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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (141)

Monday
May232016

In Which We Climbed The Red Keep So Many Nights

Bran Is 40

by DICK CHENEY

It's been a hard year so far. It hasn't been as hard for me as it was for Bran Stark. First of all they didn't have the money to get Sean Bean to play his father again. Sean Bean is under contract with TNT so he couldn't come back and play a younger version of himself. Instead it was a guy who looked a lot more like the actor playing Ned Stark in Braavos, who I have to admit was suspiciously accurate in his portrayal and could he be the real N.E.D.? Second of all, Bran is aging at a rate of ten years per episode like Robin Williams in Jack.

Bran's stupidity and love for the dream world allowed him to learn a somewhat pertinent lesson about the Children of the Forest. Those magical creatures may have erred in turning some blonde guy into a White Walker. Given that these weird female children knew the principal weakness of the demons they developed to destroy the wildings, I don't know much of a threat these cold ones really are. Just burn them. It's easy.

Hodor's time travel moment was cute, but it is even better I don't have to hear his stupid grunting anymore. Apparently the white walkers got as far as that door and decided not pursue Meera and Bran. It was very nice of Summer the direwolf to go down fighting, which I believe means there is only one direwolf left. These important budget reductions give us all the CGI money HBO needs when you add it to the cash they saved by firing their head of programming.

I was enthusiastically looking forward to the drowning of Euron Greyjoy. I don't know why the interminable saga of the Iron Islands ever became important at the expense of houses with interesting stories and purposes, but wrapping up the entire saga in one episode was basically a mercy killing.

The dragon queen's tearful dispatching of Iain Glen to cure the gross rash he has on his arm was well done. They should honestly just pause the show here and give us a spin-off season of Iain Glen traipsing through Valyria and meeting another Targaryen, twisted by his environment into something resembling a scientist. As in all of my GoT fanfictions (don't tell GRRM), there are intense sex scenes where someone is always like, "Forget the throne, being inside you is all that's crucial at this juncture," to which their wintercourse partner inevitably responds, "Don't talk that way about the throne."

It was funny how Arya was gleefully laughing when watching the reenactment of a man who loved her father gored by a boar, but as soon as her own family entered the diegesis, the frown emerged. I'd say all things considered, this drama hewed closely to the truth, although I will always be seriously let down that Sansa didn't fall in love with Tyrion. In retrospect, there was no reason that should not have happened. Think of the fanfic!

Sansa clutched the dwarf's trembling paw in her hand and held it to her bosom. He tasted of whiskey and camomile, an overpowering combinationthat simultaneously repulsed and aroused her like nothing else. "Where do whores go?" she whispered to him. "Come on, what?" he replied, flossing her teeth with some string and eating what fell out. Tyrion could think of nothing better than to be this massive ginger's baby bird.

That's just my opening salvo for the characters. Eventually the story would have featured Sansa biting a chunk out of Shae's leg and whimpering like a direwolf when challenged by her tiny husband. People, certain people, would have really enjoyed my approach to this period in the history of Westeros. I would not have included yet another scene where we fully detail when and where Varys' balls were removed. I felt the previous eight hundred renditions of this piece of backstory were probably enough.

I'd suspect with no romantic prospects on the horizon the dragon queen might start having some intimate feelings for her own personal high priestess. As I said last week, the pure, unadulterated impact of fictional romances has become a way of all around living for me. That's why the interplay between Eric the Red and Brienne has spawned an entire novelette I call Climbing the Blonde Keep.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Sandy" - Nancy Wilson (mp3)


Monday
May162016

In Which We Miss The Stolid Romance Of Our Thrones

Momma

by DICK CHENEY

Now that Littlefinger is back, I don't have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't have to, but I still do, mainly because The Grinder was canceled and I have no way to feel better about things besides googling the words "Rob Lowe old." We all need small comforts. I don't know what Littlefinger does when he is feeling a little down; maybe masturbates a dire wolf? Possibly he just takes a day off from plotting and feeds the birds.

Littlefinger's return could have presaged the death of an honorable warrior of the Vale, but I have truly no idea what the point of this character is anymore. In the coming war against the Lannister-Tyrell armies Daenerys faces an opponent who cannot even evict a bunch of religious wretches from their city. What possible match could the armies of Westeros be for dragons?

In two out of three episodes of Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke displays her chest. This feat has gotten progressively less interesting over time, especially since in this episode she slaughtered a bunch of guys who only made vague threats along the lines of, "You are subject to the patriarchy," and "You will not be reading Jezebel in the near future." If they were going to harm her, they probably would have already.

Sexual violence is indistinguishable from actual violence in Game of Thrones, which is how you know this is a series conceived by men so that they can imagine women in their own image. Whether there is any actual difference between the sexes I don't really know, except to say I would not be caught dead in Dame Tyrell's outfit.

The conversation between her and the Lannisters was long overdue — I mean how long were these people going to sit around having small council meetings, like another three seasons? Queen Margaery has been eating gruel and her own hair this whole fucking time.

The writing for Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones is more painful than ever. He has zero chemistry with Grey Worm and there are no romantic options for him in the East at all. Daenerys gave him someone to play off of, but they were separated as soon as he got to Mereen, which turned out to be a terrible dramatic decision.

The set design in this episode was really on point, though. The temple where Tyrion met with the slavers, giving them seven years to end slavery seemed like a livable house, and the big tent that Daenerys burned down had a ghostly symmetry reminiscent of Braavos. It's disappointing that the only history we get into is the events of Robert's Rebellion — I long thought that the later part of Game of Thrones would explain such mysteries as the environmental disaster that was the doom of Valyria. I don't have much hope for that anymore.

Last episode probably should have ended with the triumphant Jon Snow-Sansa Stark reunion, instead of him tromping south but then returning when he realized he did not have any of his things. Now that Jon has an entire ginger army ready to fight for him, I hope he takes out Ramsey Bolton quickly. Then we won't have to see Ramsey doing something kind of mean each week to remind us of what a dick he is.

Like most people, I have no memory of Sansa Stark being cruel to Jon Snow. I guess she said he was just a bastard. Given how things went, it would have made more sense to have them be friends when they were children, which suggests George is just throwing shit at the wall.

I was going to say we only saw one death this week, but I guess it was more like fifty or sixty. A lot of unimportant characters will be on the chopping block soon. Tommen Baratheon is so ineffectual I expect that his mother will slaughter him every time she goes in for an embrace. As an aside, the constant weekly emphasis on how Cersei would do anything for him seems to be leading to a betrayal of some kind, but I suppose it could also be leading to the end of Cersei. The Lannisters don't seem to have a lot of clear direction and I'm really unsure if we are supposed to hate or love them at this point.

I don't really remember the Onion Knight meeting up with Brienne, but I suppose if they could find love with each other, that could potentially be a best-case scenario for all involved. They could pillow talk about who loved which Baratheon brother more, and fantasize about the two becoming close friends again and ruling Westeros in a partnership for the ages. 

Maybe that is stretching, but Game of Thrones needs some romance, badly. It used to be someone was getting fucked right and left, but now sex has been relegated to the alleyways of the Dothraki settlement, where one young lady was having the best feast night in recent memory. No one has fallen in love in some time in the land of Seven Kingdoms, and even Samwell has been unable to consummate things due to his seasickness. Time to couple up you guys.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Gamma" - Rodion (mp3)

"Colazione" - Rodion (mp3)

 

Monday
May092016

In Which We Unfathered Jon Snow In Retrospect

He Is Something

by DICK CHENEY

Jon Snow isn't Jon Snow anymore. He is no longer that something, he is now another, peripheral thing. He falls in love and regrets his choice. She dies, unfortunately, and he becomes otherwise. He is a new man; he is always becoming a new man.

Why isn't everyone afforded the privilege of rebirth? Only the Starks are lucky enough to get to make pledges and gain allies, changing who they are. It is, in fact, what distinguishes them from the animals. I have to admit it is nice to see revenge finally in the offing. I find myself feeling more sympathetic to the Lannisters — but shouldn't it be other way around?

I have written some negative things about Donald Trump in this space. Now that he is the candidate for sure, I have gotten a number of questions that I don't feel I need to answer. He's just an annoying man for godsakes. He never was a Republican. Just because someone has a bad personality, doesn't mean they can't be president. Harry Truman was a dick. Still, I will answer some of your questions:

Did Samwell Tarley father a child? I forgot.

No, he is just the kind of man who cares for another man's baby, like whoever is dating Selena Gomez at this moment.

Do you think Trump will win, and if he does, how much of a catastrophe would it be for Murica?

Yes, I think he will win. If Clinton chooses Julian Castro, it looks like pandering, plus he and his twin brothers resemble the Mexican cartel twins in Breaking Bad. If she chooses Elizabeth Warren, as is more likely, it reduces her main strength as a candidate by rendering her history making story less unique. She really needs to choose Tom James from Veep.

Who would you say has a "good personality"?

Fiona Apple, Margaret Atwood, Neil Gaiman and anyone named Molly. I would not want to be friends with Lena Headley — how many times can you listen to someone describe their bowel movement without hoping they'll never have another? So many crucial events in our country's history would be different if people refused to drink coffee at night.

You know someone has a good personality when they are clearly, obvious humble, but everything they say somehow reflects well on them, and not even minutely negatively. They are holding the world back with their pinkie finger. This digit looks slightly wet, but upon closer inspection is drier and cleaner than anything you have ever inspected so closely.

How does this relate to the HBO situation comedy Game of Thrones?

Throwing up in a bucket is not a personality. I'm glad Samwell Tarly found a woman who was so thrilled not to be wintercoursing with her father that she accepts him for who he is. (This is just about the only way that will ever happen, regardless of gender, in my experience, so do yourself a favor and hide who you really are.) But wanting to help Jon Snow is not a personality.

This episode was a fucking chore. Long, badly written conversations between Tyrion and his eunuch-friends? More fucking time travel that tells us nothing important about Robert's Rebellion and suggests that Ned Stark was twelve when it occurred? Jon Snow looking at people sadly for fifteen minutes?

Real people have conflicting motivations. Characters on Game of Thrones are disturbingly single-minded. This trend has been going on for quite awhile now, but in the books it was mitigated by a sense of inner turmoil that we don't have time for here. Arya Stark spent all of two weeks in training to be a faceless man. It is nice that she is an invulnerable magic assassin now, but I come to Thrones for the deep feelings within me and the Littlefinger jokes. After this episode I just felt cold.

Do you think Daenerys Stormborn can afford an acting teacher? She should look into that.

Yeah. Things reach a nadir when Lena Headey and Emilia are presented back to back. It is like watching a movie and its pornographic parody in the same sitting.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Decks Dark" - Radiohead (mp3)