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Robert Altman Week

Thursday
Jan142010

« In Which We Enjoy Cocktail Hour At Disney »

Disney's 10 Hottest Guys

by ALMIE ROSE

10. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

What? Sure, Hook’s chin is a little out of proportion with the rest of his crazy face, but I go for those Venice looking hipsters, of which Hook fits the bill: skinny bod, weird facial hair, funny hat. And those stockings? To die for. Plus Peter Pan was such a dick. Did that ten year old seriously have nothing better to do than antagonize a middle aged man with reptile issues? Asshole.

from here

9. PRINCE PHILLIP (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Prince Phillip really didn’t have much of a personality and he’s easily confused with Prince Charming, but he has a nice pompadour thing going on, looks great in red, and slain a fucking dragon so you have to give the guy some credit. He also didn’t balk when he saw Princess Aurora geeking out in the woods singing to a bunch of animals so that earns him props too.

8. THOMAS (THE NERDY GUY FROM POCAHONTAS VOICED BY CHRISTIAN BALE)

Captain “Sugar Tits” John Smith is too blonde and too Mel Gibson to ever be attractive but Thomas with his quiet, humble demeanor and sensitive poet persona is the guy for me. I’m not sure what you couldn’t fucking understand about this one.

7. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

He’s like Captain Hook without the hook, which is great because who really wants to deal with that hook? Jafar was cool because he had that snake staff and that gave him this Adam Ant edge. Just the whole flair for dress was very New Romantics. And his speech: so slow, so deliberate, so smooth. Yes, master!

6. PRINCE NAVEEN (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

I haven’t even seen this film yet but this guy looks pretty sexy.

5. ROGER (ONE HUNDRED AND ONE DALMATIANS)

Roger had a good job and a great sense of style. He was a songwriter, he had nice hair, and I’d get tangled in his leash any time. I can never, ever say no to a man in sweater vests.

4. ALADDIN (ALADDIN)

Did you know that the inspiration for Aladdin was Tom Cruise, pre-crazy? Thankfully, Aladdin is a lot less manic but I was always a little uncomfortable by his lack of shirt. I get that he’s poor, but he really can’t cover his chest? It was all very confusing to me. Having him voiced by D.J. Tanner’s adorable boyfriend didn’t help matters either.  I’d let him “One Jump” me.

3. BERT (MARY POPPINS)

Again, that tall, skinny physique really does it for me. And I do love a man with an accent, even if it’s a horrible mangled Bob’s Your Uncle hack job. Bert really knew how to let loose but you could tell that even though he was poor, he would never let the woman pay. Plus, he was a musician. That’s always sexy. I’d chim chimeny chim his cheree any time.

2. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

He’s kind of a meathead in that he loves beer, hates to read, is especially good at expectorating, likes to kill stuff, and uses antlers in all of his decorating, but you can’t deny the guy’s ability to pull off a ponytail and leggings. Gaston had a sensitive side too; he was crushed when Belle, resident bookworm, didn’t want his swell cleffed-chin all to her own. “Dismissed, rejected, publicity humiliated,” he moans, “I’m a disgrace.” But how could he forget about his biceps to spare? And Gaston, unlike the beast, was never violent with her. Let’s just face it: Gaston is the best and the rest is the drips.

1. PRINCE ERIC (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

This blue-eyed bitch paved the way for Jon Hamm and James Franco. Prince Eric was caring, respectful, and handsome. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of a cartoon version of this guy I’ve been crushing on, but I think Prince Eric is the hottest Disney guy of all time. Of all time. Just don’t read the Prince Eric/Ariel rape fan fiction that’s out there. I wish I could pull the memory out of my brain and lock it in a seashell.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She blogs here.

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Reader Comments (47)

Dude, your Prince Phillip picture is actually Prince Eric. I know, he's a hunk, but doesn't Phillip deserve some perverted love?

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Roger is the man.

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Sarah, no that's Prince Philip. Trust me, I have the Prince Eric one as my desktop. He even has an Ariel Tattoo!

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterme

Non-Disney Honorable Mention: Trent Lane from Daria

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

dimitri from anastasia! (though that's a non-disney, too. but still!)

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdurga

Is Simba exempt cause he's a lion and all?

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdoublenegative

I always wanted to get together with Scar for a hot bang

January 14, 2010 | Registered CommenterAlex

My mom caught me singing a made up love song to Prince Eric while I was lying in bed aged 5 or 6 once ... not a good look.

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

so i was preeeeetty interested in those drawings and somehow ended up on that guys deviantart. most of them were not viewable to the non-deviantart-public...too risque? either way i was horribly upset. but i DID manage to see that he also does 'troy bolton' as a 'disney hero'. fan fucking tastic.

http://davidkawena.deviantart.com/art/Disney-Heroes-Troy-Bolton-112685433

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGeniveve

wait-

http://davidkawena.deviantart.com/art/Disney-Heroes-Narnian-Kings-140050471

someone's probably gonna punch me in the face for this one........ but i'm gonna say it anyway: the chronic-WHAT-cles of narnia just made me jizz. in. my. pants.

(andy samberg- call me!)

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGeniveve

Haha, LOVE the post. I agree withallofit! Thanks for sourcing me! Don't forget to tweet the link if you like it everyone!

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMimilainna

Ack! You changed it!

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

whatd i change!

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMimilainna

how could you possibly leave off the guy from Mulan?

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterS

please link the pictures of Aladdin and Prince Phillip to this guy: http://davidkawena.deviantart.com/
he deserves the right credit!

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterC

Calm down, cowboy. He's getting credit, I think she linked him. But I'm not claiming that I'm the artist. She just found them on my site. She's sourcing correctly.

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMimilainna

Where is Prince Charming from "Cinderella"? I think he beats Captain Hook and Jafar...

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIpreferAngie

Did someone say Trent Lane?
*SWOON*

January 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternaibot

Definite yes to Prince Naveen and Thomas. I loved Thomas!!

January 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWhit

Brom Bones in Sleepy Hollow is pretty hot.

January 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

I wanna fuck Aladdin :D

January 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPeter

I love me some Prince Eric, but its kinds weird that he looks exactly like the young version of my dad :P

March 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRose

Bert from Mary Poppins is actually the great Dick Van Dyke. Classy dude.

May 10, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlaidbacklemon

This probably ruins your fantasy, but my long-standing theory is that Bert is Mary Poppin's ex-husband; she divorced him because he was just too darned gay. (Literally. He didn't know he wasn't into chicks until after he got married.) She helped him realize this fact and they amicably split and remain the closest of friends. Go watch the part of the film where they go on the date to the penguin cafe. There are clues ALL OVER that scene.

(My post is for anyone who thinks Almie is as crazy as they come. Not even close!)

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJeff

i think the Beast in his human form is pretty hot. i actually did a gasp the first time i saw him. Tarzan, pretty hot too.

May 21, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertrish

omg what is up with the two naked guys wired

May 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercooldude2538

YES! I have ALWAYS said Prince Eric is the hottest! All my friends were always going for Aladdin, but Eric is the far superior prince.

May 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPasha

ALADDIN ALL THE WAY!:)

September 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlaceylynnshort

What about Quasimodo? :D

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November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteroralia89

OMG i never even noticed that Thomas guy's hotness before!! yum yum yum :)

November 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

I think Prince Eric is quite the worthy winner to be honest! Though, I would have preferred a list of best females instead, ha ha :-)

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haha my sister and I had crushes on Thomas FOREVER!

If this weren't limited to Disney, I'd throw Dimitri (Dimitry) from Anastasia in the mix :)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

Seriously, Gaston?
And no Beast?

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Granted they're anthropomorphized, but that's already been broached (Uncle Scar, natch). What about Robin Hood And Basil of Baker Street? (Also, Prince Phil had personality for, like, five seconds, when you're introduced to him and his awesome horse.) I'm also a tad surprised Kronk (The Emperor's New Groove) didn't make the list, since he's a meathead who is dedicated and submissive to his mistress, but also goodhearted and a friend to animals.
August 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPerry
FYI, your Naveen picture got replaced by chairs.
January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

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