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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (108)

Thursday
May212015

In Which Matt Dillon Was More Of A Figure Of Speech

Come Back To Us

by DICK CHENEY

Wayward Pines
creator Chad Hodge


When he breathes out, Matt Dillon's face resembles a puffy blowfish. Matt should have been on Lost. As Secret Service agent Ethan Burke, Dillon is fantastic at the only thing ever required of him on Fox's Wayward Pines, which is to bristle at unexpected developments in his life. When you think about it, Matt Dillon, 51, could have been much better than Matthew Fox or Henry Ian Cusick in their respective roles. By the way, I still wonder what happened to Matthew Fox. Did he die from remorse after his creative involvement with Damon Lindelof?

Her hair looks like Play-Doh.

Matt's wife Theresa Burke is played by Shannyn Sossamon. She seems an unlikely choice for a long suffering wife, but director M. Night Shyamalan finds something in her androgyny. Wayward Pines is, I am not sorry to say, better acted, better cast and better performed than anything J.J. Abrama has been involved with. Matt is drawn to the town of Wayward Pines searching for his missing partner Kate (Carla Gugino). One day he wakes up into an idyllic and charming town. Naturally, the only thing he can think of to do is leave.

Carla became a little too close to Matt Dillon on the job. It is a bit too soon for another adulterous hero, but Dillon is also perfect at conveying the properties of mistakes. He is no more responsible for their occurence than God is responsible for the tragedy of The Mindy Project's cancellation. Unlike other actors, his errors all come across as feckless, guiltless.

The Rock is very sorry for how he acted last night. She's very lucky her husband was a helicopter pilot.

Things manifest differently for a woman. Dressed up in the style of decades earlier, Gugino looks like a strumpet even when she is Taylor Swifting about how conflicted she is about having sex/intercourse with another man's wife. Gugino, 43, is finally beginning to look like a woman in middle age, but her girlish appeal is still intact. Wayward Pines wins you over with its perfect casting and pace more than any actual substance.

It's nice to see a Scientologist can still get work.

In a bar in this mysterious, final town Matt Dillon meets Juliette Lewis. It feels like Lewis has been around for so long; the shocking news is that she is only 41. Her chief talent consists in making manufactured surprise look completely genuine. The fun comes when we simply watch her react to Matt's loopy questions. She gives him her address if he needs somewhere to stay, and it is at that address where he finds the body of a  missing cisgender federal agent.

Terence has trouble juggling multiple roles because of his utter devotion to the Stanislavsky Method.

Looking for answers — as well as his wallet and firearm — Dillon heads over to the sheriff's office. There Terence Howard is quietly fulfilling his contract with Fox, the same way Nucky's brother on Boardwalk Empire has magically been cast on every single HBO show since. Matt eventually has a breakdown and winds up in the hospital, where his real troubles begin. He cannot drive out of the town of Wayward Pines, since there is a massive electric fence circling the habitat.

Say what you want about M. Night's questionable taste in material/Scientologist actors, but he is fantastically talented at atmosphere and tension. Wayward Pines is incredibly fun for this reason. Here Chad Hodge (The Playboy Club) has an actual mystery that will deliver according to the novels it is based upon, rather than the strategery of Carlton Cuse taking notes for Lost's direction from message boards.

He has the best back of the head in television today. I want that hair as a wig.

Mr. Cuse recently bestowed upon us the rather dull third season finale of Bates Motel. The prequel to Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho succeeds entirely on the charisma of its star, the brilliant Vera Farmiga. In contrast, Cuse's newest show The Returned, also airing on A&E, is about as exciting as Lost-Jin flashback episode. You will not be surprised that The Returned concerns a massive cast of people all returning to a locale after they are believed to be dead.

In what is a major step forward for Carlton, there is barely anyone from Lost on the show, not even Nestor Carbonell. (Michelle Forbes was too good to exclude on this basis.) In what is not a major step forward for Carlton, The Returned concerns a group of white people from very different backgrounds and circumstances struggling with a mystery that has left them in an isolated place. Apparations and figments of their imagination recur, and they cannot make sense of the specifics of their lives. Lost should have died a long time ago.

Michelle Forbes should be in every show.

There is actually something deeply wrong about these many reincarnations of Twin Peaks. For all its perfection in mood and atmosphere, Twin Peaks was actually tongue-in-cheek, which many of these projects seem to ignore entirely. There is not really even one joke in Wayward Pines or The Returned — like Lost, they are utterly sincere interpretations of the same basic theme: understanding human beings at the level of a community rather than at the level of a person is a waste of time.

Treading over this ground might seem a little dull, but as long as Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly remain on the outskirts of employment and general good will, I suppose I can accomodate this trend.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is most known for his disgust with the ending of Lost and being the former vice president of the United States.

This should have been what was in the hatch.

"Just Saying" - Jamie xx (mp3)

"Stranger in a Room" - Jamie xx ft. Oliver Sim (mp3)

 

Monday
May182015

In Which We Do Not Envy Anyone Except Bronn

Rompers

by DICK CHENEY

It is not easy being a blogger, but it is a lot better than being Sansa Stark. Before I recapped Game of Thrones to while away the remaining years of my retirement, I worked in the White House where I was a part of several prominent conspiracies, I use the term 'conspiracy' in its most literal sense, because the most I ever accomplished in whispers was to get a young Hawaiian kid with a ton of political promise addicted to smoking, and pay women to dump Joe Biden for the last forty years.

If you know someone's weakness, then you own them. Here are some weaknesses I have noticed in people over the years:

Clint Eastwood: neckbeard
Monica Lewinsky: regular orgasms
Frankie Muniz: crack
Jesus: attention
Bethenny Frankel: rompers
George Michael: condoms or cousins, depending on the GM
Ed Sheeran: pubes are neon

tyrion lannister: valentines

Bill de Blasio: hates actually making decisions
Chris Evans: loves baby food
Helen Mirren: whores

Sansa Stark: people being meansies

Jon Snow: black and white cookies
George R.R. Martin: writing
Cersei Lannister: Monty Python
Sir Kevan Lannister: love of Casterly Rock's numerous panini restaurants

You see how I started things off by taking shots at prominent Democrats, but then by the end I was making trenchant commentary about GoT?

That's a cute wheelchair. He's the Stephen Hawking of Dorne.

The New York Post and certain other publications for reasons too stupid to understand are no longer printing the word whore. Instead they write w---e, as if we will not know exactly what is being talked about. Any legitimate journalist outlet which censors words for any reason should shut down. Hope this leads to the end of Anne Lamott's career.

Tyrion Lannister has no problem saying the w word. In a pinch, he will begin spontaneously humble-bragging about his penis, which he has named Tuesday Held. My younger readers probably don't remember Tuesday Weld. When Stanley Kubrick asked Ms. Weld to play the part of Lolita, she told him, "I don't need to play the part of Lolita, I am Lolita." Peter Dinklage would make a fantastic Humbert Humbert.

A young girl with a touch of incest and zero self-awareness. Run.

Instead he has been abducted by the Onion Knight's best buddy, creating the first workable beginnings of the alliance between Stannis Baratheon and the Targaryens. (Please include the previous sentence somewhere in my eulogy. TY) I foresee Jorah ruling the fighting pits by giving all his opponents greyscale and insisting that Stannis will love them despite it.

Jaime and Bronn's dumb sally into Dorne more resembles The Three Amigos than anything else. Watching Jaime's lame sword-play makes it seem ridiculous that he could fend off any trained warrior for more than a minute, let alone several with whips reminiscent of a young Jamie Dornan. I guess maybe they took pity on him.

Scene from Harper Lee's next novel To Kill A Gay

Things go even worse for the Tyrells. The old woman's husband is destined to become one of the many faces the Braavosi rely upon to blow bubbles on the stomachs of young children in order to enshre regular tickles. Incidentally, the tickling industry has a powerful lobby, and Gwyneth Paltrow has an annual tickle spend of £2.2 million. Imagine how much Rachel McAdams' husband has to spend on her tickles. It would be ludicrous if it wasn't completely believable.

feels like there are very few playful tickles in Braavos.

As for Ser Loras: my sympathy extends only so far. Renly Baratheon's sexuality was fairly fluid. If my readings of the companion graphic novel to A Song of Ice and Fire are correct, he slipped Brienne a French kiss from time to time as well. No man can entirely resist the appeal of a woman. Let's get real: even the foulest female smells like vanilla in the summertime. Ser Loras, however, wasn't about that life. He thought that women — including his own sister — were the grossest. Margaery's lack of inner beauty may legit be the reason Loras was gay.

As for Sansa, she was completely savvy in one scene and an utter dunce in the next. She could not really think talking about Tyrion in a favorable way was the best of ideas. I don't want to victim blame, but could she not just have tickled her way out of this situation? It worked for Anita Hill.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Moonlight" - Young Wonder (mp3)

Monday
May112015

In Which We Hesitate To Move Against The Lord Commander

Dear Sam

by DICK CHENEY

Samwell Tarly gets letters.

hey Sam,

I heard you haven't made a move with Gilly yet. You should probably tell her that she excels at lots of things, like washing floors and cleaning up after her incest baby. Women always love a hot compliment, as well as Once Upon A Time. They want to feel like girls again.

P.S. You're a big bag of shit.

Allison in Moat Cailin

such a mediocre face to wake up to  hey Sam,

Boy, you're really getting a lot of mileage out of that one white walker you killed. Even Bran killed a white walker; this is not an accomplishment years later. You can find obsidian at any depth. You look ridiculous.

P.S. Your dad is fantastic.

Nina from the Iron Islands

the dragons are extremely upset they don't get wireless in the dungeon

hey Sam,

Blow me.

hey Sam,

Things really suck in Mereen since they took away the fighting pits. The only thing to do now is cower inside from the local dragon and draw pictures of our queen arranged among sconces. We think she is a really wonderful queen though.

P.S. Stop coddling that girl with the greyscale.

Greg from Hogwarts

"Master Aemon, this one is from a guy in the Citadel who says he misses you. How do I make Gilly love me?"

Approval from Stannis Baratheon is the most serious commendation Samwell has received since Jon Snow told him he was his third best friend, after Mance and the little boy who serves him his lunch.

Somehow J. Snow has arranged it so that he is making a long, arduous trip north with another ginger wildling. Funny how that happens. Fortunately, Stannis is enthralled by Jon Snow's newfound charisma and above-average likeability in polling. He stares at the guy like Bradley Cooper looks at his date at the Met Gala.

I think Jon said Stannis about fifty times in this episode. "Stannis is giving me ships, boyyyyys!"

The most exciting part of last night's episode found Tyrion and Ser Jorah Mormont taking an ill-advised cruise through the doom of Valyria. This environmental catastrophe probably indicates Valyria was at one time Central Europe, since it is filled with sketchy guys looking to steal your gondola. Mormont's fear of pirates was perhaps misplaced; what would they want with a dwarf and the biggest downer since Robb Stark's annoying common-born wife?

Performing CPR on Tyrion's mouth could not have been pleasant.

In the North, Roose Bolton has obviously not learned that remember when is the lowest form of conversation. The guy is incredibly low key and never so much as tortures a woman, but he's humblebragging about sexual violence from 20 years ago? How about a flashback?

Before that we got a lengthy introduction to Ramsay's annoying girlfriend, the one who thinks biting someone's lip makes her more than the kennel chief's daughter. She is only going to end up becoming another notch in Sansa Stark's belt, which irritates me. Like, have Sansa kill Ramsay herself. Don't set up a catfight, that's just annoying.

Damn these people for leading us to expect the return of Sansa's direwolf.

Ramsay has all the subtlety of Aemon Targaryen's blind sexual advances on Jon Snow. He just goes around snarling, informing everyone nastily about what he wants. I can't enjoy broad characters like that. He reminds me of Matlock. I really hope Stannis makes him marry Lady Greyscale or serve as the Onion Knight's secretary/treasurer.

They have a lot to discuss regarding their bad taste in men. I believe Sansa's direwolf was named
Mollycoddle?

It seems like nothing really happens on Game of Thrones anymore. I understand that keeping up the pace of one major character character dying each episode wasn't realistic. I don't give two shits about some guy who looks roughly the same as I do in the mirror (with hair) perishing in Diagon Alley. He was probably going to pass from natural causes very soon in any case. Ser Barristan Selmy should not have been fighting anything except a cold.

I hope she stroked the place where Grey Worm's balls were in the deleted scenes.

Perpetuating the weird romance between Grey Worm and Dany's slave only reminded me how little love is on Game of Thrones. Not one single person besides that eunuch is in love. Everyone I know in the real world is actively in love; in the case of Donald Rumsfeld, love with three remarkably different women. But no one on Thrones can find this happiness at all. If I was David Benioff's boyfriend, I would be deeply afraid.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Something Must Change" - Novella (mp3)

"Sentences" - Novella (mp3)