Ser Kevan Will Save Us
by DICK CHENEY
In the histories Herodotus describes a rarity: an Egyptian king not born into the nobility. Amasis was a drunk and a thief before he became king. He would wander, inebriated, into the homes of the rich and wealthy, stealing what he could to restore whatever fortune he lost at gambling. When he was caught he would be presented to oracles for judgment; some confirmed his felonies, others absolved him of any wrongdoing. When he became King he ignored the gods who had said he was innocent, and started to revere those who convicted him. This is something like the philosophy a Lannister uses to strangle his whore.
Tyrion dumped Shae, married a ginger over fifteen years her junior, and murdered her in her client's bed. I'm surprised he did not rip out her teeth afterwards and hang them around his neck.
Call me naive and innocent, but I felt that Tywin Lannister's protestations from his death toilette maybe had the ring of truth. Was he really going to let his own son die? It's not like he has a billion — he has two and one is probably going to need to be recast after he leaves Thrones and the unforgiving role of a one-armed guardsman for a career playing opposite whatever is left of Cameron Diaz.
Just kidding Mrs. Diaz, I enjoyed your winsome cameo as the skeleton who slaughtered Jojen Reed. When some white fogey in a cave — subsisting on god knows what besides the fever dreams of young marsh boys — explained that Jojen had known of his own death all along, I screamed at the betrayalthon. I was with the idea that some little girl ("the Children" jesus George it took you five years to come up with that?) was entering Bran's dreams, since it seemed like maybe there could be some kind of romance there down the road. Now that I know some creepy old Gandalf was "watching them their entire lives," my erection has been reduced to a mere shadow of what it once was.
I recently was forced/cajoled/bartered by my wife Lynne into watching X-Men: Days of Future Past. The discussion about whether or not to see the movie went a little something like this.
ME: I feel uncomfortable watching a movie made by someone who I know forced young people to have sex against their will.
LYNNE: You loved Blue Jasmine.
I had no comeback for that, and also, Lynne promised to watch the second season of Under the Dome with me, even though she commented that Hank Schrader would never do all those things and Stephen King was "a fucking stupid crone."
X-Men: Days of Future Past was the worst piece of shit I have seen in awhile. Time travel movies are always absolutely silly, but this took the cake. At one point Captain Picard explained to Gandalf that he really had no idea whether someone could affect the flow of time, even though sending Wolverine back to the 70s was the entire premise of the film. The worst part of X-Men: Days of Future Past was having to look at Jennifer Lawrence's ungainly blue physique the entire time, and James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender being forced by Bryan Singer to pretend she was appealing in any way whatsoever. Lawrence looked like a dirty blue towel wrapped around two exercise balls.
Afterwards I was so incensed I wasted my time with this utter dreck I convinced Lynne to allow me to use the galactic cap as reparations. (Menopause is for Democrats.) Watch this video, and thank me later, assuming you are okay with applying a preparatory adhesive to the tip of your jambalaya before sexual congress:
Stannis Baratheon's magical arrival on the scene to slay the wildlings was a bit implausible, but what the hey. This show will kill anyone off except Mance Rayder, he's the Ron Weasley of Westeros.
The creepy glance across the funeral pyre that Melisandre shared with our boy Jon Snow gave me chills. Funerals are a wonderful place to meet women, however, especially if the corpse in question was your OTP. Who knows if you might really click with her sister, or your King's shadow-birthing mistress?
The battle between the Hound and Brienne of Tarth brought up a lot of delicate mems of when I shot Condi Rice in the belly-button with a Civil War pistol in a violent reenactment of the Hamilton-Burr duel for my own amusement. I would be lying if I said I did not want the Hound to cut off the tall woman's sword hand so she and Jamie could be twinsies.
The fault here was really Jamie's: if you want to negotiate the safe return of Arya Stark, send a diplomat; if you want someone who is sure to not protect the girl at all and magically leave her post and abdicate her responsibility when things get the slightest bit difficult, Brienne was a fine choice. Podrick was just like "smh miss u Bronn."
Cersei suddenly losing her mind about her marriage to the super-eligible Sir Loras came across a bit over-the-top. She is destined to suffer in mediocre subplots for some time while the real man of the family, Sir Kevan Lannister, takes his rightful place as Hand of the King. Jennifer Lawrence will be the newly recast Sir Kevan, and I must say the role of a mature man in his fifties much more befits her natural talents.
Daenerys Targaryen's emotional, subterranean imprisonment of the only two dragons she had handy really made me feel things, but not like good things. It was confusing to me why two absolutely glorious creatures were kept in a hidey hole while Piper Chapman has the run of her facility.
My idea of a spin-off to bide the time until George R.R. Martin finishes things up is the happy adventures of Drogon the black dragon cruising through the Valyrian ruins, consoling and befriending all old folks who live there, irrevocably altered by the radiation poisoning from the Doom. Somewhere among that wreckage he may find the disturbed, half-mad mutants whose intercourse produced Emily Blunt.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording and a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can relive all the tears, fears and Hot Pie-related bon mots of this season of Game of Thrones here.
"Hawthorne" - The Felice Brothers (mp3)
"No Trouble" - The Felice Brothers (mp3)