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Before You Leave

by MEREDITH CHAMBERLAIN

You have the same name, and I can't get rid of you. It's not a coincidence. The same name means so much. Especially this one.

I write you an e-mail, start to write your name, in the to box. His comes up too, and his. I don't know who to send it to.

I'll be old and think back to that year, that young year. That year with five different addresses, two tragedies, an awakening, and you. You're lucky to be a part of that year. I'll always remember it. You'll all blur together by then but at least I'll remember you.

I won't have pictures, only words to remember you by. This worries me. It makes me want to hold on to my words. Put them somewhere safe, lock them up, take them out, every once in a while, hold on to them. I won't have your face so I always want your words.

You'll all blur together because you're all like me. You'll just blur into me. You grew up in the same world. The one without color. Raised in white, veiled in guilt. Pitch black guilt. Your parents grew up in this world too, so they're still together. They want the same for you, we can't imagine why. You work very hard to defy your saintly name, you do this by writing. You work very hard to stain your past, you do this by bleeding. You do all these things, yet you meet me. Do you think I'm any different?

I'm not. You'll figure it out eventually. Until then, you'll make me feel this way.

You'll make me feel smart, you'll ask what I think. You'll make me feel wise but you'll make me feel young, too. You'll be overly complimentary and I wont know what to do with you. You'll make me promises I wont know what to do with. You'll believe your promises, but I won't. You don't know how to lie. Your past wont let you. You haven't bled out your past yet, so it rushes to your face when you try. And then you say I'm sorry.

You'll make me feel like sure, I guess, this sounds okay. You'll make me feel a little maybe, a little probably not. I'll let you make me feel this way, for a little while, because you've got those things, that I have. The past, the parents, and I understand you. You'll make me feel like listening, you'll make me feel like talking, but you won't make me feel like kissing. You'll make me feel a little maybe, for a while, in between.

You'll make me feel like I can do anything. This is a very different feeling, for me. This makes you dangerous. I can take or leave so many things, but I don't want to leave this feeling you give me, so I don't want to leave you. I want to use you. I want your will to rub off on me. I want to wring it out of you. I want to take it, and leave you, before you leave me. But first I want to know you. I want to know every single piece of the person who makes me want to live so hard, leave so bad.

You'll make me feel this way, it'll sever you from the others. I'm giving you words now, to keep the blood from blurring.

Meredith Chamberlain is the senior contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here. The photos are from here. You can find the best of Meredith Chamberlain here.

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