50 Merciful Ways to Dump Someone

by ELLEN COPPERFIELD

50. "Magnum P.I. did not refer to a magnum condom. We are done."

49. Have him find some pro-Hitler material in your purse

48. coat your entire body with toothpaste before falling asleep

47. "I've been letting you win at facebook scrabble for the last seventeen games"

46. "Sometimes I wish you were half-Asian" if that doesn't work, up the percentage of Asian

45. During sex, discuss the time you cupped Malcolm Gladwell's androgynous genitalia

44. Suggest that he is Bon Iver and you are Emma and that the whole album may have been a time-travel singularity

43. 'No actually meant no this time'

42. Force him to view Meatloaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" and ask him what that is with tragic results

41. Demand payment for services rendered

40. Draw a very irreverent parody of Blondie in which he plays Dagwood

39. When you kiss, jam your thumb into his anus

38. Tell him that you were an ardent fan of the Bush administration

37. Start saying "jeepers creepers" a lot, like five or six times within a ten minute period

36. Get heavily into doing magic at children's birthday parties

35. Start playing acoustic guitar

34. Live with him in his condo for awhile but don't have sex with him

33. Have him come up on you while you're watching The Passion of the Christ and hurriedly turn it off when he sees you

32. Stay mute for three weeks - they usually notice by that third week

31. "Derek Jeter's penis has deep grooves like the head of a screwdriver and smells like petunias"

30. Swallow pocket change

29. Ask him to say grace before you eat popcorn at the movies

28. Tell him you have relationship-related amnesia. 'Who are you again?'

27. Inform him you really hope to be exactly like Miranda July one day

26. Asbestos still kills

25. The Darjeeling Limited changed your life and you're off to be Anjelica Huston basically

24. A lot of craft projects, especially mucho origami, enters your life

23. Propose

22. Replace the idea of showering with the idea of bathing while crying

21. Call raspberries 'snozzberries' and wink slyly whenever you do

20. Point at him a lot with a mimed gun and whisper 'pow'

19. In the place of the part of his talking when you're supposed to nod and smile, be quietly cutting yourself with a kitchen knife

18. Bring the joy of Big League Chew into your lovemaking

15. Tell him you didn't see the point of the Panda Bear solo album

14. Start calling your shits churchills

13. Throw the phrase vox populi into casual conversation

12. Early one morning, he finds you reciting the Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire to a sock puppet

11. Demand payment for services rendered and after he pays put out your hand and demand a sizeable tip

10. "I don’t feel we necessarily like the same kinds of sandwiches"

8. "Your mother reminds me of Ellen Cleghorne"

7. Go over to the Dark Side of the Force

6. When appropriate: "I don’t like Dispatch as much as I may have pretended I did"

5. If casual mention of pubic hair as forest of tears doesn't end things, try working it in the conversation another way: "Could you try not to rub your beard up against my forest of tears?"

4. Replace oral sex with Mario Kart

3. Discuss the tidy sum of money you reaped when they turned your life story into Orphan

2. Hide the sentiment in a piece of lyric bread

1. "I used to think you read the whole internet, but now I feel like you only read part of it"

Ellen Copperfield is a contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here.

"The Man In Me" - David Bazan (mp3)

"The Man In Me" - Bob Dylan (mp3)

"The Man in Me" - The Clash (mp3)