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Entries in dick cheney (90)

Monday
Jun032013

In Which We Show Them How It Feels To Lose What They Love

Guys That's My Wife

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. If Bran can take the form of any human being, why not embody his enemies? The answer is that to think like those who wish us harm is an ugly business. It's bad enough to just be Bran, I mean he sent his brother into the wilderness under the watchful eye of some crazy ex-wilding. I got the exact same feeling watching Rickon walk away as when my best friend in college married a Jehovah's Witness. Every time I open the door, I think it's going to be him.

"guys settle down. I'm trying to possess melisandre's vibrator. especially you hodor, shut your mouth."

But onto the good news. Not spoiling the Red Wedding for my wife Lynne was tremendously hard; I kept giving her weird clues like if we were in the grocery store or at the dry cleaner, I'd slyly pull up my sleeve and I'd be wearing mail underneath. The satisfaction when she finally got this joke after tonight's episode was worth the chafing feeling on my thighs. There is no armor that does not weigh you down.

who wears mail to a slaughter anyway?

Enough circling. Watching Bran's mother get put down was crazy great. I mean, I could go on for hours listing all the things Catelyn Stark has done wrong. In fact:

1) She was kind of a dick to her husband, children, and Jon Snow.

b) That hairstyle dated back to the time of the old gods. Melisandre could have given her a perm; perhaps that would have been for the best.

14) She led Littlefinger on for like two decades

22) She made Stannis Baratheon's wife look like Barbie.

god the show will be so much better now, thank you George

31a) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her husband, she was all, "Oh, he'll be fiiiiiiine"

31b) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her Sansa, she was all, "Joffrey's a sweet boy"

31c) Instead of going to King's Landing to support her Arya, she was all, "New Hot Pie will protect her."

37) No eyeshadow

45) I once heard her make a dismissive remark about Barbra Streisand's nose that struck me as borderline anti-Semitic.

this is what you get for refusing to show when your daughter marries a little person

But really, Catelyn's worst crime was not her hair or her lack of military expertise or general uncleanliness. It was that she was always by her son's side, when she had children who needed her a lot more. Parents always play favorites, especially when some of their children are totally useless, like Bran. A daughter is always a lot less welcome than a son; GRRM's trenchant commentary on contemporary China is preferable to another speech by Tyrion about prostitutes, don't you think?

every direwolf dies. not every direwolf really lives, especially if you belong to bran. god i hate you bran.

As for Robb's direwolf, that was pretty sad guys. I sort of felt like Arya could have done something... I mean, she could have done a lot of things. She could have ensured Tywin Lannister never lived to deliver that order; in effect, she caused the death of her mother and her brother, and I respect her all the more for that.

Making a lot less sense was the overall behavior of Jon Snow. This was heartbreakingly weaselly stuff. One of the toughest men ever on the night's watch died so you could be where you were, guy. And instead of slaughtering some old dude who were mere moments away from being eaten whole by a white walker, you gave up the Ghost and started running ppl through with your sword? Ugh times one million.

chin up, as least you weren't on the receiving end of a womb-stabbing

I have an equal crit for Ygritte. Your plan was this, unkempt woman: commit the murder your boyfriend had promised to do, and thereby...save him? Do you even have the slightest idea of how easily infections are transmitted through a human bite? My wife is still convinced that is how Michael Douglas got cancer, since no woman in her right mind would allow him near her pelvis.

You've got to circle the Red Wedding. You can't come too close to it.

can't unsee

It's complete insanity to break up the dragon queen's story like this. She should have dedicated episodes, maybe just an ABC Family movie where Daario Naharis gets a paunch belly and won't do anything but watch Storage Wars and chew on beef jerky. The real problem with the dragon queen right now is that the beginning of her story is a lot more interesting than her rise to power and every time they actually use those CGI dragons it probably costs a fortune, so they don't. It's kinda strange when the show's production values suddenly drop from this:

to Jason and the Argonauts-type bad with Grey Worm, Daario and Sir Jorah Mormont on the most transparently ugly studio in the world. Poor Grey Worm; his queen is sounding more like Dr. Laura every day:

Signing off from the Red Wedding in total silence reminded me of something. I used to work with a certain person who always felt that less is more, that most meaningless of phrases. When you consider this pathetic expression more closely, anyone can think of nothing. We desire instead a rich world, and that is what Game of Thrones provides. Even a small pause of remembrance undermines its point these deaths, while shocking and incredibly graphic to those of us who do not spend our time writing Jon Snow-Daenerys Targaryen fanfiction ("I'm fascinated by your white privilege, Jon Snow" "My medium sized dragon ate your wolf Jon" etc) lack any real meaning. They are just something that happened to this one:

while she is on her way to get where she is going.

It is selfish but honest for those surrounding death to speak of its effect on them. They are only the victims. Robb Stark planned to assault Tywin Lannister's home, slaying his servants and his army. Knowing this, Tywin made sure he struck first. There was nothing more to it than that, no menace beyond those carried out by the Frey men who stood to benefit from this betrayal. Robb and his ferociously bad looking mother made a military mistake and nothing more.

What Game of Thrones does best, and why it is finer when it does not take itself seriously at all, is show us the irony of any celebration. Things are just not going to work out for any of these people in the way they hope. (The Hound knows this best eventually someone is just going to burn his face again.) It does drive us mad to be close to something wonderful, whether it be a particularly musical woman or a parent who we have not seen since a time in our childhood that appears impossibly distant in retrospect. It is equally as comic that we can never achieve our heart's desire as it is sad.

Next week on the Thrones season finale: Ned Stark returns as a white walker, Tyrion Lannister has a wet dream and impregnates his leather jerkin, Joffrey starts ignoring his bethrothed and focuses on playing Black Ops II full time, Melisandre gives birth to a spectral Mary Tyler Moore, Theon Greyjoy is tortured for a solid twenty minutes, Cersei goes on a tragic late night QVC ordering binge, Sansa Stark gets implants and Samwell Tarly finally shows off the depth of his wizardry by proving he is the only man in the seven kingdoms able to make it through A Dance with Dragons without falling asleep more than once.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. He would like to send his condolences to all living members of the Stark family, including Ted Stark, Red Stark, Don Stark, Mike Stark, Tiffany Stark and Bed Stark. Your cousin Ned should probably not have married that ginger woman. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

by conor campbell

"Passerby" - Allie Moss (mp3)

"Corner" - Allie Moss (mp3)

protected by a senior citizen and a supermodel, what could go wrong?

 

Monday
May202013

In Which We Turn Our Face To The Light

Half Lowborn

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. Watching an illiterate horse trader learn how to read, struggling over every word, reminds me of so many things, but mostly, it reminds me of Richard Nixon. He was the type of man who you could trust because he was exactly what he seemed. He wasn't elected president because of his charm. Still, he could surprise you with a remark, or a particular sign of warmth. You knew it was genuine because he was a complete dick the rest of the time.

Nixon had people like the Onion Knight, who counseled ethical behavior. He fired them, or made them feel unwanted. Our current president never had these people to begin with. The only advice he gets on a regular basis are answers to the question he poses again and again: "How can we use the murder of innocents for our own political gains?" Even innocents have enemies.

at least her small counsel can read

Relying on the counsel of yes men could get the Queen of Dragons in trouble. Ask Michael Jackson how things turn out when all you have is a group of admiring ninnies in your cause. You'll notice that there's not many shades of grey across the narrow sea. Every single person is 100 percent good or bad, and spends the entire day saying exactly what they mean. It is hard to find a liar in these Thrones, because with 242 characters, including over six Hot Pies, we'd never have time to distinguish the lie from the truth.

jeez New Hot Pie, it's a leech not a cobra

Oh new Hot Pie. You were forced to House Baratheon against your will. Melisandre throwing Genry the precursor to a hot bone was a nice gesture; I recall Henry Kissinger once doing the same thing for a boy he sacrificed to the devil. I do feel that there was a missed opportunity to not have Melisandre screaming, "New Hot Pie! New Hot Pie!" The reason rich men are usually the ones to lead us is because they're used to it.

you should really be bowing to the father of the realm there varys Joffrey's face during Sansa's wedding was absolute heaven. in politics we have something called facials, which is best described as the expressions you have in still photographs reproduced on Drudge. David Axelrod always looks like Goebbels, and in fact it turned out his administration targeted Jews in precisely the same way, which should come as no real surprise. The facials of the wedding party were just spectacular all around even though the event came off super rushed. I made over 3000 gifs and saved them to a flash drive that I labeled "not porn":

where was bronn during all this I don't know

The event thankfully went off without a hitch, an improvement on a wedding of a trusted colleague I attended last month where the only thing anybody could talk about was... You know what, I need to conserve all my wedding jokes for the Tully-Frey nuptials.

It made zero sense that none of Tyrion's friends were even at his wedding, but I guess I should be thankful that his valet wasn't quietly drawn off by Grandma Tyrell. 

I think I may have spotted her poker tell.

Everyone you know or love will let you down eventually. Watching Sansa tell Tyrion she would never want a hot bang reminded me it is time to make amends. I know I've been hard on Bran over these last months. But then, that's just when you start missing everybody. Bran is my little catcher in the rye; he will find a savage teenage love with his mossman, or at least that's what GRRM would do if he was actually interested in depicting real homosexual love instead of depriving repressed homosexuals of their affection for one another. Then again, Robb Stark was not in this episode.

margaery gets a psychopath, tyrion gets a wilting flower and cersei gets a gay. i don't think she can complain really

Cersei broke the bad news to her betrothed; that being that a life with her doesn't involve a whole lot of talking. She did not want to hear what Loras' father had to say, possibly because it was, "You know son, Lannisters can never be pleased sexually except by another Lannister." This she already knew. Somewhere, the joie de vivre of a state wedding was lost.

I could have done without that scene, as well as the pathetic interplay between whore and dwarf. Tyrion giving Shae a significant look when she took his post-matrimonial bedsheets away was so fucking hokey; I mean Jesus, throw Sansa a bone before Joffrey flays her skin in front of his fiancée and all their friends. Joffrey really needs to get Sans a back tattoo of his face with the caption "Killed Ur Dad."

"And just over that rise you will find an Arby's, little girl."

Having Arya be super bratty to the poor Hound really reduces my sympathy for her. Also, her thinking the Red Fork was Blackwater just reinforces the idea that women aren't capable of geography, a savage myth that ensured Hillary Clinton would never know how many countries border Uzbekistan. Reportedly Chris Christie did not run for president last year simply because he did not know his geography well enough, and also because he was worried it would come out during the campaign that he accidentally ate an endangered falcon.

If only frodo asked samwise to share his blankets as often as this poor creature does Samwell Tarly prevented himself from snapping at his impoverished friend when she criticized him for using the word "refer". He took the high ground and said, "It's just the way I talk," the exact same line David Karp uses whenever his mousy girlfriend asks him not to curse at her. Samwell made a critical discovery in the field of white walker killing; he is truly the David Ben Gurion of the Andals and the first men. In my mind I have named the blonde refugee woman's baby Bojangles.

For some unknown reason Game of Thrones eschews the traditional montage sequence which shows events occurring at the same time: for example, it is known canonically that at the very moment Jon Snow climbed an ice wall as he wept about not having a mommy, Hot Pie was slaving away over a tuna casserole, Theon Greyjoy was patiently examining the place his testicles used to be and Samwell Tarly was quietly thrashing himself as his lady friend slept before a fire. The proper music for such a montage was, of course, Green Day's "Good Riddance" or Weird Al Yankovic's forthcoming Riffraff parody.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find an archive of his reviews of Game of Thrones here.

just remember: almost every man who ever lived has died

"Why Am I The One? (acoustic)" - fun. (mp3)

"All Alone" - fun. (mp3)

Gary?

Monday
May132013

In Which A Bear Is Merely A Trifle To This One

What He Really Thinks Of Women

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. "We're very complicated, you know. Pleasing us takes practice." Finally the truth, what GRRM really thinks about women. They can't be pleased or sated. They spend all their time in the nude, writing letters to their mother. They can't defeat a simple bear with a wooden stake. A dwarf defeated an army with some moonshine, but the largest female soldier I've ever seen can't defeat the bear from The Hotel New Hampshire and the David Mamet movie where Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins fall in love after the black guy from Lost stabs himself in the leg in the most racist scene in modern cinema?

The Edge was not a satire, or maybe it was, I haven't read the court transcript from either David Mamet's first divorce or his future one. Men who say women are simple are as devastatingly stupid as men who say women are complicated. It's not a man's place to say anything reductive about a woman, unless that women is permitting Simon Cowell in her bed. Then there's just one word for her.

theon greyjoy's nightmare is king joffrey's most carnal dream I can speak for men, however. Our first view of the opposite sex is usually determinative. It was Halloween, and I saw a girl I liked dressed as a hobo. She had red hair, and her parents moved her to North Carolina before school started again the next year. I never did tell her how I felt about her, but I did mail her a picture of Theon Greyjoy's penis.

brb one sec gotta gchat with someone in House Martell, you don't know this person
This week's episode began with verifiable proof that Robb Stark had one of those. In an elaborate postcoital scene in which his wife faked over three orgasms, the boy king kept going on and on about how his wife should put some clothes on lest he "attack" her. I guess he was trying to be playful? Since he never actually copulated with her again, he sounded like Renly Baratheon fawning over a woman so he would not actually have to go through with the more difficult work of maintaining his arousal.

let's just snuggle here forever and talk antibiotics; penetration is for lannisters

It almost made me empathize a little with Robb's wife that his pale, wrinkled mother disapproves of her, but we all know what's coming so it is best to focus on the Stormborn when looking to approve of a very tan woman from across the narrow sea.

P.S. If this sea is so narrow why don't they go visit the naked woman's mom right now? Hannukah is coming.

these gold bars are filled with eyeshadow
Daenarys' idle threats to a slave culture that precedes her entire civilization remains entertaining. Still, it's not a role that offers her a lot of chances to do anything other than free slaves. Spartacus is a similarly boring character. If I was the slaver with this eye-shadow, I would have just knelt. Someone will have to explain to me the economy of Astapoor and the yellow city. Real clever George, the yellow city.

Mama Stormborn's skin was looking a bit mottled, but I guess she's been crossing CGI for days at least.

You were no Dwight Schrute

As this episode was written by GRRM himself (thanks for taking time from your strenuous schedule of caviar and writing long passages about the Greyjoys that no one could give two fucks about), it had more than its fair share of YKNJS. Ygritte was not so fantastic in this episode; possibly Jon Snow's grimacing "you'll die when you fight a bunch of guys wearing black" took her down to his level. I miss Craster. The only thing less believable than their ongoing honeymoon beyond the wall is the idea any lord would apologize to a woman he compensates for sex.

jesus, doesn't anyone sit down and have dinner anymore
In the books we can actually believe Tyrion might care about this Shae, but in the cold light of King's Landing (soon to be renamed Hot Pie's Landing) we can see quite clearly that this is the last conversation he wants to have with this woman. Reassuring someone that you love them constantly is never fun, since slowly but surely you stop believing your own words. I think Shae's expectations are also a little out of whack; he offers her a house and clothes and she's like, "But what about an inground pool?" Just move on little guy, if she won't even do something with her hair now, it's only going to get worse.

that is one splendid fucking jerkin there bronn five stars

As ever, Bronn is the finest man alive. Why GRRM is putting out a ball-achingly embarrassing collection of Tyrion's "finest" "quotes" while Bronn's solid advice is diminished in contrast, I don't know.

GET IT? ORSON WELLES DID IT ONCE SO WE HAVE TO DO IT IN EVERY MOVIE AND TELEVISION SHOW FROM NOW ON GUYS

What you have to respect about Tywin Lannister is that he has never even tried to please a woman since his wife died in childbirth. His tact with his grandson further revealed the depths of his political skill. The cliche of him having to tower over Joffrey on his Iron Throne was a little heavy- handed, but the Lannisters are so far and away the best characters and actors on the show that you sympathize so much more with them than you do in the books.

Bran was literally there yesterday

Jaime's transformation from incest participant into the lion with a heart of gold I guess was a slow process. His sudden authority over his own life is all the more shocking. It's fun to watch someone change, even if they did not hate the person they were before. Changing yourself is loving yourself, because you care enough about it to do better or be better.

Is it wrong that it bothered me than Bran and Jaime were on the exact same set? I guess he did take the little lord's legs. I hope you're eaten by the biggest dragon in Westeros Bran.

Genry, you will be very happy now. Hot Pie, you will not.

GRRM wants you to think we are watching men and women save each other, as they must. But really, his underlying belief is that no one can be saved, which is something of a nihilistic attitude. Many times he has told us that his wife will not allow Arya to die. This knowledge ruined his creation, just as all fan service inevitably corrupts the original inspiration. If no one can be saved, then neither can Arya. Treating her differently than Hot Pie is misguided at best, sexist at worst.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He deleted at least five inappropriate jokes about Catelyn Stark from the preceding. You can find an archive of his reviews of Game of Thrones here.

"Grind or Die" - Eve (mp3)

"Mama in the Kitchen"  - Eve ft. Snoop Dogg (mp3)