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Classic Recordings
Robert Altman Week

Wednesday
Apr232008

In Which Georgia Encourages You To Get Drunk And Date

I Might Practice Santeria Once I've Had A Few Sangrias

by Georgia Hardstark

On a recent girls-night-out (yes guys, we have those and yes, we talk about you), my close friend, who we’ll call K, was reporting back from a first date with a guy who, before this date, seemed to have a lot of promise.

"What I Got" - Sublime

Besides him being cute and having an interesting job, K and this guy had hit it off upon meeting through friends at a bar. After a few email exchanges, plans were made to meet at a local coffee house. The verdict? “Well,” she told us over pint glasses of murky beer, "we just didn’t have much to talk about." "Oh," we all echoed disappointingly.

Georgia & The Divine Ms. Alie Ward

K is an awesome girl, and it had been too long since a guy of equal caliber had taken her out and shown her a good time. We all thought this new guy was a shoo-in. What went wrong?

They had both shown up to the coffee house (a swanky Silver Lake spot) on their vintage Schwinn fixed-gears, I’m sure she looked adorable in some sort of designer-yet-casual get-up, and they had sat in the outside patio drinking expensive lattes hoping, I’m sure, to capture that same connection they had experienced upon first meeting. But it didn’t happen.

I can has improved social chemistry?

We all puzzled over it for a moment, hoping to use our collective successes and failures at dating in order to dispense some sage advice to K. I was the first to speak; “Uhhh, maybe you guys just needed to get drunk?” was my bit of wisdom.

"The Wrong Way" - Sublime

I didn’t think it’d be well received, but to my surprise, the lovely M retorted with a spirited “yeah!” I was glad to hear I wasn’t the only one who thought of alcohol as a necessary means of getting through those first few, nervous dates.

"OMG you are HOT! I think?"

I’m a social person by nature, I always have been. Unfortunately, I also have a tendency to get overexcited and little spastic, which leads to extreme self consciousness, which in turn leads to me to forcing myself to sit quietly as to not embarrass myself.

Cue the shots of Jameson, pints of beer, or glasses of red wine.

Yeah I drink my wine in a box, so what?

Just as you might notice what he or she wore, what kind of car they drove, or if they have a tramp stamp, the type of drink a person orders tells a lot about them, too. My rule of thumb is; if a guy orders anything with cranberry juice in it, or anything pink for that matter. OK, hell, anything with any kind of mixer other than Coke (and I mean regular coke, not diet), then it’s probably not going to work out. In the same vein, if a girl orders a pint of beer, a whiskey on the rocks, or an Irish car bomb, marry her.

"Beyond the Sunset" - Hank Williams

There’s something about drinking alcohol, not even the “getting drunk” part (although that does come into play), but the actual act of drinking alcohol, which relaxes me and makes me feel more cool and collective. Is this alcoholism? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. What I believe it to be is “social lubrication”, and it’s a necessity for me when I’m dating someone new…someone I really like.

You may not want to get drunk enough to eat a bacon wrapped hot dog on the first date if you are planning on making out. If the date goes down in flames, however...

The first thing that makes drinking a necessity when dating is that it’s something to do. How much do you hate that “what do you want to do?" ”I don’t know, what do you want to do” back and forth that you have with someone when you don’t know them very well? A good answer to that question is “Let’s go have a pint at Red Lion” or “How about margaritas at El Coyote?”

Bob Marley Medley - Sublime

See? You’ve immediately indicated that a) you’re a take-charge kinda girl or guy, and b) you’re ready to have an intimate conversation with this person, which as we all know, is what normally happens when you drink with someone.

Georgia knows the drunker she is, the cuter her date gets.

A girl I know - let’s call her “me” - is dating a new guy, one whom she really likes. While driving home from a party (which would have counted as their 3rd or 4th date) Sublime came on the radio. Being somewhat intoxicated, (don’t worry, I…*ahem* she wasn’t driving) an excited and heartfelt solo sing-along ensued.

"Smoke Two Joints" - Sublime

Do you think the excuse of “but I’m from Orange County!” the next morning when relaying this mortifying experience to her friends would have sufficed? No, it would not. But! “I was drunk!” worked just fine. In fact, the drunken Sublime sing-along turned out to actually be endearing to this guy! Can you believe it?!

Sublime = That's when things got out of control!

Drinking in the beginning is a necessity is that it gives you a handicap. Did you tell him about the time you got pants-ed in fifth grade? Did he lean in for kiss and spill beer on your jeans? Did he pull his own finger and fart?

Let’s just say you have a lot of leeway when it comes do doing and saying embarrassing things while drinking, way more that if you did those things while sober. An added bonus is that telling that guy or girl things about your childhood which you wouldn’t normally share without first imbibing in some spirits, makes them feel closer to you.

For my third, I’d like to first request that my dad stop reading this. That’s right, Marty. See that little red “x” at the top-right of this page? Click it. Do it now, or we’ll both regret it for life.

No really dad, stop reading right now!

Okay, now that I’m without parental supervision…ummm, drunk sex? Possibly the most awesome thing ever! Guys, you know that embarrassing straight-edge tattoo on your back that you got in high school? Or that mole that looks strikingly like a third nipple? Or your insistence on leaving your socks on during sex?

Larry David and Woody Allen = Definitely Guys Who Leave Their Socks On During Sex

And ladies, you know how your ass jiggles a little too much when you’re unclothed? Or how much bigger your right boob is than your left when you’re not wearing a bra? Or those sounds you make in the middle of an orgasm that make you sound like you’re bat-shit crazy?

All those things are waaaaay less noticeable when you’re drunk, which is why it’s so hard for some people to have sober sex in the beginning of a relationship. Follow my advice, and those creepy bedroom habits of yours won’t be noticed until you’re a couple month into the relationship, which if you’re doing everything else right, he or she will be too smitten with you by then to dump you.

don't get toooooo drunk, lest you live the Sublime song below

"Date Rape" - Sublime

It’s a lonely world out there, folks. Having someone you love to belly-up to the bar with is a wonderful feeling. A few post-date hangovers is a small price to pay for that, don’t you think?

Georgia Hardstark is a contributor to This Recording. She had a million dollars but she spent it all on booze.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

Georgia And The Fatal McNuggetini

Georgia Is A Science-Fictional Creature

Georgia Is A State Of Mind

This Recording Is Hung Over At Work

Monday
Mar102008

In Which Links Calculate The Logistics of Lust

josiah.jpg

Links Have You Where They Want You

by Alex Carnevale

There is no other world besides the world of Judd Apatow.

Adam Sander and Seth Rogen will star with in Leslie Mann in an untitled comedy that Judd Apatow is set to direct from his own script.

The plot is being kept under wraps. Mann (Apatow’s wife) previously starred with Rogen in Apatow’s 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, while Sandler and Apatow worked together with Robert Smigel writing Don’t Mess With the Zohan, a comedy, in which Sandler also stars, that opens June 6. and

Production on the new comedy is set to start later this year.

Sandler is currently shooting the Adam Shankman-directed comedy Bedtime Stories for Disney. Mann stars opposite Zac Efron in the Burr Steers-directed 17 Again for New Line, and will star with Owen Wilson in the comedy Drillbit Taylor (set to release March 21), which Rogen co-wrote and Apatow produced. Rogen, who voices a character in Horton Hears a Who, is shooting Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

kay-smith.jpg

Will's poem from his CG chapbook.

Stills from the Sex in the City movie.

Christian Bale as the adult John Connor. Yesssssss.

We enjoy this Star Wars love letter.

The Rock is going to play The Tooth Fairy.

I found this fight between me and Danish in the TR archives. It's all the more relevant today as he has gone against my wishes and refuses to cover SXSW for TR.

Danish: I’m so west coast and beyond everything.

Me: Okay, that’s out of nowhere, but at least true.

Danish: Send me the new White Stripes single as long as it’s not a radio rip, I hate the radio.

Me: You hate the radio? Non-sequitor! Anyway, here ya go.

Danish: It came too late, I’d already heard it by then. And I don’t even need it, because the song sucks anyway.

Me: Actually I thought it was a fun integration of the different sounds from their last two albums and found it kinda catchy.

Danish: O-o-o-o-o-ok. I liked rap before it even existed and you’re going to tell me about music? Please.

Me: You’re right, I’d better not. Music and pastries, it’s the two things you’re best at. Hey remember when we had that crazy Spring Weeken–

Danish: Remember when is the lowest form of conversation.

Emily Gould interviews someone I've never heard of

Lebron is the fucking best.

I Am Legend alternate ending.

Rachael Ray talks music

Ramesh Ponnuru was sick in the latest NR:

The primary contest, then, pits the McGovern-Hart coalition plus blacks against the Humphrey-Mondale coalition plus middle-aged white feminists.

A place that exists only in nightmares.

amanda-overmyer-photo_420x237.jpg

Julia Allison resigns from blogger laureate post, massive retrospective coming soon

I went to high school with this girl I now realize:

00006f.jpg

I also went to high school with that dude who was on Passions and in some Disney movie. He was a rather forgettable sixteen year old.

00004f.jpg

more on cassie here

When grandpa dies you go bowling

Jordin Sparks' single, "Tattoo", is my new favorite song.

Fictionalized account of Heath Ledger's last days, via K. Longworth:

And Mary-Kate is not what you think. She comes off like a straw, something hollow that things pass through. But it's more an inner strength than a vapid soul. She once told me, Growing up as one half of something made me feel I had to overcompensate to be worth a whole. Then I realized it was the greatest foil. I have a built-in hiding place everywhere I go. She's the only person in the last month who has seen me cry. She's kindred, in that she's got these issues she won't talk about that make her so damn sexy.

America's money culture lacks values

objectivists issue of poetry magazine

Do not send your child to college

Will someone please rip the new Why? album and send it to me. Thank you for your time.

Nevermind:

why.jpg

"A Sky for Shoeing Horses Under" - Why? (mp3)

"The Fall of Mr. Fifths" - Why? (mp3)

"Brook & Waxing" - Why? (mp3)

Pandatoes be dissin blogger

More Diablo Cody in her undergarments.

The Met takes a turn for the awesome

Lotta great stuff in this month's New Criterion.

TMZ pays mad cash for OJ story.

Hot quote from Edith Kurzweil's new book:

On that balmy Sunday, William was laid to rest in my plot in Westchester Hills Cemetery—two graves away from Robert [her second husband]. When will I be buried between them?

John Simon (so cranky) has an awesome review of new Mallarme translations:

Who, we may ask, is she [Barbara Johnson, the translator]? The jacket informs us that she has taught in Harvard’s English and Comparative Literature departments. So far, so good. But she is now the Frederic Wertham Professor of Law and Psychiatry in Society. How do law and psychiatry fit under the same hat, and where else but in society could they exist?


Her previous books are The Critical Difference, A World of Difference (no similarity?), and, more troublingly, The Wake of Deconstruction. No less disturbingly, she mentions in a “Translator’s Note” Pierre Corneille, Jean Racine (observe the pedantic use of first names), and “Jean Baptiste Poquelin (Molière).” Like that! Later, ominously for me, she invokes Roland Barthes, Jacques Derrida, Julia Kristeva, and Jacques Lacan.



She also offers “the following essays” as a “good introduction to Mallarmé.” Since there is a goodly amount of literature on Mallarmé in English, I expected some of that from her. But all she cites is a number of books and essays by Barbara Johnson. These, moreover, sound not especially helpful, e.g., “Défigurations du langage poétique” and “Poetry and Performative Language: Mallarmé and Austin” and, my favorites, “Les Fleurs du Mal Armé: Some Reflections on Intertextuality” (when I hear that word, I reach for my gun) and “Mallarmé as Mother.”


Awesome ways to filter your gmail.

Things aren't going that great in Gaza.

Danish's tumblr is hot, I reads it every day

Gore Vidal's gender bender

Child prodigy or hoax?

heartbreak soup is back up

Joseph Conrad's boring book about his awesome life

Amazing:

Mr. Spitzer gained national attention when he served as attorney general with his relentless pursuit of Wall Street wrongdoing. As attorney general, he also had prosecuted at least two prostitution rings as head of the state’s organized crime task force. In one such case in 2004, Mr. Spitzer spoke with revulsion and anger after announcing the arrest of 16 people for operating a high-end prostitution ring out of Staten Island. ”This was a sophisticated and lucrative operation with a multitiered management structure,” Mr. Spitzer said at the time. "It was, however, nothing more than a prostitution ring."

Also:
"I figured, here’s a woman who also met her husband at law school, who had been a lawyer with a firm, whose husband was a state attorney general before he ran for governor," Mrs. Spitzer said of Senator Clinton. "There really aren’t that many role models for this."

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

BLOGS FOR US ALL TO LIVE INSIDE LIKE TINY SHELTERS OF THE MIND

The Vinyl Villain

hopefully Hard to Find A Friend gets it going again

Karina Longworth

The Swill Merchant

Culture Bully

stereogum is still the best

Under the Rotunda

Just a Moment

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Let the golden age begin.

Age appropriate in Shanghai.

Tales from the grocery store cash register.

Thursday
Jan032008

In Which The Piece Beneath Takes Hold Of You And Nails It

Don't Hate The Game, Hate The Players

by Molly Lambert

Beatrix Campbell says that The Game "sexually objectifies women," and argues that, "in a way these courses are helping men to be a bit less useless in their engagement with women, using charm and a bit of ingenuity to seduce. But the only thing that will help them in relationships is empathy and liking women."

I don't know Beatrix, everyone can use a good anti-slut defense.

My buzzy comedian friend Max Silvestri has been blogging about The Game since forever. He told me about J-Dog's most ridiculous strategy a superlong time ago but it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me meow.

Ross Jeffries aka J-Dog

Method: Speed Seduction

Style: Neurolinguistic Programming & "Magick"

Quotes:

"Unstoppable Confidence"

"Fear into Charisma"

"Gold Walk-Up"

"Secrets of Advanced Irresistible Arousal"

Another Jeffries device is phonetic ambiguity. Sentence example: "Standing on the hill, I could see the river twinkling below me." According to Jeffries, the words "below me" could be unconsciously interpreted as an embedded command to "blow me". Especially, if at the point those words were spoken, you spread your hands palms up with fingers pointing down at the crotch area.

David DeAngelo

Method: Double Your Dating

Style: Cocky & Funny

Quotes:

"Attraction is not a choice."

"You cannot bore a woman into liking you."

"I do not apologize for my desires as a man."


Neil "Style" Strauss

Method: Annihilation Method

Quotes: "In the seduction community, Strauss is known by the pseudonym Style. Some of Neil's top students went on to publish their own seduction material, such as How to Fuck Strippers, a controversial book."

Strauss, before and after his PUAkeover

Strauss won the ASCAP Deems Taylor Award for his coverage of Kurt Cobain's suicide for Rolling Stone and his profile of Eric Clapton in The New York Times Arts & Leisure section.

Wayne "Juggler" Elise

Method: Charisma Arts

Quotes: "Elise focuses on 'genuinely' connecting with people, rather than the use of canned material or routines, in order to demonstrate qualities to a woman."

Eric James "Mystery" Horvat-Markovic

Method: Venusian/Mystery Method

Quotes: "At age 16 he managed to win his first talent show, with a magic performance and the appearance of six doves. In 1995 Erik performed his first self-levitation in Quebec. He appeared on a Show titled Natural Magic in Russia. In 1996, Markovik created a Madonna from concentrated liquid flesh at Kingswood Music Theatre in Paramount Canada’s Wonderland. By 1999 Erik traveled to Los Angeles where he performed for Will Smith and friends."

Zan Perrion

Method: Enlightened Seduction

Quotes:

"A natural seducer doesn’t pick and choose who he flirts with — he’s charming to all women."

Zan was one of the first to teach the concept of "natural game", the belief that women will respond favorably to men who are confident and fun - but not arrogant. He advocates the notion of honesty and respect toward women."

"Women are not attracted to men who are good looking - they are attracted to men who are attractive."

things most women are not attracted to

Sigh...False Dichotomy, gender binary, double standards etc.

Also women are not a game of RISK. That a former D & D/current magician geek would hope seduction could be condensed down into a Role Playing Game is not surprising. If most women were into RPGs in the first place these dudes wouldn't have had to develop such complicated magical thinking bullshit strategies to meet girls.

WOMEN BE SHOPPIN!

If you're that hopeless you can probably still get a girlfriend through World of Warcraft. Juno scribe Diablo Cody met her husband on the internet. It's the 21st century man, even hikikomories are getting laid just by clicking some buttons.

Neil Strauss's website looks like it's from 1997. Go out and seduce a better web designer, Neil.

More men to avoid at the bar.

PUA perspectives on LTRs

Practice Long Term Relationships by adopting a cat: Cats are like women. They are always moody, they only come up and rub themselves against you when they want something, even though they don't eat that much, you still have to feed them. But the most important thing I've learned about cats is that they are not loyal like dogs. Just like a woman, you must re-earn a cats affection every day of your life or you lose them.

Juggler and Style at a book-reading

Alex Carnevale and I on the day he first tried to pick me up

This message board explains seduction completely. But you must be able to translate French, naturellement.

I am half Irish and half Jew, these Jersey girls have one of each.

Webstalking, a shocking true story that will scare you straight.

This bit of funfetti is why you've got anhedonia

Unusually high or low levels of MAOs in the body have been associated with depression, substance abuse, attention deficit disorder, and irregular sexual maturation. PET scans have shown that MAO is also heavily depleted by use of tobacco cigarettes.

Antidepressants may not ruin your sex life as much as you worry they will.

Why girls get creeped out by nice guys. Don't worry we're also creeped out by guys who get their dating advice from the "Online Seduction Community."

You just need to call 1 (877) TAME - HER to get Frank T.J. Mackey, the master of the muffin. God I must have called that toll-free number ten thousand times when it was in service. I love extratextual gimcracks! That one was the best. PTA and I love Das Unheimliche. It's because we grew up in the Uncanny Valley.

[youtube="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_n2IVF9a2IA"]

They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness" after acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias

Hey, women also apparently want guys on the Psychotic end of the personality spectrum because they're more likely to be dominant and disinhibited. That's clearly why New York kept The Entertainer around so long even though his neck veins looked like cables ready to pop.

Frank 'TJ' Mackey was apparently PT Anderson's riff on 'J-Dog'.

In France, it's Séduire et Détruire!

MAOs: responsible for your neuroses and dysthymia

Misogyny, Emosogyny, or just equally hateful Misanthropy?

Play along at home with these three stories from The New Yorker's latest fiction issue:

Work Hard, Play Hard - Palace Music: mp3

Raymond "Rigoletto" Carver

He thought about it a minute and then went on, “But at one time I thought I loved my first wife more than life itself, and we had the kids together. But now I hate her guts. I do. How do you figure that? What happened to that love? Did that love just get erased from the big board, as if it was never up there, as if it never happened? What happened to it is what I’d like to know. I wish someone could tell me."

Player's Ball (reprise) - Outkast: mp3

Junot "Da Joker" Diaz

She waits for you on the stoop, and when you pull up in her Saturn and notice the journal in her hand your heart plunges through you like a fat bandit through a hangman’s trap. You take your time turning off the car. You are overwhelmed by a pelagic sadness. Sadness at being caught, at the incontrovertible knowledge that she will never forgive you. You stare at her incredible legs and between them, to that even more incredible pópola you’ve loved so inconstantly these past eight months.

We Came 2 Play - DJ Quik: mp3

Waltz Of The Tennis Players - Fraser & DeBolt: mp3

Jonathan "Magickal Realestness" Lethem

Sentences were bodies, too, as horny as the flesh-envelopes we wore around the house all day. Erotically enjambed in our loft bed, Clea patrolled my utterances for subject, verb, predicate, as a chef in a five-star kitchen would minister a recipe, insuring that a soufflé or sourdough would rise. A good brave sentence (“I can hardly bear your heel at my nape without roaring”) might jolly Clea to instant climax. We’d rise from the bed giggling, clutching for glasses of cold water that sat in pools of their own sweat on bedside tables. The sentences had liberated our higher orgasms, nothing to sneeze at.

Playhouses - TV on the Radio: mp3

Molly Lambert is senior editor of This Recording and commentator/referee of the game.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING, THE SEDUCTION CHRONICLES:

Rich kids fondling in penthouses on Gossip Girl.

Alex tried to learn if men and women can be friends.

The Bachelor did not love them hoes.

Jack Nicholson charms your pants off and bolts.

Celebrity couples are the way a decadent society expresses itself.

Friday
Nov022007

In Which You're Going to Need to Think Twice About Where You Sit

ONAN THE LIBERTARIAN

by Molly Lambert

Fleshbot nails the appeal of Tell Me You Love Me. Welcome back to cable, Boone. We saw your longballs (or is it a prosthetic, as has been alleged?)

Photographer Gabriel Martinez commissioned these shots of straight dudes jerking off framed from the knees down.

I can alllllmost see your chram.

Most of the subjects' rooms are filthy and they are sitting bare-assed where you would not, and it makes you wonder if people are sitting naked on their furniture when no one is there and then you come over and sit in the chairs.

I'm on a pillow...on top of the radiator...oh god yeah it's so hot...

Also legs are kind of gross, especially men's. Any body part is pretty weird really, taken out of context. Like this fucking guy who put an ear on his arm.

Freaky Underwater Sex betwixt Freaky Underwater Creatures.

Are you in space/what is wrong with your feet, they look like hands?

And dork means whale penis, so when you call someone a dork you're calling them a giant dick. Wowsies.

If you are that starved to see people having real intercourse (without stunt doubles or prosthetics), Comstock Films makes porn that is just attractive amateur couples doing it in nice lighting.

How often exactly do guys masturbate while sitting on the radiator? Is like this a thing? Should I know about this?

If you'd rather watch normal looking girls masturbate in non-creepy settings, check out I Feel Myself (NSFW duh). If you'd rather see people's faces than their feet while they masturbate, Beautiful Agony continues to catalogue all kinds of funny orgasm faces, male and female.

SEXY CHOONZ 4 UR HAWT FACES

Sex Packets - Digital Underground: mp3

Sex Magick - John Zorn: mp3

Sex And Dying In High Society - X: mp3

Molly Lambert is Senior Editor of This Recording. She admits that her floor isnot too clean right now either.

Not in front of the kittens!

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Bridget Moloney loves Tell Me You Love Me.

Tess Lynch on sex tapes and Alex took on homosocialism in Superbad.

Molly was unimpressed with Hotel Chevalier and Dan Murray was downright pissed

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