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Entries in dick cheney (114)


In Which We Put You All On Trial For Your Thronesing

You Will Have Been Thronesed


If there's one aspect of life at which I never fail, even for a moment, it is determining whether or not a thing is racist. (Everything is sexist, so it requires little discernment in order to detect this offense.) In response to vicious allegations about a lack of characters of color on Game of Thrones, show creator David Benioff has fought back. "Let's put an African gentleman in a bath with some Caucasian whores!" he cackled to his writing team. They nodded and took his comment as permission to include the word whores in at least ten more lines of dialogue in this episode.

A pirate who visits prostitutes? What will they think of next? This fantastic world contains such wonders!
The main thrust of things last night was the trial of Tyrion Lannister. No matter how many lavish trials I see depicted, they never get any stupider. Why there was an audience present no one will know, other than it served as a convenient excuse for Tyrion to lecture everyone on how good he was with those fire barrels. You saved the city one time, buddy, was it really a justification for murder?

He's really overdressed for summer in King's Landing IMO

Moreover, was it really Joffrey's fault that Robert Baratheon was an abusive drunk and rapist? Did he ask to be born a child of incest? Did he have any choice but to kill that ginger girl's direwolf? What exactly did Joffrey do that was so bad? Did he incessantly ask rhetorical questions that made little to no sense? I submit that he did not. OK, he tortured a few women. If that was a crime, Vladimir Putin wouldn't be the president of Russia, and I would never have tried my first cappuccino.

The Braavosi live at Hogwarts, I believe this bit of trivia was established in "The Hedge Knight"

My hatred for Stannis Baratheon and his illiterate, complainy friend is well-known in these parts. I even wrote a fan fiction in which Stannis Baratheon has the voice of the parents on Peanuts; it was extremely biting and savage in a very subtle way. Stannis has to have his now semi-literate pal speak for him because Melisandre was only contracted for three episodes this season. She demands her own trailer on set and stays in character during meal times.

JK, but the thing is, I never really understood the idea of making Stannis Baratheon such a major character in Thrones. I'm not sure what he really brings to the table, other than a very understanding wife. I guess eventually his body will just get taken over by the Red God, kind of like Octodad: Dadliest Catch.

obama was lyke, "I have this random idea for a statue of myself talking to the Danish prime minister. You guys like it?"

Our first real look at the Braavosi indicates they are a group of very logical gingers. They trim their beards with porcelain knives, and they find Emma Watson grating at best. Every other Friday they take a day sail to Westeros in order to sample some of the local cuisine and make cutting comments to illiterate people about how their bank "has the most money" and other banks "might as well be across the Narrow Sea." Frankly, it's a bit overbearing after awhile, in a discernibly anti-Semitic way.

I seriously will never complain about those handsome bearded braavos, though, because anything that takes attention away from the most boring family in existence, the Greyjoys, is a fucking joy to me.

wow, what a council. Frank Underwood would make ground meat out of these buffoons.

The Theon Greyjoy storyline is so utterly stupid. Every single scene boils down to one inescapable fact: Theon no longer has a penis. I don't see what the big deal is there Reek. Neither does Timothy Geithner, and yet he was able to pen a bestselling book.

Moreover, the subject of the very next scene was how Lord Varys is also a eunuch. If it wasn't for the spicy accent of Prince Martell livening up the proceedings, I swear to God I would have played Hearthstone during this entire turgid sequence. It used to be semi-cool, you know, how Varys had all these children spies and how he was like the only logical one, but now that he has turned on Tyrion, I have no use for the bald fucker.

is this one of the roles they recast? I can't even tell anymore, every bearded guy looks the samesies.

Tyrion's lecture about the Battle of Blackwater was extremely illogical. It came entirely from emotion, reminding me that the little guy is such an ESFJ, just like other great individuals: Desmond Tutu, the Pope (no), and Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks fame. Normally able to keep his cool, Tyrion contorted his face into a sphincter of anguish. Peter Dinklage rehearsed this one in the mirror eleventy times.

He was actually fine with everything until they turned his GF against him. That's why people's wives can't testify against their husbands. There would just be too many long lectures by the accused. The point of getting married is that there is only one person in the world who can really get to you, besides like Ellen DeGeneres. She can get to anyone.

"The Station Agent" was a wonderful film, you bastards!

In one sense, Tyrion had a right to be angry. He did in general attempt to be moral and logical in his dealings as the Hand of the King. But in the end, he had only one job, and he did it. Whoop-de-doo. Excellence doesn't come in a day, it arrives over a lifetime. Twyin Lannister has done a thousand jobs. He engineered a revolution, he kept an insane boy king on the throne against a massive invading army, and he let his two hottest children have sex. This is a magical list of accomplishments when you really put it all together.

Why do I feel if Shae had combed Sansa Stark's gorgeous hair a lot more fervently none of this negative shit ever would have happened?

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find last week's GoT recapitulation here.

"Never Been Alive" - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

"Another Is Waiting" - The Avett Brothers (mp3)


In Which We Won't Order Anyone To Go With You

Died for the Watch


That feeling: when it's been too long since you have had a Thrones-ing. Watching King Tommen fawn over a cat named Sir Pounce doesn't quite fill the hole inside me.

God how I hate you, Sir Pounce. You are mangy, your politics are mostly likely left-liberal, and I suspect you of making secret, inappropriate jokes about the amputee in the King's Guard. Sir Pounce your bon mots are no match for my bon blogs.

Sir Pounce, you rascal. Get off the bed. Cats aren't allowed on the bed, Sir Pounce.
You know who is a fantastic eunuch? That Grey Worm.

But let me get back to Tommen. This little persnickety tween is no king. Joffrey was a man. He once shot an arrow in the boar that killed his father. Sure, it was a pouty arrow, but come on - he shot an arrow. He didn't lavish his attentions on a cat and a woman who closely resembles the Joker.

Cut scars in the side of your face. Do it. Tommen'll love it.

Having to listen to Littlefinger pleasing Lady Arryn was disturbing at best, treasonous at worst. Overhearing anyone have sex can be downright unpleasant for all parties concerned, but at least you know it's not King Tommen by himself in his chambers calling out for his pathetic cat in the night.

Frankly, I have a lot of respect for Lysa Arryn. It must have been really hard to watch people constantly making moves on your ginger sister when you know that (1) you had better goods, (2) you were better at squeezing people's hands really hard and (3) Catelyn Stark pouted a lot, probably too much.

A romance for the ages. Jamie et Bronn forever.

To take away the pain, it is important to find refuge in simple friendship. Sure, Jaime probably went too far with his actions in previous episodes, causing The Onion A/V Club to run that oh-so-regrettable headline "Rape of Thrones", but a lot of crazy shit happened around Joffrey's corpse. That was no one's fault, understand? Indicate that you heard me.

only reasonable soundtrack for this is Animal Collective. You know I'm right.

I find joy in the wondrous, odd-couple journey of Tyrion's squire and that tall woman. The two are absolutely adorable together. Why couldn't they have taken Sir Pounce with them, ideally sacrificing the beast to the White Walkers? I loathe you, Sir Pounce. Even a frozen, zombie version of you would not be kewl. I want to travel back in time and have Joffrey send an arrow into you. The only acceptable spirit animal for a King of Westeros is a wolf, unless HBO springs for CGI that week. Then it's a dragon.  

Let's free all slaves...for a week!

Lynne informed me recently that I am godfather to a child named Arya. At first I laughed, but then I grew serious. I wondered aloud why you would honor a child by naming her after a woman whose greatest achievements involve acting way too young for her age, having a hot friend named Hot Pie, and wandering across the King's Road for a solid three seasons. No wonder that scarred fellow is always so upset with her, does she even have an M.F.A.?

At least have breakfast the morning after. Not that big a deal.

Now that all my hatred of yore directed towards Bran Stark is now focused lagely on the king's cat and Anna Wintour, I can get behind the emotional journey of the young paraplegic. Deprived of both mother and father, stranded in a cold land, imprisoned by a guy doing a weird impression of a sadistic Lee Evans, I can finally sympathize with Brandon Stark based solelyon the fact that we both recently lost a lot of strength in our legs.

Fuck you, Sir Pounce. Also, must Jojen Reed spend half his waning hours meaningfully nodding to his friends and family. Use your words, marshling.

One way to make characters memorable is by giving them a distinguishing feature like a tattoo, burn or hysterectomy.

You know who was a fantastic eunuch? All of the eunuchs.

Next time on Game of Thrones promises the exciting conclusion to the trial of Tyrion Lannister. I hope he calls every single one of the dwarves at Joffrey's wedding to testify on his behalf. You can say a lot of things, but you can't say those little buggers didn't do a fantastic job representing the death of the Mad King and Robert Baratheon's victorious rebellion.

Um yeah that's not symbolic or phallic at all? Enjoy your trip with Ser Podrick. (It's not a test.)

Miss you Joffrey. I keep missing everybody. Ned. Myrcella. Craster. Renly. Roose Bolton's bff. Lord Mormont. Everyone. Sansa, because she's in the Eyrie. I even miss Littlefinger sometimes, usually when I'm wondering how big his dick is. I miss that Walder Frey guy. What was he all about? I miss the whore that Tyrion used to try to appease, even when she was being super-weird. I miss Nymeria and Lyanna Stark. But most of all, more than anything, I miss The Sopranos.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. 

"Gunshot (acoustic)" - Lykke Li (mp3)

"No Rest For The Wicked" - Lykke Li (mp3)


In Which Nothing Can Ever Tell You How Bad Noah Is

God Wants You To Cease Filmmaking


dir. Darren Aronofsky
A billion minutes

It feels like an eternity waiting for the only sex scene in Darren Aronofsky's Noah. It takes about ninety minutes into this mess for that to happen. In an instinctual move brought on by the realization that Anthony Hopkins has restored her ovaries, Emma Watson instructs her bf (Douglas Booth) to throw her a high hard one in the area every thinking person calls a hermione. He complies, and we wait for this transcendent moment humanity was denied for too long. Instead Aronofsky cuts away. An entire family sitting next to me whispered, "Goddamnit."

Emma clearly fired her hairstylist for calling her Granger too often, because this is completely unacceptable.

Noah (Russell Crowe) has been instructed by some vague dreams that the world is about to end. He goes to see his "grandfather" who drugs his son and later hits on his wife. Methusaleh (Anthony Hopkins) is the devil in disguise - for Christ's sake he is Lecter - and for good reason. He is the only performer in this utter disaster with the least bit of acting ability.

actually there was a kind of frosty sexual tension between RC and Ray Winstone, but it was never fully explored. Sequel? Jk.

Lynne wanted to see Noah because she loves when two animals, two animals of the same species, are brought together in close quarters. I asked, hadn't she had enough of that?

He can't stop thinking about how weird her ears are. He will never stop thinking about how weird her ears are.

Noah's wife Naameh (a completely insane Jennifer Connelly), reprising her entire performance from the weirdly cold blooded roles she is forced by her agent to play, has had enough of this proximity to another person. So far, all her marriage to Noah has brought her is two mediocre sons and a tent in the desert. He never fucks her, not even on her birthday.

Connelly's Naameh has one completely bizarre scene where tears run down her face and around her mouth, making her look like some depraved ex-wife shown up at Noah's doorstep. You start to wonder why Noah is even in a relash, given that he never looks directly at Naameh the entire movie. When they finally reconcile later he resorts to a bro hug because he doesn't want his mouth to touch her gross tears.

this is the mother of all retouched photos. Actually she looks like the wicked witch of the west tbh
It is hard to know who to blame for this disaster. I could joke and say it was on God for making Aronofsky in the first place, but that would probably be a premature assumption. All of the director's screenwriting efforts have been complete fuck-ups, and in Noah, he even loses the visual éclat that brought him to prominence in the first place.

the people who cut down trees in Avatar were evil, here they are heroes. Missin u always James Cameron

Instead of feeling like a surplus of excess, the visuals of Noah are highly dated. At times the CGI looks unprofessional, and the characteristic bestiary is never even viewed in its entirety. The animals have no personality, even as themselves. We never see them up close, just as a indeterminate mass. No one care for them. Lynne could only conclude that the makers of the production held some bias against any type of creature at all.

The ark itself is a massive disappointment, looking more like a sloppy 2x4 than a construct befitting the God who commissioned it. The only thing that would have made it worse is Frank Gehry.

at least have them kiss with tongue. It's not too much to ask.

No scene in Noah is more than ninety seconds, lest we realize the complete clichéd absurdity of what is being communicated or said, or see how little there is to this entire thing. Aronofsky has never been the slightest bit skilled at subtlety the individuals in his films rarely turn out to be anything other than what they are. As Ila, Watson herself never provides any kind of Eve-ian sexuality; in fact there are few roles in cinema she would seem more ill-suited for, given her mincing, sexy mouse-like appeal and flaccid Englishness.

For some reason Aronofsky figured it would be better to have everyone doing poor English accents, while allowing Crowe to just talk as he normally does, and Connelly to keep her own American whine. Noah is a linguist's nightmare, and it's also a completely racist festival that includes only whites. No one is even tan, though many are dirty.

"Guys, there is this really mean blog post about our movie. Let's build another ark."

What is most missing from this piece of shit is wonder. The world ending and a boat floating across its flooded ruins is supposed to be at least partly enjoyable, the way that falling from a great height suggests a thrill we will remember for the rest of our life, no matter how much longer it may go on. There is no wonder to the animals or the places the ark goes, no delight even at finally reaching land we suddenly cut to the entire group on a beach, without even seeing the discovery. At that moment, I felt like Tom Hanks when he found out Captain Phillips was utter bullshit extremely upset and disappointed with myself for even witnessing this debacle.

I mean, I feel so fucking embarrassed for this shit (below). Emma has like five scenes in the movie, and 90 percent of her lines consist of telling someone her belly hurts:

God will have his revenge on those responsible for these lies.

I mean yes, The Fountain was completely embarrassing and stupid, but it was just some revolting made up story, it didn't have actual things like drama and exciting moments that you expect from the story of Noah. At the very least Noah could have made a compass or done something besides send a really tired seagull out to find land for him. Deprived of all the things humans do in order to survive difficult situations, Crowe's Noah just growls a lot and tries to kill his grandchildren. It would be laughable if it was not so completely dull and boring. Throw in a swordfight, or cast Antonio Banderas as Jennifer Connelly's latin lover. Anything but this.


Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

"Don't look at the metacritic Jennifer. You won't like what you see."

"Lonely Child" - Christina Perri (mp3)

"Sea of Lovers" - Christina Perri (mp3)