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Tuesday
Feb222011

« In Which We Teach You How To Be A Woman In Any Boys' Club »

Can't Be Tamed: A Manifesto

by MOLLY LAMBERT 

for Kathleen Hanna, Kim Deal, and Kim Gordon

Here are some rules about how to be a girl in a boys' club. This works for any world you're in or want to be in. Pretty much everything in the world is still a boys' club.

Befriend The Other Woman: Always. Seriously. Even if she sucks (expansion on "if she sucks" follows below). Otherwise you will be "jokingly" put into competition with her constantly, and you will be encouraged and generally provoked by some dudes to do this for their entertainment to take focus off the fact that they are in homosocial competition with each other. Befriend her and press your boobs against the glass ceiling together (copyright Kristen Schaal). She is not the enemy. She is never your enemy. The enemy is always any guys who are creating situations that limit the number of females allowed. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. 

What If She Sucks?: Well, there could be a lot of reasons for this. But if she's being a real scary bitch to you, it's probably just because she's threatened you are going to take her spot as "the girl that is cool enough to hang out with the guys." Defuse this by being really super friendly no matter what in order to demonstrate the above: you are not enemies because you have a common enemy and the enemy is exclusionism. This gets easier the more girls there are. One to one situations are especially harsh, because Black Swan. But it's not usually that hard because most girls don't suck.

What If She Actually Sucks? This does happen. It's not unfeminist to admit that some women are assholes, just don't make it your focal point or judge any other situations according to how the all time worst one went down (this is a good rule in general). Some people just actually suck. Definition of sucks: steals, lies, or otherwise tries to ruin your life in an undeniable way. Feel bad for her and then back…the fuck…away…

What If She's Cool But I Still Feel Competitive? Sometimes cool funny girls are initially cunty to other cool funny girls because they are afraid the presence of another cool funny girl will dilute or diminish their own coolness or funniness. But it won't. It just makes you both even cooler and funnier. Forgive yourself for feeling insecure and think about the way you feel around your best friend. Generally the more intimidating you initially find another person the deeper your eventual love will end up being. 

Why Do Dudes Think You're In Competition With The Other Girls? Because if you're in competition with the men, you might be better than they are. And a lot of them can't handle this, and even more weirdly it's like it doesn't even really occur to them. They just automatically compare you to other girls and not other men, even though you obviously compare yourself against everybody in your field, not just the women.

Why exactly they can't handle this is something that I understand but can't really sympathize with for obvious reasons. The sinister underlying idea is that men are always going to be naturally better at everything than women. That the best man will always be better than the best woman, and that women should expect and accept this.

The truth is that most kinds of talent aren't gendered. Sometimes women will be the best at things and other times men will. The implicit fear is that women are going to take spots formerly reserved for men. THIS IS SO STUPID. The most talented people take the top spots. There are no gender quotas. Tina Fey coexists peacefully with Will Ferrell and Danny McBride. They are just all the best at their specific talent (comedy).

Ferrell isn't threatened by Fey because game recognize game. And clearly I'm really aiming for this to catch on, but it's not emasculating if you like it. And a lot of dudes like it. And a lot of other dudes secretly like it but are afraid of what their dude friends will think. Not caring about what other people think is attractive to oh, everybody.

What If I Love Being The Only Girl In The Boys Club? Megan Fox Syndrome, aka Wendy from Peter Pan. It is the delusion that you can become an official part of the boys' club if you are its strictest enforcer, its most useful prole. That if you follow the rules exactly you can become the Official Woman. If you refuse other women admission you are denying that other women are talented, which makes you just as bad as any boys' club for thinking there would only be one talented girl at a time.

You will never actually be part of the boys' club, because you are a woman. You are Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. You are not Italian, therefore you are never going to get made. And you don't want to be a part of the boys' club, because it is dedicated to preserving its own privilege at your expense. Why wouldn't you want to know and endorse the work of other women who share your interests? How insecure are you?

Drive It Like You Stole It: Be the best. That is, assuming that you are the best. Be the best you can possibly be, whatever that means to you. Absolutely do not step down in order to not threaten people. Don't apologize. If you genuinely fucked up fine, you are allowed to apologize once but then stop apologizing. Think about how much you hear women apologizing for themselves for no reason, or being self-deprecating or self-abnegating out of habit. What the fuck are you apologizing for? For being too good?

Complain And Explain: If somebody says or does something fucked up, call them out on it. Don't pretend like fucked up things never get said because you are afraid of getting exiled from the kingdom of being Angie Dickinson in the Rat Pack. It makes people uncomfortable to get called out on their bullshit, and they get weird and defensive (John Mayer), especially since they know they were bullshitting to begin with.

But it's a function of not thinking about how fucked up it feels when fucked up things get said and nobody else thinks it's fucked up, because they just don't knowwwww. They're not always trying to be assholes, they just literally sometimes do not get it. It is better to engage than to roll your eyes. Some guys will keep trolling you until the very last second. You can almost always get them to admit that they're just trying to push your buttons and don't really believe the thing they are arguing in favor of.

Guys will feel REALLY BAD when they get called out, and usually react by either getting really loud and angry and defensive, or really sad and quiet and weird. This might make you feel bad or like a bully but don't. Some conversations are uncomfortable but also necessary. They are so uncomfortable because they are so necessary. Discomfort is not death. You will be fine after, I promise. And then you will feel fucking great, because trying to protect other people from reality is for morons and chumps.

Non-normative guys who still secretly consider themselves the most macho guy in their friend group get totally freaked out when confronted by real actual bros, because it forces them to face the ultimate self-truth that they actually hate bros and they actually do respect women. They're just still embarrassed that they're indoor kids who are not good at sports, because athleticism is to men what beauty is to women. 

What If I Complain And Get Laughed At And Dismissed? Well this might happen 99% of the time, because that is how men are socialized to react to being uncomfortable. The other option is that they get quiet and squirrelly and weird and constipated about talking. It sucks to have to call people out. But it is important, because that is the only way anything is ever going to change. Women have done everything in their power to conform to the existing power structures (even though those structures generally run and ruin our lives). Straight white men are the ones who have to change. They have to.

You know in Shampoo when Warren Beatty says that when he does women's hair all they ever do is complain about all the horrible bullshit men put them through? All I ever witness is straight men showing me how miserable they are with the expectations placed on them as men, how much they hate trying to live up to this impossible standard and how unhappy they still are if they manage to succeed. They have a hard time acknowledging there are other modes of being because they are fucking terrified to deviate from the known, even though the known is horrible and hurts them.

"Masculinity" is as damaging to men as "Femininity" is to women. Neither is something to aspire to. Women who understand this are called feminists. Men who understand this aren't called anything yet, but maybe they can just be called feminists too. 

Lowered Expectations, The Double Edged Sword: When men demonstrate or betray surprise that you know a lot about something or have mastered a skill that they care about, it unfortunately just shows that some guys still don't expect women to care about anything. Except being pretty and shopping and having thoughts that are somehow completely unlike male thoughts in any way. They think we don't like dumb obsessive information hoarding. They think our brains are wired differently. They are wrong. Sasha Baron-Cohen's brother is wrong (man u so fucking wrong Simon). 

The flip side of exceptionalism for anyone from an oppressed group is the realization that you are only considered exceptional because the system is sooooooo fuckkkkkked uppppppppp. The idea that it's fair and you just worked your way in because you're so hyper-talented is a useful seeming illusion that stops benefiting you the moment it fucks over somebody else. When men are like "wow you're so cool, you're not like most girls" it always begs the question oh my god what do you think girls are like?

Some people will never want to talk about the way things are or how and why they got that way. if you end up exiled or excluded from the boys' club for not towing the party line, start your own fucking club. I'll come! I'll bring a lovely bottle of orange soda.

Allies And Enemies Some guys will hate you for being superior to them at the thing they care most about being good at. They are Paul Kinseys. This generally looks like it sounds, and involves sputtering. Cool guys will respect you and your hustle without being personally or professionally threatened. The coolest guys (Ken Cosgroves) will be secure in themselves enough to respect you specifically because of your hustle. 

Most cool girls are totally fucked up because they are used to guys telling them they are "cool" or "funny" or "smart" and they assume it's a euphemism for "not hot" because they already feel like dudes with boobs. But that's okay because a hundred percent of cool guys are fucked up too and secretly feel like girls with dicks. Straight men are sooooooooo pink inside. They just can't tell you or anyone, because they have been socialized expressly not to. But I just told you you, and now everybody knows.

The idea that men will be turned off by ambition or success is just another part of the big lie. It is meant to scare you and keep you from questioning the system. The only men who are turned off by ambition and success are men that are insecure about their own talents and success or lack thereof. You don't really want to know those guys anyway, because they suck and they will constantly attempt to undermine you, and even if you are secure enough in yourself not to care it's still really fucking annoying.

Everyone feels like the worst awkward looking junior high version of themselves at times and has conflicted feelings about whatever demographic they usually date. The best thing you can do is team up to fight all the lame assholes of both genders. 

If You Are A Straight Guy Who Figured Out Girls And Gays Are The Most Fun:

- Of course you can join, but you have to shut up. I mean, you can talk, obviously. But you have to realize and recognize that traditional male privilege becomes your liability in these situations. The same thing that puts you at the top of the pecking order in most social situations (glass elevator) puts you at the bottom of this one. Get used to bottoming. Realize it can be the best. Think about how intense it is to be a woman.

- If anybody makes fun of straight dudes and the lame bonehead things they sometimes do, you are not allowed to get defensive and say that you never do any of those things. Relax, we're aren't talking about you. We're just talking about privilege denying dudes in general, and admitting that they exist is not the same as being one. The best first step to demonstrating that you are not one is to admit that they exist. 

How About When You're The Privileged Person In The Situation? Golden rule. Don't deny that the privilege exists or that while some people might have it, certainly you are not one of those people because blah blah blah. Nope. Don't do that. Admit that the world is unfair, that there are ideologies and systems in place that benefit some people and hurt others, often one at the expense of the other.

Accept that while you didn't create and don't directly control these systems, you have definitely benefited from them at one time or another. Equality isn't about fucking anyone over. It's about learning how not to do that. Listen to what other people have to say. Do not mistake your personal lived experiences for universal truths or cite them as if they were such. Genuinely listen. Pay attention. Listen. 

Things That Might Happen While You Are In The Boys' Club:

- it will be suggested that you are only considered talented because you are a woman, implying that even if you are talented, you are just "talented for a woman." Untalented men jealous of your skills will cling to this even when it becomes clear how blatantly untrue it is.

It involves the idea that being beaten by somebody who is "lesser" is emasculating and humiliating. But that women should be happy, even excited to be beaten by men in all situations, because women's egos are always discounted as being secondary to men's. 

- Whatever you look like, it will be used against you. If you're attractive it will be used to suggest that men are just pretending to care about what you think in order to try to fuck you. If you're unattractive, it will be used to discount you as a human being entirely, on the grounds that a woman who is not physically attractive to heterosexual men is a completely useless entity, no matter how smart or talented she is. 

- You may be praised in a way that is so backhanded and/or condescending you're not really sure if it still counts as praise.

- The conversations will all be oriented around straight men and their desires. 

- Boys' clubs exist to protect and preserve the right that some people believe they have to make no allowance for anyone else. That is privilege.

- If you dig too deep with some people it will come out that they genuinely do believe that women are less interested in things than men are. That women who have interests are outliers or unusual cases, This is part of a larger heterosexual male narcissism wherein it is assumed that all of women's interests are related to men: that if a woman is a record nerd, it is because she learned about it from a guy or she hopes to meet men through it rather than because she just genuinely enjoys music. 

This is obviously total bullshit. Women have interests because they have their own interests, because they are human beings. They are interested in things. And you can have those independent interests and still want to fuck Mick Jagger, and it doesn't discount the authenticity of your fandom for the music of The Rolling Stones. It's not like men don't equally want to fuck Mick Jagger. That's the whole point of Mick Jagger.

Women don't just like things because some dude turned them onto it. You like things because you turn yourself onto things, because you like finding out what you like. 

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She tumbls here and twitters here. You can find an archive of her writing here.

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References (445)

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Reader Comments (174)

Start with your mom

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLou

Concrete examples of what? Being treated in sexist ways at work? Having negative experiences with other people? I'm sure they do. I don't think, though, that my female friends view their existences as dominated by the soul-crushingly omnipresent gender dynamic you perceive, just as I don't think my male ones (my boy's club, if you will) are locked in an unending "homosocial competition" with one another. In fact, I find most people both (1) pretty friendly, and (2) not that inclined to reflect unceasingly on the supposed power dynamics of every interaction they have on a daily basis. Who has the time? And who are these people you hang out with who constantly are saying such offensive things that they need to be called out? Why do you want to join their club anyway?

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJay

Good one, Lou! Quick Q: I need to know if you're a male Lou, in which case it's pretty obvious we're having a homosocial penis fencing match right now, or a female one, in which case you're just calling me out on my shit, which is totally awesome.

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJay

you must still be in school Jay.
Workplace sexism is rife in most industries. and if you can't see it, well, someday...
she's spot on with both the omnipresence of sexism (whether or not the women are apparently "crushed" by its weight or not) and the unconscious homosocial competition among dudes.
Would you raise an eyebrow if you're pilot and copilot on the redeye to Jakarta were two women? probs.
Would you take your Porshe to a female technician for service? probs not more than once. but maybe. if she were hot.
Would you trust a female architect to manage the design and construction of your new downtown stadium? hmmmm. deep down you want to say no.

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLou

Why do you need to know Lou's gender? so you can pigeonhole me? isn't that what the kids call it?
u sexist pig.

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLou

You are an amazing writer and I love this article. Bravo!

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSage

This is genius. I'm a female screenwriter and film director and I teach film students and I need to put this in the syllabus.

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCaptain Awkward

Many good points here.

I work in what would be considered a 'boys club', I agree that women should not feel the need to compete in this environment, I also agree that calling people out on their bullshit is important - but everyone bullshits, men and women. Call them all out.

Feminism - the kind that makes men roll their eyes, the radical, purist type, doesn't really exist these days. It needed to happen in a radical way so women could catch up, be recognised - but going bra-less these days is more fashion than feminism. Girls who want a career aren't feminists, they are just people who happen to be girls, who want a career.

Women don't want to make men feel stupid or uncomfortable, but men do need to remember that 50 years of western culture accepting that chicks are kind of all right still doesn't balance out hundreds of years of inequality. So guys, don't get cranky when a girl gets on her high horse about these issues, she's got a lot of venting to do on behalf of her predecessors!

February 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

lol @ all u mansplainers.

If you can't see the value in what Molly is saying in this excellent essay (and/or you have ever uttered, or typed, the phrase "feminism is sexism"), LOLOLOL WUT R U DOING HERE?

no srsly, plz go away. No 1 cares & u will NEVARRR be as smart as Molly, no matter how many times you explain that wymyn r wrong, no srsly they're WRONG becuz we're HURTING UR FEELINGS!!!11!!11!1!!!!

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTucker Max's Mother

Thanks for this-- it's helping me figure out other women- why they behave the way they do when men they know are around...

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNupur

Thank you, Stefan.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertommy

Ever notice how it's always white people who claim that "racism is over," and men who say the same about sexism?

It's not over!

...until the gender-neutral person of indeterminate weight sings.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Patriarch

This is seriously pathetic.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter...

Is 63 comments a record?
now 64.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLou

this is fucking awesome, Molly.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHazel Vaalbara

Yay! Just great.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

My girlfriend finally read thisrecording because of this essay. fuck yeah molly

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersagehoe

Fuck yeah, Molly. Fuck guys.

Again, just want to thank you for the RGB photos (Redhead, Giant Boobs).

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTyler

Thank you. So much.
I've worked in way too many boy's clubs. Always took the "one of them" route. Never successfully enough not to hit my head on that glass ceiling - hard.
I'm so done with that now. Learning to be done with it at least.

Also, I apologise way too much (it's also a nurture problem nothing to do with my gender though).
Stopped that too.

This article wonderfully supports my decisions. So thank you.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermccutcheon

Molly, everything you have to say here is really compelling. You are a fantastic writer. I would love to see what you have to say about how issues of class affect privilege. I worry that "coolness' is so often a euphemism for access to participating in the exchange of cultural capital, that coolness is mostly derived from one's class status, and coolness is a shitty thing to be pursuing at the expense of idk...some kind of activisty, and definitely "not cool" pursuit. Maybe that's naive. Maybe what you are doing here is actually making being a feminist cool (that's awesome). I still worry that exclusion these days could possibly have less to do with gender than with where you fall in an economical hierarchy. People with access to more have more options to perform their identities however they choose. Girls can be privelege denying dudes just by having access to shit. If you have access (you know, betrayed by high class problems of any sort, really), you could potentially be in a position that puts other people in lesser relation to you. There are a lot of moving parts difficult to account for. You are addressing exclusionism here, and exclusionism sucks. Once some line of performing identity has been drawn, isn't an exclusion made? Inclusiveness is great, treating people with decency is ideal, and we should all be humanists. How to go about this depending on your position? There are all these gradations of privilege. I find it confusing. The glass ceiling is a problem...but so is participation in a shitty capitalistic system that discounts the humanity of lots of people). This sounds stupid. Basically I am just saying I would love if you would write more on the subject and help my stupid ass think this out. Please?

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterm

Fantastic article.

Something to add under the "Things That Might Happen While You Are In The Boys' Club" umbrella:

Men who think that being a woman is a style of comedy- that there aren't many different types of female comedians in the world. If you listen to this clip of Neil Simon, he talks about the "specialized kinds of writers" as "witty, physical . . . a woman."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjdNnU3zSII

Thank you for writing this, Molly. Can't wait to check out more of your work!

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Most cool girls are totally fucked up because they are used to guys telling them they are "cool" or "funny" or "smart" and they assume it's a euphemism for "not hot" because they already feel like dudes with boobs. But that's okay because a hundred percent of cool guys are fucked up too and secretly feel like girls with dicks.

Is it really necessary to use trans people as a metaphor for cis people's gender troubles?

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKiriAmaya

I was on the subway coming home after a writing meeting with a bunch of dudes. Was feeling a little ripshit about the status dynamic in the room. When the director said, "We will move to a monthly cycle," in reference to our schedule, two guys fell on the floor laughing.

It gets exhausting after a while. Stumbled on your post via twitter. Thank you - this is pure GOLD!

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercathleen

Awesome article. (Although the idea of fucking Mick Jagger is truly repulsive.)

Still, please stop with the use of 'lame' as a pejorative. Ableism hurts feminism too.

And also to echo KiriAmaya's comment above: sex =/= gender.

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertree

Ladies, if you are looking to land Mr. Right, ignore The Rules. Instead, read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTyler

legend status tbh

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkatie

THANK YOU. Loved this post. Love everything about it. I'm consistently the only female in a boys club and I'm constantly being undermined with passive aggressive comments. Great read.

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJane Moneypenny

Great article. Thank you.

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchuck

I'm a man who really liked this article. Thanks.

February 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSi

Hey Molly - you're awesome. Thanks for producing stuff like this on a regular basis.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterK

i dont like the idea of censoring myself based on the sensitivities of others.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterluke

This was one of the best articles you have ever written. Thank you so much.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

To the men who feel offended/annoyed/confused by this - I'm a man and I think it's useful for us to ask ourselves, Would so many strong and intelligent women just make up the notion of sexism if it didn't exist? That should be our first clue to listen. And it's okay to be troubled, but there's a difference between being troubled and concluding that somebody has set out to trouble you. The trouble is there. Sometimes we glimpse it.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSi

Gah. Are you high? What decade are you living in???

I love Mad Men too, but this is obviously the result of thinking that ONLY men are in power. You've *obviously* had some nightmarish experiences, and for that, I feel for you.

Lady, you are propagating the very treatment you abhor.

Break YOURSELF free from the gender-duality mindset. You're dumbing down the rest of us.

Men are people too, honey.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterUltimaEsperenza

I was wrote a post a while back and your post inspired me to add some other thoughts I owe it to you so here it is: http://wp.me/pErfp-2W

This was an amazing inspiration. Thank you.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commentervaov

So right on! And if you replace any old school dichotomy (black/white, straight/gay, India/Pakistan), it still applies! Oh, and I LOVE orange soda!

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKJ

will you write about the latest 30 Rock? pretty please?

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPearJack

This is beautiful.

February 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersuzy pepper

Ms. Lambert: Thanks for speaking to us like we're vapid teenagers. ("cunty"? "u so wrong"?) I'm sure that will get men to take us seriously and not at all reinforce the stereotype that women only care about gossiping and aren't intellectually up to par.

Next time try to find your inner professionalism when you're selecting a voice for your article, and use some evidence for your claims that aren't based on celebrity comparisons.

February 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBalthy

thank you for writing this! as a student of comedy and journalism it feels impossible sometimes to remain a feminist/prove I am funny/prove I am serious about my writing.

February 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermariana

You can tell when a feminist is bound and determined to be angry with men by the use of the word "club" to describe any association primarily composed of men. Be honest, Molly: when you look down a hole in the middle of a road, in the middle of winter, and see three or four men down there trying to fix a broken water main while freezing their asses off, do you say to yourself, "look at that boys club"? There are other possible reasons for the absence of women in that hole in the ground. You can invent all kinds of stories to explain why those dudes in the hole are keeping women out, but those don't make it true. Except that they might be self-fulfilling prophecies.

February 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

This rocks. \m/

February 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLinda Leseman

Overall, pretty darn good! There are a few issues, but it's mostly spot-on.

Tyler, I just want to point out that not every woman who is currently unmarried is looking desperately to land Mr. Right. As someone who works (and plays) in a field dominated by men and is married to an awesome fellow, I would like to point out that the advice offered here of just being one's best self is a fantastic way to go. The guys who don't like women that are willing to let that light shine brightly are going to feel duped when your real personality comes out and will not take it well. My experience is that strong men and strong women both tend to like people who can and will keep up with them.

February 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAllison

What a really odd article, full of weird stereotypes that I don't really come across at my work. I'm a woman working in a male-dominated field and have no problems with dealing with either the men or the women. The only problems I've had with people have been entirely unrelated to my gender. I know my stuff; people respect that. End of story.

February 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSallia

AWESOME.

but but but

>>>> if you end up exiled or excluded from the boys' club for not towing the party line,

"toeing", not "towing", right?

February 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergreen

Oh man, I was so on board until the [i]If You Are A Straight Guy Who Figured Out Girls And Gays Are The Most Fun[/i] part.

There are inherent problems within that the hetro-normative, white male dominated, culture. These cause problems for those people who do not conform to that ideological system. That's not exclusive to gays or females, and saying that I don't get to talk about something that also effects me negatively because of my gender or sexual orientation is fucked up and backwards. If I'm agreeing that men and woman should be treated equally, regardless of colour or sex preference, than don't treat me like I'm part of the problem. This is what you want all straight men to think like, right?

February 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGraham

Loved this article. Wasn't going to comment until I saw today that a common response was "I think you're over-thinking things."

The most common comment should be "AWESOME" because it soooo was.

Thank you.

March 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMeaghan

"wow you're so cool, you're not like most girls"

In my experience, when women hear this, many of them don't stop to think about the screwed-up gender politics of the remark. They hear, "I win!"

March 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

If this article were about how closed-minded and insecure women are, and the tactics men should use to break into their groups and prove their amazingness, it would be a horribly sexist article. But reverse the genders and it's fine, even praise-worthy. Because sexism is only bad when men do it!

This why I avoid people who call themselves feminists. I've seen far more ugly, sexist, judgemental attitudes from feminists than from men.

March 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllanie

Yes, Definitely AWESOME

I really took to heart the "stop apologizing all the time" - no more!

March 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterH

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