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is dedicated to the enjoyment of audio and visual stimuli. Please visit our archives where we have uncovered the true importance of nearly everything. Should you want to reach us, e-mail alex dot carnevale at gmail dot com, but don't tell the spam robots. Consider contacting us if you wish to use This Recording in your classroom or club setting. We have given several talks at local Rotarys that we feel went really well.

Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in almie rose (26)

Friday
Feb122010

In Which We Learn From Experience

Ways To Say No Thank You Sir

by ALMIE ROSE

It’s no secret that I like older men. But I’m not going to be receptive to just any older guy. I can swing Bobby Kennedy, not Bobcat Goldthwait. I’m talking to you, creepy man at Barnes & Noble in Union Square who thought he was impressing me by telling me he was friends with some guy in the new Doors.

September 1984The new Doors? Really? If you look old enough to be my dad and you’re going to hit on me, then there really needs to be something to back it up. A few days ago a friend of mine and I were at a party where we were bombarded by an older guy who pulled all the stops, from bragging about his model ex-wife to gushing over his kids, saying that having children was “like having beautiful dogs.” He got points for candor and even more for creativity, but that’s all he got.

Here are some great lines to use when creepy older men invade your space. Because sometimes saying, “No thanks, I have to go” isn’t fun enough.

“Where were you when the Berlin Wall came down?”

“I guess John Mayer is the Leonard Cohen of my time.”

“Where were you when Kennedy was shot?”

“Gosh I graduated college so long ago. I still used a Razr! The iPhone hadn’t come out yet.”

“Where were you when that famous moon thing happened?”

“I can’t imagine not living with the Internet. How did you do it? How did you get anywhere without Google Maps?”

“You look familiar, are you friends with my mom on Facebook?”

“Were you around to see Gone with the Wind in theaters? That must have been so cool!”

“I never really got into Nirvana, they were a little before my time.”

“Was Ulysses S. Grant as badass as he seems in the history books?”

“I remember when I found out John Lennon died. I was so sad. Of course by then he had already been dead for, like, a really long time, but it still hurt, you know?”

“Maybe I’m weird but I just love older music, like U2. It’s just so different than anything that’s around today.”

“What was Ra the Sun God like?”

“That’s so awesome that you text, I had to teach my dad and I still don’t think he gets it.”

“Wow, you have a teenaged son? That’s so cool! I’m not even old enough to have a ten year old!”

“I love old movies, like Pretty Woman.”

“I can’t believe Green Day is still around.”

“What’s a Jeff Beck?”

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. You can find her blog here, and she twitters here.

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"Red River" - Rocky Votolato (mp3)

"Eyes Like Static" - Rocky Votolato (mp3)

"Where We Started" - Rocky Votolato (mp3)

 

Friday
Jan222010

In Which It's Like They Know I Don't Smoke

Pretend to Wave

by ALMIE ROSE

So we’re at that place we always go to, and by always, I mean something like five times a year. But every time we’re here it feels like we’re always here. Maybe because nothing about this hipster lounge/bar/art space/salon/I don’t know what in Culver City never changes. The crowd is always disappointing. The women are always far more attractive than the men, the most attractive men are outside smoking, and they’re always with the more attractive women anyways. But we keep going here.

We realize that life could be far worse.

So we go here and I always order a dirty martini and she never does and we talk about our lives. And it’s always about the same people. Her boyfriend, Briar, did this but he didn’t do that and maybe he’ll do this but if he doesn’t it’s not really a huge deal unless he does the other thing. I tell her about the guy I’m seeing, Eric, unless it’s Roger, the other guy I’m seeing. Sometimes there are men in between those two guys but it always comes back to those two.

We always see people we recognize but they don’t recognize us. Sometimes people recognize us and we don’t recognize them. I realize that when you’re young, white, and dressed like an Urban Outfitters store window, people seem to blur together. “I think that boy standing over there, the one who kind of looks like Danny Masterson—

“Who’s Danny Masterson?”

“I think he’s a DJ.”

“Oh.”

“Or no, I think he’s an actor.”

“OK.”

“He might be both.”

“Oh. OK. Yeah I think I know who he is.”

“I think that guy over there who kind of looks like Danny Masterson is the first boy I ever kissed.”

“Really? What’s his name?”

“I can’t remember, but we just friended each other on facebook. I don’t think that’s him though; he looks a lot thinner in person than in his facebook photo.”

“When did you kiss him?”

“5th grade. For some inexplicable reason, or maybe it was just that kids are assholes, in 5th grade everyone decided to hate me. So during one recess, tucked away in the back corner of the volleyball courts, I played Truth Or Dare with them, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to fit it, and they dared him to kiss me and everyone shrieked. Like who would want to kiss me? Like I was some horrible melting Nazi at the end of the Indiana Jones movie.”

“Kids are so mean.”

“I know. So he goes into kiss me, but he misses, and he kisses my hair. So the kids ask, did he kiss you? And I said, well, no. And so then they go, SHE WANTS HIM TO KISS HER AGAIN!! And you know now I look like I have a huge crush on this asshole. I didn’t really care. So he goes in for a kiss, and this time it landed, and that was my first kiss.”

“Wow.”

“He looks like a dandy. Look at his glasses. Do you think he even needs glasses? And those pants. Who died and made him Jarvis Cocker?”

“And look at his girlfriend. Straight out of an Urban Outfitters catalog. Flowered dress, oxford shoes…”

“Oh God I know, and that quirky little braid thing around her head, like Fraulein Maria or something. Jesus I hate the way people dress. I’m not even going to say hi to him.”

So we sit there and we tell each other how awful or poorly dressed everyone is and how sorry we feel for ourselves and then we decide to go to the patio for a smoke because that’s usually where the more interesting people are. We don’t smoke but I have a cigarette anyway and when I go to light it with a match everyone stares at me. It’s like they know I don’t smoke. This freaks us out and we’re ready to leave.

Before we can get out of there we have to do the awkward “Nice Guy” shuffle. This is where a “nice guy” or, guy who is not your type at all but is too polite for you to be mean to, tries to get to know more about you when you just really want to leave. One step two step red fish blue fish and we’re out the door and it’s only 11:00 because LA is an early city.

We can’t drink too much because we have to drive everywhere but we decide to stop at one more bar/lounge/clusterfuck hybrid because we feel lame for ending our evening so early. Our friend Abe boasts about some place on Fairfax or something that is so hard to get into you need to personally know the doorman, which he does. We find a place to park, which would only be a miracle if this were a Friday or Saturday night, but it’s not, it’s some odd Tuesday, so we’re not bowing down to anybody yet. There’s a line or a grouping or something happening in front of the place so we awkwardly stand there. That small grace period that you get when you arrive to a place like this where there may or may not be a line and you have to check that out has passed, so now we’re just standing there, practically tourists, two hot seconds away from taking out our cell phones so we can look like we’re calling people for a confirmation of, yes this is the right place or, yes we’ll wait for you, imaginary person, it’s going to be OK.

“You ladies want to come in?” asks the doorman. Is this a trick question? We answer yes. He asks to see our IDs. “You looked confused,” he says. Great. Now even the doorman, of some yuppie place we don’t even care to go to, can feel our inner torment. I try to offer an explanation but it trails off. I half expect to see a tumbleweed bounce by and when it doesn’t, we giggle and he opens the door for us, and we go in.

It’s packed inside and loud and getting to the bar looks like an uncomfortable scenario for just about everybody. “This is the place where you need to know the doorman?” we ask, grateful for our chance to mock Abe. “And for what?” There’s a theme going on somewhere in here but it seems confined only to the sweaty guys behind the bar in Errol Flynn mustaches.

“Let’s go,” she says.

“But we can’t,” I say. “We had that whole awkward thing with the doorman.”

“Oh, that’s right,” she says. When Larry David gave us Curb Your Enthusiasm did he ever think it would strike such a chord with two 22 year old girls? We understand it so well, the potential for awkward social interaction at every turn. I wish facebook was around when Seinfeld was on the air. Think of the episode possibilities. George trying to facebook Marisa Tomei. Elaine accidentally posting something personal as a note instead of as a private message to the guy she was seeing. Kramer starting a facebook group that turns into a real religion. And Jerry would probably be all about facebook etiquette: You just don't stay facebook buddies with your ex's friends! It's bad form! Come on!"

So we decide to stay a little longer, to appease the doorman, who is outside, and does not know or care what we are doing in here. Neither of us wants to drink as we have to drive but we look over the menu anyway to kill time. That was fun.

“Let’s pretend to wave to someone we know across the room.”

“OK.”

“Hey, Dave,” I shout, waving my arm, “Dave, over here!”

“Hey Dave!”

“Listen, Dave, are you going to Eric’s later? ERIC’S! What?”

“He’s so confused.”

“I know, right? That’s so Dave. OK DAVE, WE’LL TALK TO YOU LATER. CALL US.”

I make the “Call me” hand motion and feel like James Spader in a 90s movie. We decide to hang out for 10 more minutes and then we’re gone. We want the doorman to think we’re cool. That we could come in, but not for too long, because we have other places to be.

I went home.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She blogs here.

"Beauty" - The Shivers (mp3)

"The Ghetto" - The Shivers (mp3)

"Roses" - The Shivers (mp3)

Thursday
Jan142010

In Which We Enjoy Cocktail Hour At Disney

Disney's 10 Hottest Guys

by ALMIE ROSE

10. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

What? Sure, Hook’s chin is a little out of proportion with the rest of his crazy face, but I go for those Venice looking hipsters, of which Hook fits the bill: skinny bod, weird facial hair, funny hat. And those stockings? To die for. Plus Peter Pan was such a dick. Did that ten year old seriously have nothing better to do than antagonize a middle aged man with reptile issues? Asshole.

from here

9. PRINCE PHILLIP (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Prince Phillip really didn’t have much of a personality and he’s easily confused with Prince Charming, but he has a nice pompadour thing going on, looks great in red, and slain a fucking dragon so you have to give the guy some credit. He also didn’t balk when he saw Princess Aurora geeking out in the woods singing to a bunch of animals so that earns him props too.

8. THOMAS (THE NERDY GUY FROM POCAHONTAS VOICED BY CHRISTIAN BALE)

Captain “Sugar Tits” John Smith is too blonde and too Mel Gibson to ever be attractive but Thomas with his quiet, humble demeanor and sensitive poet persona is the guy for me. I’m not sure what you couldn’t fucking understand about this one.

7. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

He’s like Captain Hook without the hook, which is great because who really wants to deal with that hook? Jafar was cool because he had that snake staff and that gave him this Adam Ant edge. Just the whole flair for dress was very New Romantics. And his speech: so slow, so deliberate, so smooth. Yes, master!

6. PRINCE NAVEEN (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

I haven’t even seen this film yet but this guy looks pretty sexy.

5. ROGER (ONE HUNDRED AND ONE DALMATIANS)

Roger had a good job and a great sense of style. He was a songwriter, he had nice hair, and I’d get tangled in his leash any time. I can never, ever say no to a man in sweater vests.

4. ALADDIN (ALADDIN)

Did you know that the inspiration for Aladdin was Tom Cruise, pre-crazy? Thankfully, Aladdin is a lot less manic but I was always a little uncomfortable by his lack of shirt. I get that he’s poor, but he really can’t cover his chest? It was all very confusing to me. Having him voiced by D.J. Tanner’s adorable boyfriend didn’t help matters either.  I’d let him “One Jump” me.

3. BERT (MARY POPPINS)

Again, that tall, skinny physique really does it for me. And I do love a man with an accent, even if it’s a horrible mangled Bob’s Your Uncle hack job. Bert really knew how to let loose but you could tell that even though he was poor, he would never let the woman pay. Plus, he was a musician. That’s always sexy. I’d chim chimeny chim his cheree any time.

2. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

He’s kind of a meathead in that he loves beer, hates to read, is especially good at expectorating, likes to kill stuff, and uses antlers in all of his decorating, but you can’t deny the guy’s ability to pull off a ponytail and leggings. Gaston had a sensitive side too; he was crushed when Belle, resident bookworm, didn’t want his swell cleffed-chin all to her own. “Dismissed, rejected, publicity humiliated,” he moans, “I’m a disgrace.” But how could he forget about his biceps to spare? And Gaston, unlike the beast, was never violent with her. Let’s just face it: Gaston is the best and the rest is the drips.

1. PRINCE ERIC (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

This blue-eyed bitch paved the way for Jon Hamm and James Franco. Prince Eric was caring, respectful, and handsome. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of a cartoon version of this guy I’ve been crushing on, but I think Prince Eric is the hottest Disney guy of all time. Of all time. Just don’t read the Prince Eric/Ariel rape fan fiction that’s out there. I wish I could pull the memory out of my brain and lock it in a seashell.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She blogs here.

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"The Circle of Life" - Elton John (mp3)

"Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" - Elton John (mp3)

"I Just Can't Wait" - Elton John (mp3)


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