« In Which You Can't Afford A Vacation So We Made One For You »

A Trip To Disneyland...Without Leaving My Apartment

by BEN LAMBERT

I went to Disneyland today. My roomate Reg Tigerman came along with me. I didn't pay to get in and didn't get a sunburn. All in all it was splendid day at the happiest place on earth.

9:30 AM - Los Feliz

We hop in the car and embark on the highway toward the land of happiness.

10:30 AM - Tomorrowland

We decide to start our journey off with a bang on the always spectacular Space Mountain. Our excitement is hindered somewhat by the fact that Goofy and Company make us wear nightvision goggles...Oh Well.

10:45 AM - Tomorrowland

Feeling splendid from our space odyssey, my accomplice and I decide to enter the always dated Star Tours.

11:03 AM - Tomorrowland

Alright! They brought back Captain Eo!!! Disneyland rules!

11:40 AM - Tomorrowland

Time to check out the new Finding Nemo Submarine Ride!

12:01 PM - Adventureland

Tomorrowland is joyous, but I've always preferred Adventureland myself. Inspired by Michael Jackson and George Lucas, Reg and I decide to ride Indiana Jones. Animatronic Harrison Ford is faster and way more active than Crystal Skull Harrison Ford.

12:15 PM - Adventureland

As hunger sets in, we walk 12 feet to our fridge and bake frozen pizzas from Trader Joe's. I didn't know they had one at Disneyland.

12:40 PM - Adventureland

The only way to follow-up a good meal, is on the always enjoyable Jungle Cruise.

1:03 PM - Adventureland

Due to the sweltering conditions of our apartment (cough, Disneyland) we decide to partake in an icy beverage outside of the Tiki Room. We blend pineapple juice, ice, and pineapple/coconut ice cream. Quite refreshing.

Reg Tigerman, preparing the Dole Whips

1:10 PM - Adventureland

We enter the Tiki Room, and enjoy the racist extravaganza.

1:41 PM - Frontierland

Having had enough of magnificent Adventureland, Reg and I decide to enter the frontier. Our first stop is Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Hope we don't die!

1:58 PM - Frontierland

We survived the death train!!! To the updated Tom Sawyer island. Huzzah!!

2:45 PM - Toontown

Forget it Reg, this slummy Gooftown is for junkies.

nixon and walt disney, 1959

2:57 PM - New Orleans Square

Woot! I love New Orleans Square. Weary from our travels, we decide to hop on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride.

3:20 PM - New Orleans Square

Robot Johnny Depp is a creep. Time for the Haunted Mansion.

3:52 PM - New Orleans Square

Try to break into Club 33 to no avail...Disney pigs on our trail.

4:01 PM - Fantasyland

Fantastical indeed. First stop...Matterhorn!

 

4:23 PM - Fantasyland

Now that we've had our brush with death, it's time for some peaceful rides...How about Mr. Toad!!!

4:40 PM - Fantasyland

Woo!! Mr Toad!!!! Alice In Wonderland time!!!

4:57 PM - Fantasyland

Reg really wants to go on the tea cups. I think it's a terrible idea. We get so dizzy that he appears to be a young Asian girl.

5:03 PM - Fantasyland

Stomach ache from teacups. Feeling dizzy. Maybe dizziness is from hunger. More Trader Joe's frozen pizzas.

5:18 PM - Fantasyland

Feeling a bit lactose intolerant, I decide we should ride the most racially intolerant ride of all, It's A Small World.

5:45 PM - Fantasyland

Terrible headache. No need to ride anything else here.

5:52 PM - Critter Country

Ah, Critter County. Home to so much joy. Lord knows that joy only lies in one ride. Racism Mountain...I mean, Splash Mountain!

6:15 PM - Main Street U.S.A.

Reg insists on Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln. He doesn't realize it's been closed for 7 years. Ignoring all warning signs, he still attempts to break in. It turns out, Abraham is still regailing. I find this creepy. Reg is inspired.

6:27 PM - Main Street U.S.A.

Reg is in the custody of Disney Police. He tried to emancipate animatronic Lincoln from Disney slavery.

7:00 PM - Main Street U.S.A.

I help Reg escape Disney jail by yelling fire. Figuring a crowded area would be the best place to hide from the Disney pigs, we wander to the Electrical Light Parade.

7:25 PM - Main Street U.S.A.

Walt's coppers are everwhere. Block is hot. Make a break for the frontier.

7:42 PM - Frontierland

Fantasmic!!! Never was a big fan, but gotta blend into the crowd somehow.

8:30 PM - Parking Lot

Disguised as Mickey and Goofy, we make a run for it all the way back to our car.

8:45 PM - Freeway

Ah, the open road. Nothing like driving a million miles per hour after a day at Disneyland!!!

Ben Lambert is This Recording's Jungle Cruise Guide.

"One Day Without Harming You (Machinefabriek remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3)

"Things We Lost Along the Way (Loscil remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3)

"Een Langzaam Lekkende Wond (Swod remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3) highly recommended

"The Night Keeps Coming In (The Boats remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3)

Dakota Suite website

Comments

[Tess Lynch]

Ben,

This is just about the best thing I've read online in my entire life. You have reinvented the blog. I always knew you were a Lambert, but I just found out how very Lambert you are.

Love,

Tess

P.S. Hi Reg!

[jessica]

Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln has not been closed for 7 years, just for the past 2 or so when they put "The Disneyland Story" or whatever it was called in its place (the film hosted by Steve Martin, anyoen?) Anyway, I asked when I was there a few months ago, and they're bringing Mr. Lincoln back before the end of the year. Now if they'd only bring The Main Street Electrical Parade back...

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I recently went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, and I also did a bunch of sightseeing around the city. Theaters, restaurants, museums, etc. I was in town for my annual checkup with my cardiologist, though. And I got a major discount at the hospital’s adjacent hotel on account of being a continuing patient. It’s a great way to turn an obligatory trip into a makeshift, affordable vacation every summer.

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