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This Recording

is dedicated to the enjoyment of audio and visual stimuli. Please visit our archives where we have uncovered the true importance of nearly everything. Should you want to reach us, e-mail alex dot carnevale at gmail dot com, but don't tell the spam robots. Consider contacting us if you wish to use This Recording in your classroom or club setting. We have given several talks at local Rotarys that we feel went really well.

Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Thursday
May192011

In Which We Take The Worst Job In Recorded History

For This Job

by YVONNE GEORGINA PUIG

They hired me because I looked the part. Skinny, young, dressed in black. I was their new gallerina, and they thought I was perfect. The problem was that I was actually interested in art.

By the second day, I'd answered the phone without extending my "O"- Gooooowd Ahftahnoon, STICK-UP-THE-BUTT L.A. GALLERY, used the restroom without asking permission, taken a half-hour lunch, spoken directly to the owner when he was standing two feet away from me (for which I was promptly scolded), and shockingly, had a conversation with an artist, a photorealist painter whose work I admired. I will never forget the look of horror on the director's face when she saw me standing in the gallery discussing a painting. Horror and then ice. "Never speak to the artists," she warned me.

12 dollars an hour, 8 hours, 9 really, but they don't pay you for the lunch they essentially prohibit you from taking. No one questioned this, not even the other gallerina, a Naomi Campbell-type who took the opening of the mail to unheard of levels of pretentious.

I just couldn't get it right, my wrist simply wouldn’t flick with the same elegance as hers, and so I failed at opening envelopes. I asked too many questions. How dare I inquire about David Hockney. Never call him, she said, when I saw his phone number in the database, we never call Hockney directly.

I bought a new dress for this job. A black shirtdress from Banana Republic. 120 dollars. My first job out of college. All the effort had led to this.

The desk I was stuck behind was formidable. My eyes were hardly level with the top. This meant that whoever entered the gallery literally looked down upon me. I suddenly discovered I had pride. It wasn’t an emotion I’d ever had to summon in a professional situation before. For all I knew, I was fine with being bossed around. Turns out I wasn't, and I’m not, and this being glued to big bleak desk, eyes staring down on me, was really not okay.

Tensions grew with the director. She didn't like the way I asked about books. She was mean to me about eating. It was clear that she preferred I not eat at all. On the third day she regarded my not-black outfit with silent disgust. The cold way she spoke to me, then a moment later, pandered to Dale Chihuly about his room at the Chateau, reminded me how much I loved to write. I decided I loathed her. She became a character, a thing to observe, and eventually, to use.

It was a battle. Where on the first day she had been charming, thinking me malleable, she now despised me for my lack of complacency. Every word out of her mouth became pointed. She seemed to over-emphasize her British accent for stinging effect. I pretended not to care, though it stung. Naomi Campbell, noticing, tried to teach me her graceful way of complying, and I attempted, but over and over I failed.

My only reprieve was my short visits to the business office, where the accounting lady who had little interest in modern art but loved numbers would talk to me in a sweet voice. She was kind and her office had a view of the ocean. I remember staring out the window and internally dissolving while she spoke to me about W9s, convinced that a life in which I would be free to do what I loved would never be possible for me. I felt my stomach tighten and I knew, resolutely, that sort of freedom would be the thing I devoted my life to attaining.

By 5 o'clock on the last day of my second week the director called me to her office and sat me down. When she called I was about to call her. I quit the moment she fired me, and I left. We were nemeses. I walked to the beach and sat in the sand and felt like the freest, happiest person in the universe. I was angry and utterly broke, but I was free.

A little over a year later, I was working at Variety. Still pretty broke, but I loved my job. I was assigned to cover a schmancy museum gala honoring a trendy old man artist. By some fluke, the PR girl sat me at the front table, across from Michael Crichton, earshot from Steve Martin, and right beside John Baldesarri. I tried to act older and feigned experience and could hardly eat from nerves. It was great. But the greatest part, greater than listening to Steve Martin talk about the beat up car he used to drive around LA, better than Michael Crichton enlightening me on the myths of global warming, better than John Baldessari claiming to me that his paintings mean nothing and that he has no clue what he's doing, was the moment I turned around and saw the director of the S.U.T.B. gallery, staring at me from her table at the nosebleed back of the courtyard, in disbelief. Yes, I waved languidly, it's me, your gallerina. And I waved again to make sure she knew. Sweet satisfaction.

The best end to the worst job.

Yvonne Georgina Puig is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She tumbls here. You can find an archive of her work on TR here. She last wrote in these pages about her metabolism.

Jane Bown's portrait of David Hockney

"Heart It Races" - Dr. Dog (mp3)

"The Breeze" - Dr. Dog (mp3)

"Shadow People" - Dr. Dog (mp3)

Thursday
May192011

In Which Ryan Seacrest Is The Richest Man You Know

Here's What You Missed On American Idol

by ALMIE ROSE

In the beginning of the series, Steven Tyler fell asleep and Jennifer Lopez looked concerned, but more for herself:

They tried to judge but instead acted like they were in middle school and having a pizza party:

A few weeks ago, Todd Rundgren showed up for no reason. Gotta believe that was way awkward for Steven Tyler considering neither one of them is sure who Liv’s dad is. Iggy Pop performed. Yes, Iggy Pop, and he did it shirtless like it was the 70s and this man was not amused:

Then a few weeks after, Lady Gaga stopped by to show off her new stupid look and coach the kids. This is the face she made watching Scotty-I-Poop-American-Flags perform.

And that's not Tom Hanks next to her, it's Jimmy Iovine. He is a dick.

And that brings us to tonight. The final three:

Scotty, "I used to work in a grocery store because I love America and I sing songs about that but I would never curse because I respect Lady America and Lady Gaga scares me, I'm sorry Jesus."

Lauren, "Y'all havin a good time, I'm like a combination of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, right? Riiiiight? RIGHT? Don't make me cry because it's so awkward I can't handle this at all oh lord."

And finally, Hailey, the "I growl because I'm the dark horse wait that doesn't sound right hey I whatever I'll milk this Janis Joplin Stevie Nicks thing and Jimmy Iovine scares me."

So Beyonce was there to "help" and she did, she helped herself by premiering her music video for an audience of millions because sadly MTV is just a concept now and not a real thing.

She did a favor to us by making this face while describing Haley.

Then suddenly we saw this. I can only guess that Elijiah Wood lost a lot of weight and to celebrate he made his friend wear a dog costume.

Scotty performed and it was boring as hell except for this tender moment:

Then there was an Old Navy commercial that I turned into art:

Then Lauren was going to perform but her pantyhose ran so they explained they were going to put glimmer lotion on her instead, so there was a lot of leg touching backstage while Seacrest looked on enviously, because you know he wants an excuse to wear glitter lotion. "Hey everyone, my pants ripped!"

So who's going to be in the final two? I have a feeling Haley will. Since the show started she made the transformation from Jessi Spano...

...to Nomi Malone:

Expect to see this face leaving us:

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Apocalypstick. She last wrote in these pages about the movie Clue. You can find an archive of her work on This Recording here. She twitters here.

"Telephone (demo)" - Britney Spears (mp3)

"Born This Way (live)" - Katy Perry (mp3)

"You & I" - Haley Reinhardt (mp3)

 

Wednesday
May182011

In Which You Should Probably Dump Your Respective Boyfriends

Plz Advise

by MOLLY MCALEER 

Plz Advise is an advice column. You can e-mail me questions about almost anything, but don’t like, take out a loan against your 401k or murder anyone based on anything I say. I'm not a doctor, duh. E-mail your questions to plzadviseme@gmail.com and keep them under 150 words.

Molls,

My only goal for the past decade was writing, 3 unpublished novels. Adversely, things like kids and marriage were the last thing on my mind. My relationship of 3-years is now an issue. I love my girlfriend and can see marrying her, having kids, but what’s holding me back is money and time. If I had kids my time would be gone. We live together and balancing my alone time/writing and being a good companion is already very difficult. Writing makes me happy. I know this 100 percent. I could devote all my days to this. But I can’t currently. Can I have both? Would I regret ending a relationship with a woman I love because I wouldn’t have the time to be what she wants? Or would I be resentful of the family that takes all my time and means, keeping me from the thing I know makes me happy?

Trevor

Wow. That's so weird that the thought of serious relationship was the last thing on your mind when it was the only palpable thing you've had. Pretty weird. Might be a book idea in there somewhere for you. Maybe just a character. I don't know, I've never tried to write a book.

Stop being a fucking donkey. Why are you punishing this woman because you can't concentrate on your crybaby art? You willingly entertained a relationship for a pretty long period of time and have probably enjoyed most of it, yet you blame her for your inability to get your work done? Gross, man.

You have three options:

1) Dump the girlfriend and finish ONE of your three books. Take it seriously. Finish it and submit it to publishers. If you’re rejected, look into private investors or Kickstarter. You don’t get your entire 20s or 30s to sit back and work on novels at night while you drop your resume into a well of irrelevance while simultaneously blaming your choices on another person,

2) Go to a fucking coffee shop and work there. Tell your girlfriend that you need to work and that you hope you guys can share your success one day and that you appreciate her support. If she's already stuck it out for three years, she should understand,

3) Realize that, while writing makes you the most happy and you’re all Letters to a Young Poet about it, you can't get it done. Hurt to read? Then go back to options one and two and figure it out from there.

Molls,

I've recently started seeing a guy who I have been friends with for a long time. Our relationship has a great dynamic: he's very easygoing and fun and very caring. However, there is one problem. He seems to not be completely over his ex, or maybe the idea of his ex. They broke up a year ago and it was a pretty bad breakup. It hadn't started bothering me until recently when we decided to start getting serious. He'll drop her name in conversation randomly or fixate on something that bothered him about her. He doesn't seem to be AWARE of it, which makes it even worse. I'd like to think I'm cool about it by not ever calling him out on it or making a big deal because I figure that's something he'll eventually get over it, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just in denial about it. It's more annoying than worrisome and I'm wondering what I can do to not let this bother me so much.

Lindsay

It genuinely saddens me to let you know that he's not over her and that you should dump him.

Molls,

So there's this guy. He hooked up thrice (nothing serious) with a friend of mine, but it never took off and ended amicably. Recently she introduced us and I think there could be something there. However, I can't stop feeling uneasy about their past history, particularly given she mentions it jokingly a lot. I've asked her if she’d be bothered if I pursued it and she's said no. He seems great and I've had it a bit rough the past two years and I feel like I deserve to try my hand at happiness within the dating scene having finally reached a place where I'm ready to BUT: Does this make me a bad friend if I do, despite her blessing? Will knowing they hook up ever not cause me pangs? Am I being a head case?

Ash

That'd be a big no and two maybes.

If your friend said to go for it, then that's what you should feel free to do. You may want to consider that it sounds like she's not over it, but it's her job to be honest with you about her feelings.  I've had this happen to me before and I wound up realizing that my friend was uncomfortable talking about her feelings with me because she was insecure and generally resented me and that the dude sucked and was not for me. That's worst-case scenario, but it'll still free you of two people that you probably don’t want around.

Just go out with this dude as friends and figure out how you feel. Go mad slow. Hang out with him and see what happens between you and how your friend reacts. Maybe you'll want to vomit any time you think about him penetrating your homegirl, maybe you'll find out he’s not as cool as you thought he was, or maybe you'll hear from her that she’s secretly in love with him and couldn't be brought to tell you. There's also a chance that none of this will matter and you two will hit it off.

As of right now, you're not working with enough information to make a decision and as you said, you deserve to have some fun with a guy. Save your worrying and ask me what I think in a few months when it turns out this dude is a heroin addict and you ask him to watch your cat for the weekend and you come home and all your expensive shit is stolen and you ask your friend where this maniac came from and she's like, "Oh, yeah. I knew him during a pretty wild time in my life. Sorry."

Molly McAleer is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here. You can find her website here. She is the co-founder of Hello Giggles.

Photographs by Jennifer Nies.

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"I Wanna Fuck You" - Akon ft. Snoop Dogg (mp3)

"Upside Down"  - NOMO & Shawn Lee (ft. Natalie Bergman) (mp3)

"Blame Game" - Kanye West (mp3)

All The Advice That's Fit To Post On The Internet

Plz Advise #1: Guidelines for Twitter Romance

Plz Advise #2: Everytime You Go Away

Plz Advise #3: How to Make Friends And Influence Bloggers

Plz Advise #4: More Of A Bro Than You Thought

Plz Advise #5: Martini Time

Plz Advise #6: A General Lack of Self-Awareness

Plz Advise #7: Dump Your Boyfriends

Plz Advise #8: Advice To Keep Close At Hand

NOMO swims