Lost: The Asian Wonder Years
by DICK CHENEY
Wow, that Justin Timberlake-with-a-bad forehead dude won the judges' save in American Idol? Is he a rumored Adam Lambert love interest? Stay tuned. Actually, tune into Lost instead, where homosexuality is routinely repressed into a belief that one can communicate with ghosts.
Now let's get to your questions about Lost and anything else on your mind.
Have you seen that show Parks & Recreation? Are there jokes on that show?
The only thing I can focus on when it comes to Thursday nights is whether Jenna Fischer is coming to resemble the creature from The Relic as time passes.
What is that little doctor minx plotting?
Jack is a cat. A black cat with a black heart. Last week he opined listlessly that he felt he returned to the island for a purpose. Since the reason he justified leaving the island to himself was to bang Kate, I can only assume he's shooting for the top. That doctor-loving bastard is plotting some kinda of crazy plan to father one of the castaways. Apparently Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Jack wants to give a Cleveland Time Travel Steamer to Daniel as revenge for something. I have never seen a main character of a show so diminished. This is like when Shaq went from MVP to blogger. Jesus.
Is Miles the worst character in Lost's short history, and where does he rank on the rumored degree of offensiveness to Asians scale?
Conservatively, I would say that the guy who plays Raj on The Big Bang Theory is the most racist depiction on television, but there are several other racist depictions to hang our hats on.
I really wonder why nobody went forward with my idea for The Asian Wonder Years. Considering the rampant displeasures of Japanese internment and anti-Asian affirmative action across the country, the least we can do for the Asian-American collective to to give them a bad-ass voiceover.
What's going to come of all the Tax Day business? Are the Republicans going to run solely on taxes for the next ten years?
Pretty much. Wouldn't you? I just learned my taxes this year will give homeless people cell phones and vibrators. And while I'm not against the homeless getting laid, I sure don't want to pay for it. The only problem with the tax movement is that about 3% of Americans are paying for the free ride of the rest, while the populace call them fat cats. It's an ironic situation, but it certainly won't help the Democratic Party get votes from the unemployed. They hate taxes, too.
Last week's Benry Gale focused episode wasn't given its traditional ripping by you. Did you actually like Ben swearing himself over to John Locke's every whim? Could anyone enjoy the awful makeup job done on 'young' Daniel Widmore?
I preferred the relaxing veneer of young Ben Linus: all it takes is a little more hair in the right spot. My daughter's always trying to get me to dye the grey like Keith Hernandez. What she doesn't realize is that when you accidentally, I mean "accidentally" kill a guy while hunting, it helps to have wispy gray hair flowing off your confused scalp. It reminds me of the episode of Seinfeld where Uncle Leo steals books from Brentano's, except with murder.
Linus' entire set of reveals was of course ludicrous, although at least we got to savor the burgeoning hotness of his daughter one tragic last time. Most insane was his visit to the docks where he was 0/3 in killing people Desmond Hume loves! Ben, you've gotten so tame/lame. Talk about fudging your way out of a plot jam. How much more awesome would it be if he just blew Penny and her British-accented son to blue hell and was like, Desmond, you r not kewl to me dawg.
Will the undeniable fact of Adam Lambert's aggressive, exciting homosexuality tarnish his journey to win the competition?
I think it purely depends on what direction he goes in for paramour. I think Hugh Jackman would be a realistic, meaningful choice as an other, while Randy Jackson would rattle a lot of cages in the Los Angeles-area down low community. Maybe Lindsay could postpone her inevitable suicide for a semester and try to turn him straight again. (We were all straight once, even Kevin Spacey.)
Why did they build the hatch in the first place?
For the first time, we saw the hatch being constructed. Why you would spend that much time to place an experimental station in that location with that kind of shielding remains to be seen. We did learn 2 (two) things:
* Horace Goodspeed has more up his sleeve than was previously thought, and it's a while until 1992 comes and all these people die in the purge.
*Horace Goodspeed gets amazing island ass.
What is the desire of the faction opposing Widmore that kidnapped Miles in Los Angeles and survived the crash on Hydra Island?
Led by Bram, these fellas would at first seem to be caught up with Ben. However Ben takes no note of them on the flight or the events that followed the crash. He in fact simply cold-bloodedly murders the French dude from Spartan and generally goes on about his business. So who else would have reason to stop Widmore from 'winning'?
These folks seem to originate from the future rather than the past. They're concerned with the island in 2009, not in 1979.Or perhaps they are concerned with both. The only coalition I can think of with that narrow an interest is Jews — that's correct, Bram and his buddies seek to recolonize the Is-land into Is-rael. Those darned Jews couldn't just be satisfied with a small outpost among angry Arab nations in the middle of the desert. They heard there was a temple and a lot of shiksas on an island, so they dragged their Ethiopian friends with them. Seriously though some have suggested George Lucas is after his Empire script and that actually kinda makes sense.
Why did the Temple allow Ben to live while killing off such supernumeraries as Mr. Eko and Danielle's hot French boyfriend?
It appears the Smoke Monster takes the form of whatever hot piece is most relevant in your life. Should I have been lifelessly dragged into the temple, I no doubt would have seen my tragically hot girlfriend Ellen Bernstein angrily asking when it would be her turn to receive oral during our undergraduate years.
But seriously, this suggests that the sickness was no sickness, and the island wanted Danielle and her burgeoning child dead, as Widmore suggests to Ben. Therefore by allowing Alex to be killed, Ben was actually serving the island. Now he has a genial position at Locke's side that he will eventually turn against for his own selfish reasons, if Ilana and Bram don't kill his ass first.
Is there anything you want to tell Lost before its 100th episode in two weeks?
The greatest science-fiction-series-ever talk has been thrown out the window, a development that seemed impossible once Locke found Desmond Hume in the hatch. Then came some rather gay choices and a Michelle Rodriguez DUI. But it's a long hard road, one that seemed almost impossible after the intolerable seriousness of the series premiere back in 1987.
Lost has turned into a comedy, but a fairly entertaining time travel comedy that has erased all my positive memories of Red Dwarf. Fortunately I can re-remember those memories on YouTube, and anyway Lost is better at distracting me from the fact that my taxes pay for social programs. Lost, you did it. Congratulations.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.
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