Died for the Watch
by DICK CHENEY
That feeling: when it's been too long since you have had a Thrones-ing. Watching King Tommen fawn over a cat named Sir Pounce doesn't quite fill the hole inside me.
God how I hate you, Sir Pounce. You are mangy, your politics are mostly likely left-liberal, and I suspect you of making secret, inappropriate jokes about the amputee in the King's Guard. Sir Pounce your bon mots are no match for my bon blogs.
You know who is a fantastic eunuch? That Grey Worm.
But let me get back to Tommen. This little persnickety tween is no king. Joffrey was a man. He once shot an arrow in the boar that killed his father. Sure, it was a pouty arrow, but come on - he shot an arrow. He didn't lavish his attentions on a cat and a woman who closely resembles the Joker.
Having to listen to Littlefinger pleasing Lady Arryn was disturbing at best, treasonous at worst. Overhearing anyone have sex can be downright unpleasant for all parties concerned, but at least you know it's not King Tommen by himself in his chambers calling out for his pathetic cat in the night.
Frankly, I have a lot of respect for Lysa Arryn. It must have been really hard to watch people constantly making moves on your ginger sister when you know that (1) you had better goods, (2) you were better at squeezing people's hands really hard and (3) Catelyn Stark pouted a lot, probably too much.
To take away the pain, it is important to find refuge in simple friendship. Sure, Jaime probably went too far with his actions in previous episodes, causing The Onion A/V Club to run that oh-so-regrettable headline "Rape of Thrones", but a lot of crazy shit happened around Joffrey's corpse. That was no one's fault, understand? Indicate that you heard me.
I find joy in the wondrous, odd-couple journey of Tyrion's squire and that tall woman. The two are absolutely adorable together. Why couldn't they have taken Sir Pounce with them, ideally sacrificing the beast to the White Walkers? I loathe you, Sir Pounce. Even a frozen, zombie version of you would not be kewl. I want to travel back in time and have Joffrey send an arrow into you. The only acceptable spirit animal for a King of Westeros is a wolf, unless HBO springs for CGI that week. Then it's a dragon.
Lynne informed me recently that I am godfather to a child named Arya. At first I laughed, but then I grew serious. I wondered aloud why you would honor a child by naming her after a woman whose greatest achievements involve acting way too young for her age, having a hot friend named Hot Pie, and wandering across the King's Road for a solid three seasons. No wonder that scarred fellow is always so upset with her, does she even have an M.F.A.?
Now that all my hatred of yore directed towards Bran Stark is now focused lagely on the king's cat and Anna Wintour, I can get behind the emotional journey of the young paraplegic. Deprived of both mother and father, stranded in a cold land, imprisoned by a guy doing a weird impression of a sadistic Lee Evans, I can finally sympathize with Brandon Stark based solelyon the fact that we both recently lost a lot of strength in our legs.
Fuck you, Sir Pounce. Also, must Jojen Reed spend half his waning hours meaningfully nodding to his friends and family. Use your words, marshling.
You know who was a fantastic eunuch? All of the eunuchs.
Next time on Game of Thrones promises the exciting conclusion to the trial of Tyrion Lannister. I hope he calls every single one of the dwarves at Joffrey's wedding to testify on his behalf. You can say a lot of things, but you can't say those little buggers didn't do a fantastic job representing the death of the Mad King and Robert Baratheon's victorious rebellion.
Miss you Joffrey. I keep missing everybody. Ned. Myrcella. Craster. Renly. Roose Bolton's bff. Lord Mormont. Everyone. Sansa, because she's in the Eyrie. I even miss Littlefinger sometimes, usually when I'm wondering how big his dick is. I miss that Walder Frey guy. What was he all about? I miss the whore that Tyrion used to try to appease, even when she was being super-weird. I miss Nymeria and Lyanna Stark. But most of all, more than anything, I miss The Sopranos.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location.
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