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Monday, September 28, 2009 at 10:02AM 
Desirable Qualities
by MEREDITH CHAMBERLAIN
Last Sunday morning I read an article about guys—about the difference between guys and men. I've read this article before. Read it in between the lines of my friends' faces, my mother's looks, my own sighs.
Guys are capable of swooning over a new writer they’ve just discovered, or of speaking passionately about some idea. They’re nothing but possibility. That, to me, is a guy: possibility.
I read this article, from September 19, 2009 and then, later that day I read the same article from September 4, 1970.
I asked men to sit in the rear and listen while women gave me a series of adjectives on the theme “what I would like to see men become 20 years from now.”
We are all looking for something. We all have a list of things we are looking for. This list changes, person to person, year to year. There have been so many lists.
Do men want to be guys? I don’t think men know guys exist, at least not as a permanent condition. They assume guys are boys who haven’t manned up yet.
I don't make lists, anymore. I like roaming around. Maybe I'll find something new I like. Maybe I’ll take that home with me. Maybe I want peaches tonight, instead of plums. I wouldn't have thought about peaches if I sat down, made a list, put plums on it.
At first, the men were defensive about adjectives they termed dominantly “feminine,” such as tender, gentle, empathetic, nurturing, artistic.
Do they make lists? Yes, I think so. But they only publish the abridged versions.
I want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.
The lists I used to make, they were very long, but I don’t remember what was on them.
Do guys suffer over not being men? Yes, sometimes. Then they want to talk to women about their feelings of inadequacy.
I don’t remember you filling me up with a large American meal, taking out your corporate card, placing it on the table, waving me a taxi, handing the driver twenty dollars. I don't remember your plaid shirt, the jobs you had, and the kind of books you read and beer you drank, in between them.
But the women convinced them that these were desirable qualities that would enhance men’s own evolution as individuals.
I remember your laugh, your smile, your hand, on my back, in my hand. I remember your voice, remember listening to it. I remember what you had to say.
Guys are boys who didn’t grow up to be men.
I remember the human in you.
By the time the meeting ended the men admitted that the women had listed qualities that they would like to have had but felt they were “not permitted” to develop.
When you leave the house without a list, it’s easy to forget what is good for you. People are pretty, sexy, rich, funny, charming, they play guitars, their jeans look good on them, and it's easy to forget. I made myself a love pyramid, so I could remember.
Meredith Chamberlain is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in New York City. She tumbls here. She last wrote in these pages about the fall.
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Reader Comments (7)
This is just like men of the 50s calling women "girls" and "chicks"-- seeing them as undeveloped and only "potentiality"-- because for Meredith as for those sexist men, what matters is only what the "guy" or "chick" can do for them-- their potentiality in relation to a vision of maturity that Meredith (or the 50s male) alone can confer-- Meredith says who a man is, and those 50s men got to say who could be a complete person too. Some might think this kind of empowerment crass and backwards, certainly not insightful.
If you are looking for "potentiality" in anyone but yourself-- in a relationship or promise-- in anything besides work, over a long time-- in whatever area that be, you are adrift. Be you a "guy" or a "chick."
Hi Meredith,
This is really good writing..
I wish I could write like you do..
For me, It is very hard to write whatever come to my mind without processing..
BTW, I liked your previous two posts too.
Thanks
Hardik
xxoo
Thank you Hardik. That is very kind.
I agree with you Monkey. Neither sex should be confined to the Victorian chaise lounge that society placed in their living room.
this all just makes me hate ryan reynolds
My pyramid would mostly involve BJs and listening to me talk about movies/books/music.
Also low intelligence and low self-esteem BECAUSE THAT'S JUST HOW I LIKE'EM.
to each his own I suppose.
one of the best pieces of dating advice I ever got:
"do not get distracted by the baubles on the tree"
in other words, figure out what you want (this doesnt have to be a list) and then don't get sidetracked by whatever bright shiny object crosses your path.
and I have not a pyramid, but a quadrant that I like : values, personality, lifestlye, looks/attraction. you need to share values, enjoy complementary personalities, share a similar lifestyle, and be attracted to each other. these are all equally important.
for example, find someone whose values would not allow them to cheat on anyone, and they are not going to cheat on you. and so on