In Praise of Monarchy
by ALEX CARNEVALE
Despotism is the most underrated form of government, second only in its vast appeal to anarchism. Historians spend lifetimes proving what is obvious to everyone - we like powerful leaders who don't listen to anyone but themselves. A king or queen who turns affairs of state into a family matter is the best sort of despot. Since we tried to elect one, and he turned out to be a normal man, we can't let this sap ourselves of the possibility.
Man loves to worship something, anything. At first the vast number of interviews B.O. saw fit to grant was most vexing. But then we understood his deeply wise plan to become our monarch. Barack's perpetual campaign does make some sense, although usually our leaders wait until election season to reinforce their popularity. This constant need for attention is of course the major characteristic of the most intolerable children.
In politics, ubiquity is nearly always good unless you're interested in being the governor of New York. (Everyone knows who David Paterson is besides David Paterson.) There's such thing as too much exposure, however, and it makes the ensuing celebration ring false. For example, does anyone actually believe Taylor Swift is talented? Her voice sounds like a creaky can, and she sort of looks like she was run over by a steamroller.
Princess Diana was wildly popular here in the United States. Even Elton John was astonished about how much people cared about a white girl's sad end. Her ensuing halofication was pretty abhorrent, but worse was that empty longing that the Queen Mother felt when Camilla Bowles entered the picture. The glimmer of royalty is the salve on the pathetic inadequacy of government.
Do you have any idea what vast army of bureaucrats has taken up space in the world's biggest roach motel of Washington D.C.? Feeding off the government has moved beyond skill for these people - they actually believe they're doing the rest of us some good. Find a moron who takes American politics seriously and I'll show you a person who thinks that our next Democratic president will be the first one to reduce troop levels.
Yes, we're pumping more human lives into Afghanistan. If a king were handling this, we'd have the glory of a nationalistic speech and an unmistakable authority to dry our tears. Instead we just get another 60 Minutes interview and people pasting Barack's face on Lyndon Johnson's body in photoshop. I have given up on getting a better government, now I simply wish to feel better about the one I have.
Monarchy's singular advantage overwhelms all. Despite the necessary evil of increasing the circulation of the New York Post tenfold, a monarchy will honor us by eliminating all the unnecessary departments from the government. One wise person can easily do the work of hundreds of thousands of people who are probably not that bright. I nominate Warren Buffet for starters, and maybe after that Kathy Griffin just to mix it up a little.
We don't even need to find the smartest person in the world. First of all, most traditionally smart people aren't actually very intelligent at all. I mean, do you know how much money Steven Spielberg pays in alimony? Can we really trust him with our country? Our closest thing to a royal person was Alan Greenspan, who every president invested with some modicum of faith. Although that didn't work out so great, to be fair, Greenspan wasn't the culprit who made the United States into a service-based economy. We did that.
In this fashion, all negative things can be blamed on populism, and all remedies on the monarch. Aren't you tired of not knowing who to blame for society's ills? It's three words and it's the name of the asshole who did this to us: William Jennings Bryan.
Our democracy has long been a sham anyway; Mayor Bloomberg just rewrote the laws to keep lording everything over us. Democrats and Republicans continue to keep third party candidates out of the public debate. As wealth itself becomes less satisfying and power an even stronger entitlement, it will be a simple matter to buy elections. How can democracy exist when the only other option is robbing the populace like that gollum John McCain suggested? I don't want to pay for his lifestyle any more than I want the American taxpayer underwriting Barack's joyrides to hear if Chicago is going to get the Olympics. Kings demand ceremonial sporting events, they don't wait to be chosen to host them. Kings order us around because in our hearts, we'd all feel a lot more comfortable being told what to do.
Our pop culture is becoming radioactive; Barack and his stunning wife offered a return to the glamour of old. The richheads of Rome fell, too. All that becomes stagnant perishes except a monarch. For this reason, monarchy is not as staid a form of government as is commonly perceived.
In those halcyon days, power was as fleeting as a handjob or coy servant girl's attention. Government's most important quality was that it had to last, and democracies are only as stable as the kinds of people who vote in them. If one option is a guy who's more into critiquing Fox News than running this country, and the other option is Sarah Palin, I have a plan to select neither of these options. Barack's already got the hard part down. He's the best baby-kisser ever elected president, narrowly edging out Harry Truman's lascivious lips. At this point I'd rather watch him wear a Burger King crown than think about the outcome of the next election.
"I Have Seen The Future" - The Bravery (mp3)
"She's So Bendable" - The Bravery (mp3)
"The Spectator" - The Bravery (mp3)