One Is Perfect Where Her Rival Fails
by DICK CHENEY
Thrones. There is nothing worse than watching something you became familiar with deteriorate at the slowest imaginable pace, so that it is almost undetectable to the human eye. It happened to Robb Stark with his ungrateful "mother" (I still doubt this, Ned Stark was a man of many mysteries), it happened to the respect Tyrion Lannister had for his bigoted father, it happened to me with George R.R. Martin and it is going to happen to this show.
Until then, we must absorb the tragically bad acting of Jon Snow with the kind of good grace I was known for when I decided to rid the Iraqi people of their savage dictator. I was planning to do the same thing for the people of North Korea, but in 2007 I got so caught up in my hatred of J.J. Abrams that things kind of went off the reservation there for a while.
Also, Star Trek: Into Darkness just looks so fucking bad, although I guess no worse than watching Tom Cruise hold an energy weapon like it's a ham sandwich. But yeah, Jon Snow's attempts at being nervous are about as believable as the idea of Littlefinger's whoremaster looking out for Sansa Stark. The Seven Kingdoms was a hard land, this sentimental shit does not fly.
But let me get back to Tyrion Lannister, since a little man is the only sort of man who can save us. The immortal team of Tyrion and his sellsword Bronn had potential to be the best since Laurel and Tom Hardy. It's really sad what happened to the guy during the Battle of Blackwater. I couldn't myself watch it, because viewing the triumph of the Lannisters is like witnessing John Kerry winning a debate.
Enough jokes at the expense of the man amazingly charged with our foreign relations. I would have put Ser Jorah Mormont at the head of everything. The guy is solid, and his love for Daenarys Targaryen is both a little upsetting and completely understandable. It's nice to see HBO was willing to spring for the money to have a nice-looking CG scorpion, but unfortunately they had to cancel Enlightened to pay for it. Then again, if I wanted to watch a television show about a liberal woman, I'd just tune into Charlie Rose.
Ser Barristan Selmy kind of gives me a weird feeling, much the same as is felt in the groin area by the reigning King of Westeros. Joffrey had to surreptitiously view Ms. Margaery Tyrell become popular with the people of King's Landing. He looked like my golden retriever when you leave her outside too long. It's no small feat to connect with orphans, they don't really have much in the way of hobbies outside of aimlessly searching for their birth parents.
And let's be honest, it's not really a trip to an orphanage unless you decide at the very last minute to adopt one. And it's not King's Landing unless that orphan somehow turns out to be Roger Targaryen, the new heir to the Iron Throne.
You know who kind of got the short shaft? Mance Rayder. This man was a fantastic singer in his time. I think we all remember classics like "Ned Stark's Annoying Grandpa Samuel", "The King Beyond the Wall...Is Me" and "The Time Robert Baratheon Fucked A Goat." Mance Rayder was a great man, remember that time he was like, "Don't be ashamed of yourselves wildlings. The King of Westeros also copulated with goats and in some cases, women."
As is obvious from these screenshots, Thrones is one of the best looking shows ever created. The sets are completely amazing, the costumes are sublime and Joffrey's tunic is maybe the most appropriate piece of clothing ever constructed for a fictional character. Sometimes the show actually makes a lot more sense with the sound off, especially when that illiterate sea captain starts whining about how much he hates his king's girlfriend. We get it, Jesus, she's not a nice woman. You don't have to keep saying it.
It would be impossible to end this Thronesing without mentioning the season finale of The Walking Dead, which I now think of as the show without dwarves. Sunday's sendoff featured the worst military strategy I have ever seen combined with the finest outfit ever placed on a woman. This was the onesie of all onesies.
Strangely only one long-term cast member could be written off the show — in true AMC fashion, it was the actress with the highest salary demands. The closing decision of the episode, in which all the castaways survivors retreated to the disgusting camp prison instead of the lovely community of the Barracks Woodbury, struck me as strangely ungenerous to everyone.
The moment in which the Governor, who now officially bores me because he is so one-note, turned on his own citizens struck me as a bit false and vapid. Even if we can accept that he has gone off the rails enough to slaughter his own supporters for questioning his leadership, the idea that no one would hold up a gun and shoot him down is impossible to put faith in. It's wrong to believe someone you never even tried to get to know is a coward.
It's always nice to see a man doing something for his son or daughter. Teaching your keedz about good and evil is not always easy — first inform them to always omit the last comma in a series, and then instruct the children that two spaces after a period is just an artifact from the typewriter era; it's one space after a period now, for Carl's sake. Then you can start showing them verses from the Bible, while including the helpful erratum "This is all made-up bullshit." After that you can start setting a good example for your children by not leaving a bunch of infirm seniors and women to die at Woodbury. Baby steps.
Dick Cheney is the seniorer contributorer to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. When you read his recordings it is preferred you elevate your pinkie finger slightly in the air towards another, as if in both approbation and warning.
"Dolce Francia" - Carla Bruni (mp3)
"Little French Song" - Carla Bruni (mp3)