Sookeh You Is My Woman Now

by MOLLY LAMBERT

Nothing is worse than banging a shapeshifter that's been enslaved to tempt you. It's seriously the worst. It's like finding out that the person you've fallen in love with is actually a prostitute robot that's been specifically programmed to make you like it.

Even in True Blood, which is based around such an obvious Mary Sue, it still sucks that Sam and Tara have been saddled with what increasingly appear to be transformed pigs conjured up by Maryann the sorceress's freaky bloodsugarsexmagik.

"WHAT I GOT I GOT TO GET IT PUT IT IN YOU"

Meanwhile Bill frolics with his maker in the leftover sets and costumes from the movie version of Chicago. The whole "Bill used to be evil and debonair and good at playing ragtimey piano" thing is ridiculous, but not more ridiculous than anything else on this ridiculous show. At least they admitted it's camp from the get-go. I will warn you when this show overshoots my tolerance for camp (as Nip/Tuck and Myra Breckinridge did).

Oh True Blood. You are so bad to be good. And so good at being bad. Kind of in a high budget version of supernatural daytime soap Passions way.

Oh there's HBO style sex. Including Hung and Entourage, HBO should advertise Sunday night as "off-camera blowjobs night," so prevalent a stylistic choice it has become.

Blond Redhead: Eric and Jessica being attractive at Comic Con

True Blood is as soapy as Jefferson Randolph Smith II. The show devotes as much time to its couplings as Grey's Anatomy or Gossip Girl. Meanwhile the eight millionth scene of Bill and Sookie bickering and/or sweet talking in bed has me yelling "WRAP UP THE MARYANN PLOTLINE ALREADY!" at the screen. I've gotten so bored that I've started to find Sam Merlotte really attractive. What's up dog.

Maryann's orgies could not possibly be more dull or non plot-advancing. They are boregies. It reminds me of the naked parties at Hogwarts. Why would I want to go to a party where minotaur possessed balls might touch me against my will? No thank you.

As much as I like Jason Stackhouse's aryan slut wife friend, I do miss ye olde days of psychedelic V blood montages with Janis Ian (dyke).

Jason's inherent goodness battles it out with his stupidity for my delight. "Hot dumb guy" is one of my favorite character tropes. Jason's plotline is consistently the most entertaining, much like Tara's is the worst, for all its witchcraft and colored contactery.

Godric made no appearance onscreen this week, although he was talked about. Somebody on the internet called him "Mango" and now it is all i can see. Hot Eric was mostly wasted and overly made up. Hot PTSD Terry (underrated!) bunny hugged Lafayette and gave fan fiction writers a new homoerotic slash pairing to freak out about.

Will the rumored Bill - Sookie - Eric love triangle finally materialize? Will straight male viewership go up when Evan Rachel Wood starts guesting, assuming she shows her tatters? Will Lafayette ever turn out any of his hot Southern straight guy friends and get the off-camera blowjob he so richly deserves? Will I keep watching this dumb show? Probably, Probably Not, Hopefully, and I Imagine So.

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She tumbls here and twitters here.

"We Will Be Apart" — Bodies of Water (mp3)

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