Ma Vision Quest
by DICK CHENEY
Time is nonce. Others perish, I go on; I do not truly know if I am as immortal as George H.W. Bush once told me I might be. The legends of my Wyoming castle are numerous - once a black bear knelt to me as if I was God or World Wide Wes.
In the green valley that marks the western end of my ranch is the passage to the wilderness. The Asjeval warriors who once sheltered there are long gone to history, but some descendants remain. It was their tradition to watch Nick at Night until wiser minds gave way to TV Land. In return for the sacred mewings of Fran Drescher, they told me of the journey their young men take to find new paths.
Since retirement has suited me well enough, I never thought to consider the deprivation, the true escape from the civilized world offered by their tradition. Yesterday I was super bored though, and tired of Donald Rumsfeld's constant jokes about how Archie Manning is a closeted homosexual. I pretended to be polishing up a new horse saddle, filled a fanny pack with Juicy Juice, Kudos bars and baby wipes, and headed back to the valley.
Since the pleasures of the internet (Commentary, The Awl, City Journal and the rare times The Weekly Standard isn't publishing long articles about ACORN) only last so long, here are some tips and tricks for your own quasi-emotional trek to find what in the spirit world is significant in the real.
- it is well to select a spirit animal yourself, lest one be provided for you
- a grouping of ferrets is called a "business"
- do not just eat *any* berry, or as it is termed by the Asjeval of the plains, "burry"
- songbirds do not care for Bon Iver
- masturbation during a vision quest is at best gauche and at worst likely to put you at serious risk of frostpenis
- it's all fun and games until you come across the rare anti-semitic spotted mountain cat
- Gaston was probably not so bad, didn't he just want to save that bookish woman from a psychotic monster?
- I'm not sure what kind of moral superiority owls think they possess, but the constant jabs at Karl Rove's weight are somewhat mean-spirited
- when considering a spirit animal to serve as your bond-beast, underestimate the rabbit at your own peril: when it becomes too annoying it may be consumed as a delicious treat
- the only useful hallucination that cocaine causes is that your rapid speech is entertaining to weasels and prairie dogs, and even then
- the finest orgasm imaginable is obtained only while dangling from a precipice
- face paint tastes like green tea mixed with ashes
- be sure to check your boots for scorpions and G. Gordon Liddy
- scorn is the only response when a juvenile fox abjectly refuses to write blog posts as commanded
- put a pebble in your mouth to slake thirst or look cool
- sleep is for the weak
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer residing for the most part in the spirit world, the rest of the time you may contact his wife Lynne for his exact whereabouts. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.
"Morning" - Beck (mp3)
"Heart Is A Drum" - Beck (mp3)
The new album from Beck is entitled Morning Phase, and it will be released on February 25th.