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Entries in dick cheney (147)


In Which Allegory Is The Only Proper Form Of Argument

Poldark Times


creator Debbie Horsfield

What remains of National Review magazine after William F. Buckley expired and left the reins to a bunch of cranky weirdos who loathe homosexuals presented a symposium this week. The topic was the Supreme Court's legalization of gay marriage. None of their regular writers were included in the symposium — besides opinion pieces by presidential candidate Ted Cruz and columnist Kevin Williamson, no one wrote at length on the decision. "The Editors" did weigh in, explaining that it was super unfair that gays could marry... for reasons.

It is hard to think of a good argument against gay marriage; most of the "people" in National Review's symposium cited polygamy as the motivating factor in their advocacy against it.

The slippery slope extends far further than that. I was forced by my wife Lynne to watch a BBC series called Poldark in which a man marries his servant. I am unsure whether or not this is historically accurate — I know the Downton Abbey sex tape girl made it with her driver, but I thought that was a bit of a grey area. It isn't as if he was cleaning her toilet, after all.

To be fair, she was a fantastic maid.

I composed an elaborate Modest Proposal parody concerning how no one should be allowed to marry their servant, but I replaced it with the impassioned broadside that follows. You can thank me later.

The title character of Ross Poldark (Aiden Turner) fucks his maid exactly once, although on another very symbolic occasion she baked him an apple pie. After an intense night that the producers of Poldark show alarmingly little of, the ginger maid Demelza (Eleanor Tomlimson) resolves to wander away from the Poldark estate, which looks something like a penis:

After you lose a war to Americans, you build homes like this as emotional shelter I guess.

I recently received a few scandalous electronic mails suggesting that I am obsessed with seeing penises where they are not. One even threatened that if I expressed regret at never seeing the Mountain's member one more time he would traitorously start reading the wretched Game of Thrones recaps on some other website. I wrote him back, saying, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" and included a gif of Catelyn Stark being murdered.

In some ways Poldark is basically a Cateyln Stark prequel, which should horrify every thinking person.

You can't help but see penises on Poldark, even if they are not veiny or fleshy. The main character lives in a penis, and he has a scar running from his left eye to his jaw that looks like a long, stringy phallus. Turner's acting is a little overdone, and his main quality is an overwhelming handsomeness. He works very hard nonetheless, and he does take his shirt off an awful lot to make up for the lack of visible genitals. Instead of bidding farewell to Demelza, Ross Poldark decides to make her his wife.

The only thing missing from Poldark is any individual of color, and any homosexual. Downton Abbey got us used to expecting extensive gay storylines full of unrequited love and sexually transmitted diseases in our British period dramas. Poldark has none of that — the National Review crowd can enjoy it as good Christians enjoy the Bible and, apparently, denying citizens equal protection under the law.

None of these people can marry.

One article I read from a guy named Rod Dreher was particularly pernicious, and deserves special mention. Christians don't like being called hateful, he explained, without explaining why he does not want gays to be able to commit to one another for life. Given the decision, he went on to say, it is now Christians who are the righteous minority. He seemed to take a certain disturbed pleasure in this. Naturally he finished his column with the most inane sentence in all of op-ed dom: We live in interesting times.

The wedding was sold to US Weekly for six million shillings.

After Poldark marries his servant, he immediately puts a bun in her oven. She and the baby get sick from an illness that is going around Poldark's copper mine. It is never cleared up why he can't get a more honest occupation, like that of columnist for the Dallas Morning News, with which to provide for his family. Instead he subjects the working class of his region to his penis manor, his slighter-higher but still pretty low wages, and the diseases of the copper underground, the one he inherited from his now-deceased father.

Digging in the earth himself is beneath his own dignity. As a veteran of the American War of Independence, he is finished doing the dirty work, even if it is his own dirty work. Instead his child is the one who suffers, perishing from the contagion. This is irony, only semi-tragic and not humorous. Gay marriage should have been a tremendous victory for conservatives who championed the importance of the family unit as the standard grouping of civilization. Instead they made a mess of things.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. His conscience is massive at this point, and expanding every day. He grows larger in our appreciation of him. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

"Sitting On My Dream" - Friska Viljor (mp3)

"Painted Myself In Gold" - Friska Viljor (mp3)


In Which Aromatherapy Is The Only Thing That Keeps Kaitlyn Going

Nick's Bracelets


Now that the men and women of Game of Thrones have gone back into their caves to debate who is dead and who is not, my Sundays are completely free to catch up on The Bachelorette. Last night Kaitlyn straight up slept with this guy named Nick in Dublin under the principle of, if I have sex with someone overseas, did it really happen?

He takes most of his romantic lines from Grey

It did end up happening. Kaitlyn is primarily known for being humorous, which is odd because she never tells jokes, really. She laughs a lot and dances when music is on, which when I think about it doesn't make her different from any other human being. She has a tattoo of a bird on her arm, a rather unsightly marking. As she explains the ink, it reminds her that wherever she is, she has a way home.

Kaitlyn makes her actual home somewhere in Arizona, not far from the devilish lair of one George R. R. Martin. Not a single person got laid this season on Game of Thrones except for the Queen of Dragons. Kaitlyn is considerably less threatening. This week her men held a fake funeral for her in Dublin. She lay in the casket giggling as they pronounced limericks about her untimely passing.

This was actually a cute idea in theory. In practice one guy started crying as he remembered his mom's funeral.

It was all a bit macabre, especially with host Chris Harrison whining like a baby about how Kaitlyn was "the worst corpse ever." To spice things up, Nick's main competition got really drunk. Shawn Booth is a personal trainer from Windsor Locks who appears to have muscles above his eyebrows. He got sauced on PBR and moved the party immediately to Kaitlyn's hotel room, where she had previously fucked Nick.

getting drunk and confronting the bachelorette is pretty much heaven for any personal trainer.

Here he told her about his feelings. I don't doubt that young men have feelings; I just don't understand whey they can't repress them, expressing their emotions in open critiques of the new True Detective only. "Rachel McAdams' haircut is the shits" and "I think this is exploiting sexual violence as a replacement for dramatic seriousness."

That's a lot of bracelets, but then against Nick is part Navajo.

Disturbingly, Shawn was expressing his innermost emotions on the same couch where Nick stroked Kaitylin's leg and murmured such malapropisms as, "I want to know every part of you," and "I can't get enough of you." Nick, a software sales executive from Wisconsin, wears a set of bracelets everywhere that he goes. Each indicates an aspect of his interior self.

A man should hold a woman's face during kisses and at all other times.

As Nick and Kaitlyn engaged in their various intimacies, GRRM had the idea of crosscutting their sex with a deep conversation between Shawn and Jared about how much they trusted her. While ostensibly a sexist move, the producers of The Bachelorette softened this attack on their heroine by showing soft images of birds and bees mating. A fountain exploded into the Dublin night to represent Nick and Kaitlyn's simultaneous orgasm.

The only other alternative was to film Nick's cock up close.

The amount of woman-shaming going on by the producers of The Bachelorette is, naturally, in poor taste. Of course Kaitlyn fucked Nick — which of us would not do the same? He has bracelets, bracelets, and when he leans over, he puts his hand against his own head to indicate how fucking casual and sexy and fun this all is. Considering the rest of the candidates for Kaitlyn's affections look like they got out of a clown car, this means a hell of a lot.

The irony is that Nick is the same man who, at the end of the last season of The Bachelorette, asked Andi, why did she have sex with him if she did not care for him to choose himself instead of Josh Murray? No one has ingratiated himself so quickly and shallowly among such stiff competition. Nick deserves to know why these women want him if they do not really want him. The answer is that he smells like cinnamon and Brut.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location.

Everything in one shot. Damn the cinematography on this show is top notch.

"Black Heart" - Carly Rae Jepsen (mp3)


In Which The Game Of Thrones Finale Murders Everyone We Despise

Final Thronesings


Game of Thrones
creators D.B. Weiss and David Benioff

I try, on occasion, to imagine the kind of person for whom the events of Game of Thrones are deeply personal. I found myself crying the other day during a hot rewatch of a Ronald Reagan speech. He looked so handsome, vibrant and alive that it was hard to believe he was dead less than a decade later.

This is like the Breakfast Club without testicles.

Death comes quicker than we can imagine. I find it entertaining mostly, what a great mystery we make out of death. When I was a kid I had an uncle with an inoperable tumor on his spine. He became very ill with the measles at the same time, and one illness offset the malignant properties of the other. He lived five more years after that.

"Somehow, I have lasted this long," Tyrion says of his surprising survival. That was the first part of the Game of Thrones season finale. The rest was rather oblique references to the man named Jesus of Nazareth. As she pranced to the Red Keep, it seemed quite likely that death was going to come to Cersei Lannister. Death is only meaningful on this show when is it unlikely.

laying the biblical imagery on hard. A Mel Gibson cameo would have made my hands clammy.

As excessively silly as Cersei's walk of shame was, I could have watched this endless sequence all night if I didn't have to hear any more whining from Dany. She knows her dragon doesn't understand English, right? Try Valyerian, anything except crying about how ungrateful she is that the poor thing saved her life. I don't understand how the dragons are going to take back Westeros when they couldn't defeat a few unorganized enemies.

"Do you like my dress? Do you want to go to Chili's? Are you even listening?"

No one really cared that Shireen died except her mother. The girl was always bragging to illiterate people about her natural talent for reading. Myrcella is about the same story. She was dumb enough to kiss a Sand Snake; she did not deserve to live. It's more fun to see dead people brought to life, although the coming resurrection of Kit Harington annoys me to my core.

This was the least sly assassination in history. I hope you get gout.

If I was going to bring someone back from the dead, it would make more sense to accomplish the feat on someone in their prime of life, as opposed to Catelyn Stark, who looked like Kathy Griffin's corpse.

Surviving is generally assumed to be easier than dying and coming back to lfie, but it feels like our dwarf did both. "I missed you," Tyrion says to his friend Varys. You just end up missing everybody. I would bring back Barry Goldwater and the guy in Blind Melon.

I'm sensing they just didn't want to pay Varys for the full season.

There is a good reason we cannot speak to the dead, and that is because we might end up trusting them more than the living.

My wife Lynne told me she thought that the Thrones finale was very sad, actually. When Ned Stark died, she cheered because he was such a casual prick. When his wife went down at the Red Wedding, she did not feel a thing. But even I have to admit: it's a very sad thing for the people left behind, like Jaime and Samwell, to be all alone in the world like orphans.

They really need to use more R&B on this show. "Whatta Man" would have been perfect for this moment.

Arya's first straight-up murder was also a bit depressing. It's nice that she has her revenge and everything, but it felt a bit cruel. I mean, all that fellow did was whip a few girls and kill her fencing master. Every fencing master knows he is pretty much taking his life in his hands when he takes up the profession.

It was very sad to see Jon go, even if we know it isn't really for good. It would have been better writing if we had seen the Watch's point of view: unfortunately, it only seemed like Jon had no choice and they were a bunch of racist pricks. I would be lying if I said a part of me wasn't relieved to end Mr. Snow's practice of talking in that stupid, borish accent about how hard it was to be a bastard.

Stand tall, Stannis. You did absolutely nothing at all wrong.

Things felt eventful last night, but nothing really shocked me or Lynne. Stannis seemed doomed from the moment he left for Winterfell; him reclaiming the North was a narrative cul-de-sac. What excites us even more than random deaths of minor supporting characters would be someone showing a little gumption and intelligence. This person would need to come up with a plan for changing the world.

The masterminds didn't really show up last night. Tyrion was begging to go on a search and rescue mission, Samwell was like, "Jon Boy, I want to be a maester!", Littlefinger was nowhere to be found and Melisandre's face looked like that of her horse. Killing off heroes and heroines demands new ones be found to replace them. I really hope it's not Theon Greyjoy.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Shipboard Cook" - Third Eye Blind (mp3)

"All the Souls" - Third Eye Blind (mp3)