You Will Have Been Thronesed
by DICK CHENEY
If there's one aspect of life at which I never fail, even for a moment, it is determining whether or not a thing is racist. (Everything is sexist, so it requires little discernment in order to detect this offense.) In response to vicious allegations about a lack of characters of color on Game of Thrones, show creator David Benioff has fought back. "Let's put an African gentleman in a bath with some Caucasian whores!" he cackled to his writing team. They nodded and took his comment as permission to include the word whores in at least ten more lines of dialogue in this episode.
The main thrust of things last night was the trial of Tyrion Lannister. No matter how many lavish trials I see depicted, they never get any stupider. Why there was an audience present no one will know, other than it served as a convenient excuse for Tyrion to lecture everyone on how good he was with those fire barrels. You saved the city one time, buddy, was it really a justification for murder?
Moreover, was it really Joffrey's fault that Robert Baratheon was an abusive drunk and rapist? Did he ask to be born a child of incest? Did he have any choice but to kill that ginger girl's direwolf? What exactly did Joffrey do that was so bad? Did he incessantly ask rhetorical questions that made little to no sense? I submit that he did not. OK, he tortured a few women. If that was a crime, Vladimir Putin wouldn't be the president of Russia, and I would never have tried my first cappuccino.
My hatred for Stannis Baratheon and his illiterate, complainy friend is well-known in these parts. I even wrote a fan fiction in which Stannis Baratheon has the voice of the parents on Peanuts; it was extremely biting and savage in a very subtle way. Stannis has to have his now semi-literate pal speak for him because Melisandre was only contracted for three episodes this season. She demands her own trailer on set and stays in character during meal times.
JK, but the thing is, I never really understood the idea of making Stannis Baratheon such a major character in Thrones. I'm not sure what he really brings to the table, other than a very understanding wife. I guess eventually his body will just get taken over by the Red God, kind of like Octodad: Dadliest Catch.
Our first real look at the Braavosi indicates they are a group of very logical gingers. They trim their beards with porcelain knives, and they find Emma Watson grating at best. Every other Friday they take a day sail to Westeros in order to sample some of the local cuisine and make cutting comments to illiterate people about how their bank "has the most money" and other banks "might as well be across the Narrow Sea." Frankly, it's a bit overbearing after awhile, in a discernibly anti-Semitic way.
I seriously will never complain about those handsome bearded braavos, though, because anything that takes attention away from the most boring family in existence, the Greyjoys, is a fucking joy to me.
The Theon Greyjoy storyline is so utterly stupid. Every single scene boils down to one inescapable fact: Theon no longer has a penis. I don't see what the big deal is there Reek. Neither does Timothy Geithner, and yet he was able to pen a bestselling book.
Moreover, the subject of the very next scene was how Lord Varys is also a eunuch. If it wasn't for the spicy accent of Prince Martell livening up the proceedings, I swear to God I would have played Hearthstone during this entire turgid sequence. It used to be semi-cool, you know, how Varys had all these children spies and how he was like the only logical one, but now that he has turned on Tyrion, I have no use for the bald fucker.
Tyrion's lecture about the Battle of Blackwater was extremely illogical. It came entirely from emotion, reminding me that the little guy is such an ESFJ, just like other great individuals: Desmond Tutu, the Pope (no), and Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks fame. Normally able to keep his cool, Tyrion contorted his face into a sphincter of anguish. Peter Dinklage rehearsed this one in the mirror eleventy times.
He was actually fine with everything until they turned his GF against him. That's why people's wives can't testify against their husbands. There would just be too many long lectures by the accused. The point of getting married is that there is only one person in the world who can really get to you, besides like Ellen DeGeneres. She can get to anyone.
In one sense, Tyrion had a right to be angry. He did in general attempt to be moral and logical in his dealings as the Hand of the King. But in the end, he had only one job, and he did it. Whoop-de-doo. Excellence doesn't come in a day, it arrives over a lifetime. Twyin Lannister has done a thousand jobs. He engineered a revolution, he kept an insane boy king on the throne against a massive invading army, and he let his two hottest children have sex. This is a magical list of accomplishments when you really put it all together.
Why do I feel if Shae had combed Sansa Stark's gorgeous hair a lot more fervently none of this negative shit ever would have happened?
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find last week's GoT recapitulation here.
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