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Entries in dick cheney (94)

Tuesday
Aug062013

In Which The Important Thing Is To Get In The Dome

Dome Touching

by DICK CHENEY

Under the Dome
creator Brian K. Vaughan

People are constantly touching one another Under the Dome. Last week, a bearded blonde veteran named Barbie (Mike Vogel) was for some reason walking all alone one night as it was pouring. Even then, an intrepid ginger reporter (Rachel Lefevre) accused of copyright infringement by the Japanese executives who own the rights to the April O'Neal character finds him in the rain. She tells him, "Waah I had a hard day Bahbie" so that he will do the thing where he embraces her then makes a quick transition to putting his tongue in her mouth.

they look like two pelicans but I was moved by their romance to be sure

In the morning they are in her bed.

She gives him a variety of looks there, each of which I have broken into discrete parts. (Examining the range of post-coital facial expressions was my thesis at the U of W.)

1. Mild disgust
2. Approbation
3. Sunlight in her ginger eyes
4. Total comfort and acceptance

wiping the last barbecue sauce in chester's mill off his lover's face

5. Where are you going?
6. You're leaving?
7. Just for water?
8. Starting to have some regrets?
9. Pretty happy to be interrupted by my pregnant neighbor, huh?
10. Will I see you at home?

every morning in the Bezos home
Meanwhile, men feel a very different set of emotions after sex. They can run the gamut depending on exactly how gentile the man in question is, a 1 being David Paymer and a 10 being Kevin Costner. Here is what I outlined in 1973, and it is no less true today than it was the day I woke up my wife Lynne with breakfast in bed, you know, just because...

1. Where am I and who did this to me?
2. These sheets are redolent of lavender.
3. I wonder if Alex Rodriguez addressed the media.
4. One day we will all need performance enhancing drugs.

Crest. Colgate. Sensodyne. Tom's of Maine.

5. My penis feels like a tube of toothpaste.
6. When did I romance a ginger newspaperwoman?
7. Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post. I hope he fires E.J. Dionne first, and meanly.
8. She probably thinks I want to get out of here, because the rest of the Dome is so fun. Instead I'm going to assuage those doubts with my Crest.
9. I wonder if later in the episode we will lie on the couch saying absolutely nothing to each other.

curling up and listening to "Silent Night" UTD, it does not get any better
10. Yep.

please god not Richard Bachmann
Fortunately romance in Under the Dome is not confined to women and the men who killed their husbands. Norrie (Mackenzie Lintz) and Joe (Colin Ford) went searching for the exact middle of the Dome, and when they got there, they found this year's hatch from Lost. But no, it was like a small dome this time, and underneath it was a black egg. When Norrie touched it, she saw Samantha Mathis in the woods, possibly the most disappointing thing to ever happen when someone touched the Dome, and that includes a fatal heart attack.

An egg is controlling the dome. Think about this.

The main thing that bothered me about Under the Dome was the ongoing storyline where psychotic ex-boyfriend Junior (Alexander Koch) locked Annie (Britt Robertson) up in his Dad's fallout shelter.

He told Angie that it was because she had changed and the Dome was doing something to her and he wanted to keep her safe, but that entire time I suspected otherwise. Every single episode I watched I was consumed by the desire to know when Angie would free herself from this underground prison until finally Junior's father decided to let her go, assuming everyone would be dead after the U.S. military leveled a missile strike on the Dome. (Everyone survived except for common sense.) When Angie finally made it home last night, her brother did not even ask where she was or what she had been doing since the Dome fell.

crossing my fingers this parcel becomes the UTD WalMart

Under the Dome is kind of like watching a car accident in slow motion. You know it's going to be bad, so you have to know just how bad. It actually shocks me that Stephen King was never involved with Lost in the first place; he is the master of setting up some overblown mystery until it turns out, "That was just an earthquake doing it," or "Something evil made that happen." I believe the antagonist in one of King's recent books was actually a copy of The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. Children ran away in fear because it was on their summer reading list.

Do you ever feel like a black man, maybe a close friend who HAPPENS to be a black man, is narrating your life? No?

I don't want to make this all about how much Stephen King sucks, but let's face it. The Green Mile was about a magical black man who heals white prison guards by touching them. The Shawshank Redemption was about a magical black man who heals white prison inmates through superior voiceover work. Besides former Boston Red Sox closer Tom Gordon, these are the only black characters in all of Stephen King's work. Don't get me started on The Stand, it's so fucking stupid my head hurts just thinking about it. The distinguishing feature of Stephen King's work is that he never stops to think if an idea is good, he just believes in it because he had it.

WALT

Since Under the Dome has been renewed for a second season, it's guaranteed to be dragged out much longer than it should. The show deserves praise for killing off Samantha Mathis, although in an ideal world she would have been vivisected by some kind of alien blade. Instead she died of a heart attack roughly the same time that her daughter touched the small dome and asked the egg to speak to her. Unfortunately since a number of characters/helicopter pilots on Lost have already perished, this just increases the screen time given to the black DJ of Chester's Mill and the Asian radio station operator. I hate token minority characters even more than I hate The Newsroom.

Jeff Bezos will want someone inside the dome. That's when I strike.
To get your news Under the Dome you have to find the right frequency. In the future, all newspapers will be owned by white billionaires as vanity projects; they won't even have advertising; they will simply be a public service provided by the very rich to the very poor. I can't even imagine what people from low socioeconomic backgrounds think when they read The New York Times.

I forgot about the black female lesbian Hollywood agent stranded in a New England town. So many stories to tell. Through six episodes, she's had one line that wasn't, "ALICE!"
This could, however, be the saving grace of the media. Instead of having to drive pageviews by offering stupid shit like, "The Top Ten Things He Thinks After Sex", maybe they'll actually do some reporting on, you know, the government or private sector instead of writing long editorials about sports teams and Amanda Bynes. When you wake up Under the Dome, there is no newspaper. When you turn on the radio, all you hear is a DJ playing Nina Simone and Nat King Cole. There is no Jeff Bezos Under the Dome. There is no Tina Brown Under the Dome. There is only the corpse of Ezra Klein and sex without birth control.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. You can find his first Under the Dome review here.

"Crazy for You" - Madonna (mp3)

"Lucky Star" - Madonna (mp3)

Monday
Jul152013

In Which There Is A Relaxing Feeling Under The Dome

we were told there would be no subtle touches of reassurance under the dome

Hurtful References to Domes

by DICK CHENEY

Under the Dome
creators Brian K. Vaughan & Stephen King

Do you know what hurts the most? 

oh no the pilot from lost isn't here to take charge what will we do WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO BIG JIM

Lost. Do you know what hurts the second most? Puns on bald men. Under the Dome joined an uneasy fraternity of titles like Powder and Baldlands. There is a bald man in Under the Dome, Big Jim (Dean Norris) and he is the second most evil man there is. (The first most evil is his son.)

king has 3,000 bad experiences with women so we get this?

When the only slightly porous dome slices through the town of Chester's Mill, the bald man's son abducts a woman and stores her in his fallout shelter. This is the Hatch of Under the Dome, and if it doesn't interest you, would you be more into a redhead-type reporter?

what is she going to post these pictures to, a bulletin board?Print ended for this woman a long time before the Dome made her husband disappear. I was so hoping that her husband would be played by Matthew Fox that I smashed a jar of vaseline I was holding in my left hand; I was holding it for reasons.

Suddenly cut off from the internet, people start going legit crazy in 48 or so hours. People made a lot of racist and misogynistic comments they planned to post on messageboards, but instead they sat around in a diner and said them to one another. Many perished.

Still, things are maybe calmer than they should be because none of the residents of Chester's Mill heard about the Trayvon verdict. In the opening episode a pilot from Lost who plays the police chief (um this is a clue right?) has his pacemaker explode. As a friend wrote to say, "This whole show was made for us to realize Lost sucked right?" Yes.

Lost did not have Samantha Mathis or ridiculous eyewear, so there was that

Then again, there was something to be said for a show that ensured that every black father-son combination will be called Michael and Walt. I still don't get what the deal with Walt was supposed to be, was he in the closet or something? Or was he in heaven the whole time? His power sucked.

There are three black people in the Dome, and a solid 33.3% percent of those individuals are DJs. Let that sink in. Now realize that Samantha Mathis is 63 years old. It's like quicksand, isn't it?

guys, just so you know, this is making us all friends forever

Watching Under the Dome is a kind of death, because although the bald man is very good, and his bald reverend friend is also not bad (as an actor), that's the extent of the casting prowess exhibited here. It is unfortunate that the rest of the cast simply cannot act at all. For some dramas, it's best to choose relative unknowns, but for a show like this that demands... so little of everyone? Oh forget it, I guess they wanted to make it like a B movie, established as Abrams' favorite genre.

try doing this in the window of a bank, always fun

Instead of adapting mediocre Stephen King diarrhea, I don't understand why Brian K. Vaughan wouldn't just do Y: The Last Man. About 50 percent of all scenes in Under the Dome involve someone putting his or her hands on the surface of the dome itself and observing some familiar quality of it. These two kids just go around the dome looking for weak points, it's like don't be naive Domers. Then, another person nearby says, "STOP TOUCHING THE DOME." (The subtext that you should not stroke a bald man's head intimately is completely unappreciated.)

Behind it all is the sneaking suspicion that Lost was just a series of Los Angeles apartments and forty minute long beach scenes. I feel like I was let down somewhat by the promotional material for Under the Dome. There was talk of a dog being on the outside of a dome and wanting to get in, but I have seen no such motivation from canines so far.

there are no small children in the town of Chester's Mill for some reason, this poster was a lieIf you are caught in a dome, it is far more likely than your dog will tell you to go fuck yourself and become the dog of someone who was having lunch at Denny's when the dome fell. Such a lazy portrait of small town America is only possible from someone who lives in a fortress in the middle of Maine. Have you ever seen Stephen King's house? It looks like a bad tattoo, or, alternately, the place where you would go to manslaughter a teenager. (This is now legal in our country.)

logically it might be best to burn down the home of whoever wrote "The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon"

We really don't need to redistribute wealth in this country, we simply need to redistribute Stephen King's wealth. Everyone else at least did something to deserve it. (Pseudonyms are mere cowardice.) Since I'm not lazy enough to look up the book version of this trash and discover that the Regulators were responsible for this dome all along, and since it will probably just be re-explained later on in a Richard Bachmann novel serialized for supermarket shelves, I will have to wait to see if that poor girl can escape from her underground prison, and who made the Dome. If you do you just start missing everybody.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

"The Last In A Long Line" - The Leisure Society (mp3)

"The Sober Scent of Paper" - The Leisure Society (mp3)

Wednesday
Jun192013

In Which Our Father Is Ashamed Of Our Abilities

Pretend Time

by DICK CHENEY

Man of Steel
dir. Zack Snyder
over a thousand minutes

So I watched Superman the other day. It was a complete and total disaster. He drinks beer and watches football. Lois Lane is constantly saying, and this is verbatim, "Where are the toner cartridges?" (She can't operate a printer because she's a woman is the subtext there.) I guess they were trying to humanize him, although considering there's a 40 minute prologue based on Krypton, you would think at some point they would realize he's an alien.

In another scene (there are many scenes, Man of Steel is over six hours long, did you think Watchmen was long? Man of Steel makes Watchmen look like Un Chien Andalou) Lois Lane goes to her editor. She tells him she has an unbelievable scoop about this guy who healed her wound in the Arctic. Her editor is like, "Nah." She's like, "I quit," but he says she's under contract so she takes it to a rival blog. The blog is a loose parody of Talking Points Memo or maybe I Guess I'm Floating, not entirely sure? The blogger wears nerd glasses, because you see, he works on the internet. The actor playing the blogger is probably Jon Snow.

"you agree this looks like complete shit, right?" "yep"

In this prologue, Russell Crowe plays Superman's father. His mother is so gross they mostly focus on Russell. There's a governmental coup that is turned back, but that's beside the point since the planet is dying anyway. Russell has some bad blood with one of the actors from Boardwalk Empire, I think the guy who played Nucky Thompson or maybe the guy from The Wire who portrayed the gay drug dealer so tenderly? The Wire was a great show, a much better show than Man of Steel.

an inauspicious beginning for the career of young Dylan Sprayberry

In another scene (I think this came after the scene where Clark Kent first learned of interracial dating) some bullies came up on Clark. (This is all in flashback, because.) He's reading Plato. What the fuck would Superman read Plato for? Can you honestly think of anything less relevant to a man not of this world than the work of Plato?

But back to Lois Lane. They had a perfectly good Lois Lane right there, playing Tiffany Superman, Superman's mother. Her last name was even also Lane:

hopefully the subplot about her having unprotected sex with antonio banderas will appear on the blu-rayWhy Clark Kent couldn't have been interested in Murphy Brown, I'll never know. This was a casting fuck-up of major proportions. An older Lois Lane also would have made it easier to kill her off eventually  she could just die of old age and marriage wouldn't really be an option.

she reminds me of a human-sized grasshopper wearing an ugly wig

I don't want to say all these things in my head about Amy Adams. You already know how I feel about Isla Fisher, I'm pretty sure you can just apply that broadly to Amy Adams. Here's the thing  with Isla Fisher if I was maybe locked in a room with her, I'd grow to appreciate her personality. With Amy Adams, I know that's not going to happen, because all she cares about is toner cartridges. I would have accepted Teri Hatcher in this role, even if she now looks like your fingers do after you soak in the bath for an hour.

someone actually thought to themselves, "you know, this face should be seen by one or two other people"

Doing the Superman story in flashback is so fucking dumb, I don't even need to explain, do I? The only fun part of Superman is when he casually uses his abilities when no one knows about him. I was praying I did not have to watch the inane scene in the bar where the guys come up to the Terminator. Did you know James Cameron gets royalties every time this occurs in any fiction, even if you have a dream about it in the privacy of your own home?

"lois, your bangs are completely ludicrous and your reporting is substandard at best."

The actor who plays young Superman is also terrible, he looks gentile. The whole point of Superman is that he was Jewish, you can at least read wikipedia before making a movie about a super man. There's this super hokey scene where Clark saves a bunch of his classmates from a drowning on a school bus. They couldn't think of anything better than that and they were prescreening The Sweet Hereafter because they wanted to be reminded of what an actual creative project feels and sounds like.

you know he's in the media because he doesn't take care of his body and he can't dress himself

There is one black character in Man of Steel, J. Jonah Jameson. You didn't realize he was black? Do you even know how dumb it is for Superman to care about football, even if he was just pretending to have the same interests as his erectly dysfunctional human father? Even the score of this movie is like beyond saving, it's so bad.

"son, start dressing like riffraff. no one will pay the slightest bit of attention to you then."

I guess the scene in Man of Steel that probably bothered me the most is when Clark's really concerned human father, Jon Bo Superman (Kevin Costner), tells him that it is best he hide his abilities from the world. "Can't I just keep pretending to be your son?" is what Clark says in response. "You are my son," Jon Bo tells him, which is a lie. But worse, he doesn't even bestow the slightest praise on the teen for saving a bus full of his neighbor's friends. He doesn't care about them any more than he cares about Clark.

Superman is supposed to make us feel selfish for wanting to be all powerful, and wanting no one else to share in our new abilities. For if they did, then we would not be so unique and different from the rest of the middling, maddening crowds. But who would even desire to be this person? His girlfriend looks like she got picked up at a 7-11, his alien and human families aren't all that welcoming to him and he's a Raiders fan. To use a superhero as wish-fulfillment, he should probably have something we want.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. He last wrote in these pages about Arrested Development

"Seven Hours With a Backseat Driver" - Gotye (mp3)

"Thanks for Your Time" - Gotye (mp3)