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« In Which You're The Only Woman I've Been Dreaming Of »

Chinese or Pizza?


Two Lovers
dir. James Gray
100 min

Ah, yes. The choice between the wealthy shiksa and the wealthy Jew betch. It is the choice that every young Jewish man (Joaquin Phoenix???) must make at one time or another. It is the choice at the heart of James Gray's Two Lovers, which takes place in Brighton Bay.

"you're not embarassed by our height difference, are you michelle?"I have a friend who is currently dating two women. He was upset this film was released, and so am I. The deepest desire of the male Jew must not be exposed at all costs. We are a secretive breed of hairy animals that live purely for black and white photography and rooftop intercourse with privileged white women.

"leonard, if you put it in me while my overcoat is on, i'm never gonna winslet an oscar" The shiksa in question is the famed acting virtuoso Gwyneth Paltrow playing Michelle, a troubled blonde temptress who lives in the same building as an unsuspected Jewish family with an older. troubled son. Watching women age is always a kind of justice, and even more so since that American Express commercial proved for a fact that Gwyneth is a larger tool than her fair trade husband. To be fair, she actually looks good in this movie, proving more women should wear hoop earrings and take drugs when they're pregnant.

"I'm so lost, Leonard," Michelle is constantly saying. She's seeing a married man, the absolutely awesome Elias Koteas. She never makes you forget for an instant who exactly she is, rendering the entire situation a tad unbelievable. But that's okay, because we want to know Leonard has no business caring about her just because she's a tasty little blonde treat. Gwyneth's idea of acting is saying Leonard a lot. She also shows her left tit, but only once, and you more feel sorry for her than anything. This is something like reality. Every time I see a left tit, I tend to feel quite upset afterwards.

in the end, jane goodall had a similar problem

At one point Leonard says, "You think if I got to know you I wouldn't love you, but I already know you and I love you even more." I laughed my balls off. The rest of the theater was not as amused. Really Leonard loves his mother (Isabella Rossellini) but he's unable to marry and wed her: his damnable laundry-owning father already has. My non-Jewish reading audience will never understand just how annoying this is — their mothers don't look like Rossellini, and they shop at Pottery Barn.

"and this one is my taint...look at the way the light catches my left testicle"

Amidst the slight tremors of anti-Semitism, Leonard's father encourages him to date the daughter of a rival Jewish launderer, even sending her to fuck Leonard in the man's own home. Soon enough Sandra (Vinessa Shaw) is telling Leonard that she'll take care of him, that she loved him ever since she saw him ask his mother to dance. If I even could recall how often people have told me that.

Like most Jewish males, Leonard believes himself to be one f'd up little piece. If I had seen this movie in the mid 1990s, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. Leonard's implausible backstory is that he dated a woman for whom he was a Tay-Sachs match, so her family broke it up. (This is probably in itself a fake sad story to appeal to new women, but a lie is a fashion by which the Jew is able to procure a shiksa, and it makes for a convincing story when Leonard tells it by rote.)

The second lover, Sandra, is a made to order Yiddish female, notable more for what doesn't distinguish her than what does. She's a pharmaceutical rep for Pfizer, and she bores poor Leonard to tears. Played by the stunning Shaw, I immediately tracked down this woman's Maxim gallery after the film was over.

The Jewish female is typecast to me, but a revelation to other people who might not have the extensive, priceless information I have learned by rote in how Jewish woman view marriage, sex, and their respective future. I would just as soon marry a Jewish woman as stick a knife in my arm, an inevitability that Leonard has already accomplished, with a CGI scar to show for it.

this betch's original surname was schwartz...don't hide who you are Vinessa!Choosing between the shiksa and the Jew betch is finally one onerous process, let me tell you. Since my father is Sicilian, he doesn't understand this dilemma. You can't really understand a Jewish woman unless you're a Jewish man. You came from her. It doesn't get any more real than that.

It's unfortunate that being slightly more believable than the incredible implausibilities of most movies now accounts for realism. Does anyone even watch Cassavetes or Rohmer? Nevermind. This is the only movie out I would ever dream of seeing. I'm just a sucker for Jewish fantasy stories. It's why I love E.T.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls right here.

"So Long" — Sisters (mp3)

"Lust is Just" — Sisters (mp3)

"Caspian Tern" — Sisters (mp3)

"Go Fast" — Sisters (mp3)

we will be together isabella

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Reader Comments (9)

The faux secular post-Annie Hall Jew within me feels both lacerated and flattered.

April 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersteven augustine

you skirt the edge of depth and humor. interesting style. i like it, I suppose. But I'm always interested in seeing if you'll at least touch on something real.
the suspense is killng me!
and i read on......

by the way, how was Joaquin's jew? I bet it wasn't bad. the guy's insane but he knuckles down when it's camera time. or used to..

April 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMutt Able

that was to harsh. it was funny.

April 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMutt Able

No Gwyneth Paltrow tag, just Joaquin? Even though you spent far more time talking about her than you do him? I guess "watching her age" is justice enough - ugh. This review was flat-out misogyny pretending to be clever. Saying "betches" doesn't make it any less offensive and uncreative.

April 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersb


April 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

Just when I think I'm going to be accused of anti-Semitism, you guys come with the misogyny.


April 12, 2009 | Registered CommenterAlex

So, what was misogynistic? Can't a guy voice his opinion? The author's "watching women age is always a kind of justice" revenge comment was kind of harsh but I like this, it was to the point and criticized the movie alright. I was wondering since I wouldn't be watching it if Joaquin Phoenix's last movie was going to be any good, if he was justified in picking this as his farewell film- it answered kindly, no it wasn't a good choice. I dig Elias Koteas ever since his breakthrough 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' performance... uh I'm glad he was in this?! Th

April 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecks

thanks for the backup!

I was being tongue-in-cheek -- this was an attack on Jewish male syndrome and how they view the world.

April 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterAlex

Also, high five on the Sisters sweet mp3s I really dug them. How did you find or hear of them? Or is it just part of being a privileged journalist deal for This Recording?

April 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecks

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