Do You Want To Meet My Dad? He's Disgusting
by DICK CHENEY
The Other Woman
dir. Nick Cassavetes
It is a popular and sexist myth that female friendships are more deepening and anechoic than any other kind of relationship, even, laughably, exceeding the rapport between a boy and his dog.
Kate (Leslie Mann) tries to make this kind of relationship happen with a high powered lawyer named Carly who was fucking her husband (Cameron Diaz), but it just comes across like a relationship between a cocker spaniel and a really old looking and dilapidated poodle. Leslie Mann (Kate) cries at least fifteen times in The Other Woman; the overall message conveyed is that she remains upset about something. Perhaps women enjoy watching other women cry: crying does, after all, constitute a part of life, but maybe not the laugh-crying that Mann does here. Her weird sobs and verbal ablutions are supposed to be a parody of hysteria, but come across like she's having a bad reaction to the gobs of makeup they heaped on her to make her outshine Cameron in every scene. (It worked.)
Watching Kate and Carly ogling Kate Upton's mediocre body is a whole new kind of voyeurism, like the reverse of viewing The Big Bang Theory and thinking Kaley Cuoco is appealing. (She could never get a decent physicist interested in her, let alone one who was so amazing on Roseanne.)
How does Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) figure into these events? My working theory is that he was sent into our world in order to subtly convince Ms. Upton to never act in movies again, because her performance makes Grace Kelly's acting look Stanislavski-level. She is even worse than Jon Snow, and she is not as good-looking as he is, even if they were both women.
Jaime Lannister prepares to cheat on his wife by keeping an apartment in the city, only the most suspicious way to commit infidelity in the entire world. He presumably keeps photos of himself and Cersei there, and when he shows a new woman around the place, he winks meaningfully when he tells her the woman in the photos is his sister.
Once the two abandoned blondes recruit a third, they have an extremely emotional bonding weekend. Because Jaime wants to be with more than one of them, they poison him with female hormones and dip his toothbrush in the toilet. Some of the things they do would get them sentenced to life in prison in Canada, others merely reek of poor taste and shit jokes.
In the end Kate Upton and Cameron Diaz's father who is the same age as her (Don Johnson) get together. Yes, they become a couple, even though she thinks Miami Vice is the name of a urinary tract infection you get on spring break. My emotions at this pairing are best summarized by a gif of her smiling at him lovingly as they are both massaged by Asians. (Don Johnson's previous girlfriend was "Indian, beautiful.") The Other Woman makes The Hangover look confidently multicultural.
There is actually one character of color in The Other Woman, she is Cameron Diaz's secretary (Nicki Minaj), who explains that she only answers Carly's phone to have something to fill her time while her husband makes the actual money, and that "the best part about being pretty is that you don't have to work." If this is a joke, who is it on? Ugly people?
It turns out that not only does Jaime Lannister have time to cheat on his wife with a variety of women, he is also a criminal who steals money and plans to frame his wife for the crime. You would think this would make the harem even more angry at him, but they actually soften a bit — he's clearly a troubled person.
Kate's brother tells her that he always knew Jaime Lannister was a bad choice, most likely because he is very lonely and jealous of her happiness. Kate's feng shui business isn't exactly taking off so she enters her husband's workplace and that's when the worst thing that can happen to a woman occurs: Cameron Diaz marries her brother, who Kate has Hotel New Hampshire-type feelings for.
Kate is upset and alone, but it's a good thing she found out about the cheating, because now her ex-husband is bankrupt and she will most likely be paying him alimony, taking care of his dog, and writing a check for the property taxes on a massive Greenwich house she cannot afford. Meanwhile, he is free to return to Cersei or even find someone more understanding with which to share his waning days as a one-armed man.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He misses everyone a lot more than he thought he would: Hot Pie, the Hound, even Brienne, Gilly, that old Maester, Podrick, Lord Prestimon, Rand, Jesus and Melisandre.
"Blonde" - Alizee (mp3)
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