In Which Our Timing Was All Wrong

Bran I Don't Care About Your Warg Dreams

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. The moment someone starts telling you their dream you can assume it's all gone wrong. In Bran's juvenile dream he sees his mother, which is one of the more pathetic things about Bran. You just know inside Bran there's a voice saying, "I'm special, aren't I?" It doesn't help to sleep on a featherbed, you're still going to dream of a three-eyed crow and Jaime Lannister breaking your legs. If someone got me a featherbed I would just thank them.

you know you're having a warg dream when the anti-semitic three-eyed crow pops in for a how are you
This episode felt so empty, it felt like they were just riding on the solid wave of not having Catherine Stark on the show whining about how she's a bad mother. It's just unrealistic: have you ever once heard a rich woman admit to being a bad mother? It's never happened once to Dina Lohan and that means it's not going to happen at all. God I hate you Bran.

crowds of people just milling about on the off chance Margaery shows up

We did have to have another person recall the death of Ned Stark ("And Ned Stark died HO HO HO"), I mean Christ get over it, he died years ago now. There's a few things that repeat often enough on Thrones to become tiresome. For example, saying the name of the person in the next scene at the end of the current scene so the plebes can keep track of the characters. This only works when people know or care who Theon Greyjoy is.

Trying to make the house mottoes happen is even lamer, I mean just run it on a crawl: "...CNN is reporting the words of Riverrun are 'suck on a squegee'..." "Winter is coming" makes no fucking sense, it's certainly not coming when you're in it and according to the temperature it already came. Please stop saying this.

this woman is a hero and a thinspiration

You have to put your tragedies squarely behind you. At least Arya has totally forgotten her dad's death, she's still crying about some dude named Micah. Look, your white dog did attack Joffrey, and for that honestly it deserved to die. This is how it was meant to happen. If Joffrey had been killed, we would not be experiencing the absolute heaven that is his pending nuptials with Margaery Tyrell. Cersei's face during this was absolutely priceless.

emmy for best look of mingled hope & utter desperation
You'll notice GRRM routinely kills off or maims his gay characters; I believe the guy who wrote Nip/Tuck has a similar problem. Renly is long gone (killed by a shadow/ manifestation of his secret life), the sorcerer that cut off Vary's parts is alive but near death, Hot Pie is fat and alone, and Loras is getting absolutely shit on by Grandma Tyrell and possibly forced to marry a ginger.

"wait a second here Marge, YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS?!??!"
Then again, reports are out that Daenerys has been fingerbanging her translator. I mean what is the point of having a translator when you can speak a bunch of languages you presumably learned sometime before your brother sold you into slavery. I really don't buy that she speaks Valyrian, I've never seen a Rosetta Stone course for that.

what command of the language my queen

Slavery is the least controversial of issues; for that reason, making someone an enemy of it is the basest assault on their calling we can imagine. It says nothing of us that we are willing to be merciful; it is the least we should be.

It is the way of civilization to offer a respite, a corrective to anarchy. Justice is a fiction invented by the revengeancist, it reflects the weakness of a mind that has no motivation within it, like the castrated spymaster of King's Landing, Varys. He too speaks from a moral view that says he is the victim whose sacrifice brought about a god, and once you have seen something immortal, it is very easy to imagine you cannot die as well.

talking bad about your menfolk is the new giving sansa stark lemon cakes smh

I think I just lapsed into Varys-speak for a second there. Varys received a special UPS delivery. He had to wait the entire weekend to get it and it was just sitting at the edge of the narrow sea all that time, so frustrating. I think there were like 60 adverbs in the scene between Varys and Grandma Tyrell. Would I be totally shocked if Grandma Tyrell and Craster were portrayed by the same actor, no I would not.

was I the only one expecting a talking testicle named Samwise?

Imprisoning the sorcerer who burned your testicles seems only fair, but if you really want to punish him, let Joffrey become his friend. Good god, that boy is like this one girl I dated in high school who always made a point of telling me everything she knew about butterflies/The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"only I can imprison you kingslayer"
It was actually poor timing to make amputation the centerpiece of Jaime Lannister's existence. Plus they made him seem so sad about it. I get that it was the sword hand, but having your already mutilated hand sworded off by Roose Bolton is a pretty minor inconvenience. It's not like he has to attract a woman; he is already in a pretty major LTR with his sister. Once on a safari the locals honored me by giving me a necklace with a lion cub on it. Not only was I impressed, but it made me feel safer.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.

In Which We Enter The Mind Of A Cheetah

I'd marry the dog

Shut Your Mouth Bran

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. Making a character seem real is a lot different than making him or her compelling. There are only so many character archetypes, so many personality traits that can believably inhabit one person in one world. That's why writers fall back on clichés, both because they do the work of telling us about themselves on their own, and because some are infallibly true to life, like the megalomaniacal, power-hungry bald man. Here are all the archetypes in Thrones so far:

• the impatient, juvenile boy king
• the inspiring disabled person
• the sociopathic moneylender
• the innocent token bride
• the black guy who died first
• actually there's only one black guy and he's a sailor
• why can't they cast Malcolm Jamal-Warner, he could have been a solid sellsword
• Sir Jorah Mormont should have been played by Tyler Perry
• You know nothing Jon Snow

it's not a first date if there's no crossbow fondling involvedSome of the show can't live up to the complexity of the books, but King Joffrey is far improved from the source literature. Telling your moms, "This is one of the most boring conversations I have ever had," is risky in the best of circumstances. I believe Chelsea Clinton's face looks as it does because she tendered a similar remark to her own progenitor. You really shouldn't mess with Cersei, even if you are her sweet incest baby. She has more balls in her balls than most balls. (She has no balls, she's just really cool and smart!)

"Sometimes I just feel like murdering some innocents my lord...do you ever perchance feel similarly?"

Joffrey's affection for Margaery Tyrell is puzzling at best. His own empathy always fails him, a central theme of this Thronesing. I always thought of the Tyrells as the Jews of the Seven Kingdoms, with Highgarden commanded by a secret matriarchy redolent of Golda Meir. I once saw a stage show about that woman's life; by the end I was thrashing myself so generously you would have thought I was Benjamin Netanyahu at a particularly erotic Hannukah celebration.

this is the most kowtowing anyone's done for a woman since BO complimented that attorney general

Tyrion's pathetically emotional scene with his whore girlfriend really went too far over the top. Maybe his dad was right, what kind of (little) person is willing to put someone he cares about in jeopardy just for a blow job? This weekend Lynne and I sat down to finally watch Hope Springs. There's a scene where Meryl Streep gives a teeth mark BJ to Tommy Lee Jones in a movie theater that was more believable than this. Yeah, some jaded prostitute is going to get really mad if a lion complimented Sansa Stark's looks. Not even teenagers act this silly.

Speaking of not acting his age...

bran fleeing like a coward...you have my permission to die bud

Bran seriously needs to grow up. I mean whining all the time to your servants has its appeal, don't get me wrong. The only thing less interesting than hearing about some little lord's fever dream is having to watch Theon Greyjoy do virtually anything. Bran, originally I thought your "brother" Jon Snow was the worst, primarily because he is not actually your brother (spoilers for things George has yet to write), but also because he's unable to play a spy and he got the fucking pox. Who does that?

I approached barbra streisand once in the same posture and it did not work out half as well

But no, it turns out Bran is the fucking worst. Bran, shut up about your dreams. Shut your stupid face about your dreams. Your mother bores me, your father's dead, your sister is in Israel, your other sister is so much better than you it hurts me to think about it, your other brother is in love with a do-gooder nurse, and I seriously hope you turn into a wolf and drown.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Imprisonment has done Jaime Lannister no favors whatsoever. His penis has shrunken from its all time high of seventeen inches, as when he copulated with his sister and produced a son in a lovely tunic with a passion for sadomaschism. His penis now claims a length of a mere thirteen inches, yet its girth has remained relatively unchanged since Robert Baratheon instructed him to slaughter the Mad King. The vicissitudes of penis reshaping and all of that.

Jaime's playful fight with Brienne of Tarth didn't give me as many halfsies as I was anticipating, but that was more due to the fact that it is completely immoral to swordfight an opponent whose hands are cuffed together. Still, I doubt that would hold back any decent swordsman. (The real life experience I rely on to make such judgments largely occurred at urinals in the greater Maryland area.) Jaime and Brienne actually make a cool team, but we need to get to the grudging respect aspect of their interplay more quickly. One note, however beautiful, becomes dull if it's played for too long.

off to deposit the one ring in the fires of mordor

Jojen and Meera Reed are among the best characters in the series. This is not because their dialogue is overwrought, clichéd bullshit about what fucking do-gooders they are. The swamp people were one of GRRM's finest inventions, possessing both the mystical and historical knowledge that other houses in the area lack while also being renowned for their loyalty and moral agility. Their knowledge of the events of Robert's Rebellion may prove crucial. Imagine me slowly sliding my eyeglasses up on my nose with one hand as I say this, and with the other making a gesture that indicates masturbation.

God I hate you Bran.

In the North, Jon Snow's acting has not gotten better the further south the wilding army has traveled. It's absolute hell when Jon and his girlfriend Samwell Tarly are separated. I mean would Tolkien have split up Frodo and his Sam? Of course not. I'd never thought the day would come when I would be praising Elijah Wood's acting. Then again, rest assured that's not going to happen. Is there any way Andrew Garfield can realize he was meant to be the real Jon Snow, or is he too busy covering Emma Stone's face with a paper bag? Do it, recast Jon Snow. It's not working out. His skeptical face is too retarded, there's only one worse actor in all of the Seven Kingdoms:

"my lady my lady my lady my lady glurg glurg glurg"

Robb Stark's problems are our problems, sort of. At least he didn't face tongue some pretentious nurse in the books. The Westerlings were a lovely people. Honestly, Robb Stark reminds me of the leaders who appeased Hitler (can't remember names, was Martin Luther involved?), or the bleeding hearts who think that it's important to be tough, but turn their nose up at the sight of the mildest violence in the name of their cause. Either sign up to be a king, or go home. Margaret Thatcher would have laughed in Catherine Stark's face. Too soon? Excuse me while I go collect my tears for her in a ceramic cup.

props to joffrey for holding onto that direwolf skin

My love for Arya knows no bounds. GRRM always tells the story of how his wife demanded he never kill the poor girl off, which I'm sure ensures her death in the series' final book, A Shit On Stannis. (I actually had to check whether or not Stannis was still alive in canon, that's how boring the guy is.) Hopefully one day, via an elaborate flashback sequence, we will meet the charming mother who sired a gay, a prissy adulterer and a hog-shaped excuse for a king. Children haven't gotten that disappointing since Phil found out his only son tortured a rabbit on Modern Family. (You don't need to google this, it hasn't happened yet.)

the beginning of a rewarding friendship

Despite the fact that my PSN name is arya43, I have to admit I have gotten a little sick of the brave androgynous fighter act. Watching the Hound betray her to the Brothers without Borders Without Banners or Doctors was difficult. I never respected those guys, or anyone who thinks they're trying to save the countryside. Like really, tons of poor people in America could eat if you just put oil wells off the California coast. I said this to a guy at a gas station the other day and he was absolutely flabbergasted. GRRM's obsession with keeping Arya a little girl is typical, but listen, they have to grow up some time. I was surprised as you when I read that Selena Gomez killed a guy when she was like, twelve.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. All of these things actually happened. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here, and his recapitulation of last week's episode here.

"The River" - Zero Absolu (mp3)

"The Olive Tree" - Zero Absolu (mp3)

In Which Mance Rayder Was A Fine Singer In His Time

One Is Perfect Where Her Rival Fails

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. There is nothing worse than watching something you became familiar with deteriorate at the slowest imaginable pace, so that it is almost undetectable to the human eye. It happened to Robb Stark with his ungrateful "mother" (I still doubt this, Ned Stark was a man of many mysteries), it happened to the respect Tyrion Lannister had for his bigoted father, it happened to me with George R.R. Martin and it is going to happen to this show.

hey actor who plays jon snow, you're the worst

Until then, we must absorb the tragically bad acting of Jon Snow with the kind of good grace I was known for when I decided to rid the Iraqi people of their savage dictator. I was planning to do the same thing for the people of North Korea, but in 2007 I got so caught up in my hatred of J.J. Abrams that things kind of went off the reservation there for a while.

Also, Star Trek: Into Darkness just looks so fucking bad, although I guess no worse than watching Tom Cruise hold an energy weapon like it's a ham sandwich. But yeah, Jon Snow's attempts at being nervous are about as believable as the idea of Littlefinger's whoremaster looking out for Sansa Stark. The Seven Kingdoms was a hard land, this sentimental shit does not fly.

shit wasn't this real since that time Jaime told you the first woman you loved was a prostitute

But let me get back to Tyrion Lannister, since a little man is the only sort of man who can save us. The immortal team of Tyrion and his sellsword Bronn had potential to be the best since Laurel and Tom Hardy. It's really sad what happened to the guy during the Battle of Blackwater. I couldn't myself watch it, because viewing the triumph of the Lannisters is like witnessing John Kerry winning a debate.

why can't one of these things kill Catherine Stark, or at the very least maim her joyless face?

Enough jokes at the expense of the man amazingly charged with our foreign relations. I would have put Ser Jorah Mormont at the head of everything. The guy is solid, and his love for Daenarys Targaryen is both a little upsetting and completely understandable. It's nice to see HBO was willing to spring for the money to have a nice-looking CG scorpion, but unfortunately they had to cancel Enlightened to pay for it. Then again, if I wanted to watch a television show about a liberal woman, I'd just tune into Charlie Rose.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF HIRING EUNUCHS

Ser Barristan Selmy kind of gives me a weird feeling, much the same as is felt in the groin area by the reigning King of Westeros. Joffrey had to surreptitiously view Ms. Margaery Tyrell become popular with the people of King's Landing. He looked like my golden retriever when you leave her outside too long. It's no small feat to connect with orphans, they don't really have much in the way of hobbies outside of aimlessly searching for their birth parents.

"ladies, don't enter into arranged marriages with homosexuals. trust me on this."

And let's be honest, it's not really a trip to an orphanage unless you decide at the very last minute to adopt one. And it's not King's Landing unless that orphan somehow turns out to be Roger Targaryen, the new heir to the Iron Throne.

You know who kind of got the short shaft? Mance Rayder. This man was a fantastic singer in his time. I think we all remember classics like "Ned Stark's Annoying Grandpa Samuel", "The King Beyond the Wall...Is Me" and "The Time Robert Baratheon Fucked A Goat." Mance Rayder was a great man, remember that time he was like, "Don't be ashamed of yourselves wildlings. The King of Westeros also copulated with goats and in some cases, women."

Alan Rickman wasn't available???

As is obvious from these screenshots, Thrones is one of the best looking shows ever created. The sets are completely amazing, the costumes are sublime and Joffrey's tunic is maybe the most appropriate piece of clothing ever constructed for a fictional character. Sometimes the show actually makes a lot more sense with the sound off, especially when that illiterate sea captain starts whining about how much he hates his king's girlfriend. We get it, Jesus, she's not a nice woman. You don't have to keep saying it.

that's not being nice, cartman, that's wearing a nice sweater

It would be impossible to end this Thronesing without mentioning the season finale of The Walking Dead, which I now think of as the show without dwarves. Sunday's sendoff featured the worst military strategy I have ever seen combined with the finest outfit ever placed on a woman. This was the onesie of all onesies.

yo girl does that thing come in red?Strangely only one long-term cast member could be written off the show — in true AMC fashion, it was the actress with the highest salary demands. The closing decision of the episode, in which all the castaways survivors retreated to the disgusting camp prison instead of the lovely community of the Barracks Woodbury, struck me as strangely ungenerous to everyone.

The moment in which the Governor, who now officially bores me because he is so one-note, turned on his own citizens struck me as a bit false and vapid. Even if we can accept that he has gone off the rails enough to slaughter his own supporters for questioning his leadership, the idea that no one would hold up a gun and shoot him down is impossible to put faith in. It's wrong to believe someone you never even tried to get to know is a coward.

It's always nice to see a man doing something for his son or daughter. Teaching your keedz about good and evil is not always easy — first inform them to always omit the last comma in a series, and then instruct the children that two spaces after a period is just an artifact from the typewriter era; it's one space after a period now, for Carl's sake. Then you can start showing them verses from the Bible, while including the helpful erratum "This is all made-up bullshit." After that you can start setting a good example for your children by not leaving a bunch of infirm seniors and women to die at Woodbury. Baby steps.

Dick Cheney is the seniorer contributorer to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. When you read his recordings it is preferred you elevate your pinkie finger slightly in the air towards another, as if in both approbation and warning.

"Dolce Francia" - Carla Bruni (mp3)

"Little French Song" - Carla Bruni (mp3)

"the one true king of westeros...jon snow's wonderful dog Ghost"