Here's What You Missed On American Idol
by ALMIE ROSE
In the beginning of the series, Steven Tyler fell asleep and Jennifer Lopez looked concerned, but more for herself:
They tried to judge but instead acted like they were in middle school and having a pizza party:
A few weeks ago, Todd Rundgren showed up for no reason. Gotta believe that was way awkward for Steven Tyler considering neither one of them is sure who Liv’s dad is. Iggy Pop performed. Yes, Iggy Pop, and he did it shirtless like it was the 70s and this man was not amused:
Then a few weeks after, Lady Gaga stopped by to show off her new stupid look and coach the kids. This is the face she made watching Scotty-I-Poop-American-Flags perform.
And that's not Tom Hanks next to her, it's Jimmy Iovine. He is a dick.
And that brings us to tonight. The final three:
Scotty, "I used to work in a grocery store because I love America and I sing songs about that but I would never curse because I respect Lady America and Lady Gaga scares me, I'm sorry Jesus."
Lauren, "Y'all havin a good time, I'm like a combination of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, right? Riiiiight? RIGHT? Don't make me cry because it's so awkward I can't handle this at all oh lord."
And finally, Hailey, the "I growl because I'm the dark horse wait that doesn't sound right hey I whatever I'll milk this Janis Joplin Stevie Nicks thing and Jimmy Iovine scares me."
So Beyonce was there to "help" and she did, she helped herself by premiering her music video for an audience of millions because sadly MTV is just a concept now and not a real thing.
She did a favor to us by making this face while describing Haley.
Then suddenly we saw this. I can only guess that Elijiah Wood lost a lot of weight and to celebrate he made his friend wear a dog costume.
Scotty performed and it was boring as hell except for this tender moment:
Then there was an Old Navy commercial that I turned into art:
Then Lauren was going to perform but her pantyhose ran so they explained they were going to put glimmer lotion on her instead, so there was a lot of leg touching backstage while Seacrest looked on enviously, because you know he wants an excuse to wear glitter lotion. "Hey everyone, my pants ripped!"
So who's going to be in the final two? I have a feeling Haley will. Since the show started she made the transformation from Jessi Spano...
...to Nomi Malone:
Expect to see this face leaving us:
Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Apocalypstick. She last wrote in these pages about the movie Clue. You can find an archive of her work on This Recording here. She twitters here.
"Telephone (demo)" - Britney Spears (mp3)
"Born This Way (live)" - Katy Perry (mp3)
"You & I" - Haley Reinhardt (mp3)