In Which The Next Three Months Will Go Exactly As Planned
Sunday, June 6, 2010 at 10:21AM
Alex in SUMMER, almie rose, summer

Your Guide to Summer!

by ALMIE ROSE

There are so many great things to do during the summer. But if you’re tired of going to the beach or making lemonade or other Tennessee Williams activities, here are some things to try that are a little different.

For this one, you have to start a little early, around November. Because this is the year you’re really going to do it: you’re going to give yourself plenty of time to get your ideal summer figure into that bathing suit! You say this every year, but this is really going to be the year. There’s something so magical sounding about “2010.”

January is when you’ll realize that you’ve totally fucked up your once steely resolve to get a beach body; your body is more like a “Hey let’s get some more Gap sweaters” body. Calm down and remind yourself that deadlines are made to be broken, because you are a human, and you are loved. Scream into the shower. Smile like Dick Van Dyke and tell yourself that you still have plenty of time.

For this next activity all you have to do is realize that it’s the first week of June and that since January you’ve been exercising on and off and eating right on and off and drinking on and on and you’ve only got about a month and five days before you go with your boyfriend to his cousin’s wedding and his ex will be there and you don’t want to look like a downgrade and you need to get this shit together, now.

Here are some other fun summer things! Grab a friend, go to Starbucks, wait until the barista asks you what you’d like, then have both of you shout at the same time, “ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!” then maybe high five and freeze. Before you go to Starbucks, rehearse this with your friend. It’s important that you say your lines in unison. Get it together, Darryl; I’m not fucking around. Then get your Orange Mocha Frappucinos, hop in your Jeep, and drive to the beach blasting Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” because something about that song and Jeeps go beautifully together. Once you get to the beach, don’t actually get out of the car. You don’t want to get sand everywhere and you’ll have to get the Jeep back to Hertz anyway, because you’re only renting it.

Summer is also the perfect time to catch up on those popular shows everyone loves that you don’t watch. Netflix is the site to visit for getting the hottest television programs sent directly to your home, like Frasier. How many times are you at a party and everything is going smoothly and people are laughing at your jokes until someone brings up a classic episode of Frasier that you just haven’t seen? It’s happened at least once, for me. You have to nod and smile and pretend that you know what they’re talking about when they exclaim, “And then Niles just GIVES HIM THE BOTTLE OF PINOT GRIGIO!” and howl with laughter. It’s rough. It’s maybe one of the hardest moments anyone will ever have to go through in life. Don’t let this happen to you. Scrambled eggs all over my face!


Take that vacation you’ve always wanted to; the one where you’re crying at three in the morning wondering what went wrong and why you’re not the successful person you thought you would be and how you just want to pack up one suitcase of necessary items and disappear to the French countryside or Joshua Tree and live where no one can find you. Experience that moment of clarity in between swallowing xanax where, yes, this is a great idea. Virgin America, here you come!

Remember, all you need is yourself. And money. Once your money runs out, you’ll have to find something to do to make money. You can try to hole up in your cottage but at some point you’ll need water, and possibly food. Try selling your pottery! If you don’t know how to make pottery, now might be the time to learn. People love buying pottery, especially when they’re told it came from a recluse in the middle of nowhere.

Anything goes: it’s summer! Run away! Hide! Don’t let people find you! Stay off of the Internet! Change your face! Create your own language! Bottle your urine! Get scurvy! Have a great summer!

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find her website here and her twitter here.

"Neapolitan Dreams" - Lisa Mitchell (mp3)

"Heavy in Your Arms" - Florence and the Machine (mp3)

"Heart to Tell" - The Love Language (mp3)

"Any Way You Want It" - Journey (mp3)

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