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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (114)

Monday
Jun082015

In Which We Wonder Where Grey Worm Was

Hangin' with Myrcella

by DICK CHENEY

It was a hard week, and at the end of a hard week, you just want to kick your balls up in the air, eat some pickled eggs and watch Jon Snow teabag his ginger friend until morning. I have heard it all from people on their deathbeds — once a legit member of Al Qaeda asked his for his mom to sing him to sleep. Once she arrived he killed her with his teeth, the reasons were nuncupatory.

Children murder their parents all the time on Game of Thrones, so it seems only right that it should work the other way around. I know that I spent many grafs explaining how annoying I found Shireen, and how unappealing her greyscale, but even I assumed she would go out with a great deal more dignity. I mean, it was only by the grace of the seven that she even survived this long in the first place. Every day after that was a gift.

Go out with a little class there Shireen. Mance Rayder didn't even whine this much.

I would have thought that D.B. Weiss had the cojones to let us watch Shireen's passing without the dubious cliche of watching her mother watch her dying, but these are the people whose idea of a climactic moment was the Dragon Queen making a cameo in what appeared to be a scene from The Neverending Story. The whole battle in the arena was completely stupid, and Iain Glen looked like an awkward klutz making his way through Mereen's finest.

This guy knows how to keep a low profile. Go back to Age of Adaline and take your shit beard with you.

Worst of all was Tyrion's wretched dialogue to the Queen's late fiance Hizdahr about how eloquent men are something something. He can't bring any better conversation to the table? How about ranking the slaves based on factors like obedience and resemblance to Grey Worm? Tyrion's condemnation of violence also rang a bit hollow. I mean the man was a general who fought at the Battle of Blackwater, and he winces when he sees a few slaves cut each other's heads off?

I couldn't have been less impressed with Drogon's fighting. He inspired no fear at all and cried like my golden retriever Ariana when a few arrows went through what should have been his armor. He called for his mother when he was in pain, earning the nickname that will haunt him all of his dragon years: Shireen II. The only thing worse than the scene itself is having to watch the idiot who plays Daario Naharis act.

what I'm hearing is that sex with anyone is absolutely fine. You are a treasure Ellaria.

In Dorne Jaime was written some cute letters and having really freeing conversations with Ellaria Sand about why incest is not so bad, really. I hope this leads to the long awaited team up between Bronn and the Sand Snakes.

I can't get Tyene in particular out of my mind; she almost makes me forget that the reason Doran Martell is confined to a wheelchair is a horrendous case of gout brought on by a pet scorpion named Rosie.

Drogon buddy, you have shrunk in size and your dodging skills are mediocre at best. Go use your litter box and await my return.

Your pets will always turn on you, especially if your CGI budget was cut by HBO and you are no longer permitted to show more than one scene featuring a direwolf in any given season. Some sets on Thrones look fantastic, but this season has featured less and less of that. King's Landing is now more of a hallway and a dungeon, while the Dragon Queen's palace is only one room. Stannis Baratheon's encampment looked like a couple guys bedding down in Yellowstone before they went climbing the next day.

She's disgusted by gout. It doesn't make her a bad person.

Maybe we should just wrap things up here, make the season finale the series finale. The Queen marries Jon Snow, who is revealed as a secret Targaryen. Jaime finds love with Oberyn Martell's ex and they sire eight to ten more Sand Snakes. Their resulting children enter Kevan Lannister and the High Septon's beds, destroying them with poison and inappropriateness.

Sansa falls in love with Dany's cute assistant and Grey Worm, forming a powerful triumvirate that rules the Iron Islands. Samwell Tarly falls down a particular high set of stairs. Gilly preserves his penis in amber. Tyrion screams "Wheeeee!" as he rides one of the Queen's lesser dragons. He picks up Bran in his dragon Uber and they all decide to become maesters at the Citadel. Arya elopes with Mace Tyrell and they form an acapella troupe. Tommen sucks a dick.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

Shireen II: an improvement on the first edition in every way

"Regeneration" - Luke Haines (mp3)

"Adventures in Dementia" - Luke Haines (mp3)

Monday
Jun012015

In Which We Don't Want You To Say Her Name Again

General Mopeybrr Is Still Kewld

by DICK CHENEY

My hope that Jon Snow was going to die in his quest for obsidian was in vain. During the white walker attack, Jon — like any leader — spent the majority of the battle soulfully looking into the eyes of his opposing number. This was a tactic Robert E. Lee popularized at the Battle of Gettysburg until Ulysses S. Grant sent him a note informing him the staring made things a wee bit uncomfortable.

I can't help but think of all the time that Jon could have been saving that lovely woman's children instead of locking eyes with his counterpart. Jon's naivete is only eclipsed by the stupidity of the wildlings. They have a giant and uniforms (??) but they don't put scouts anywhere further than a few feet outside their camp?

Lieutenant Janice Winterbottom just shattered into a million pieces. Poor guy.

More impressive was how Torvald went from Jon's fiercest enemy to his absolute best friend in what seemed like mere seconds. The suggestions of homosexuality perpetuated by a now-deceased wildling leader may have just been a bit too on the nose. (King Crow also seems like a slur to me.) We still have a long way to go in accepting a strong gay hero, although I guess there was Top Gun.

As exciting as the white walker attack was, I don't understand why everyone didn't just move into the shallow water. It seems like water is a lot easier to find than dragonglass, so I suggest they arm the men of the Night's Watch with rompers and super soakers. It is a little dull to watch an enemy that is basically a zombie horde, so I enjoyed the debut of the white walker general, who I have named General Mopeybrr Coldpenis D.M.D. He reminds me of Olaf during contract negotiations on Frozen 2: Still Kewld.

Senator Coldpenis, I presume?

It was a little disappointing to watch the show create a great female character and then murder her one episode, but I guess they felt it might overshadow Sansa's weekly sexual assault. They don't even show it anymore, and somehow a scene depicting Tommen's hunger strike or Kevan Lannister refusing Cersei did not make it to air.

I liked that guy! He bought four oysters, and they were delicious!

These important developments had to be shunted to an offscreen role because we had to hear what Tyrion and the Dragon Queen finally would say to each other. The conversation went something like this:

DT: What do you think I should do with this orangutan?

TL: A queen that kills monkeys is not a queen that inspires the devotion of monkeys.

DT: Perhaps. What do you think I should do with this quiche?

"When I killed my father I had the briefest flatuence. I will tell you all about it over a cornish hen."

TL: For that answer, I'll need a 1996 Cabernet.

DL: You look cute, but you sure talk a lot about how you murdered your parents.

TL: Perhaps.

DL: Why did they cancel Mindy Kaling's show?

TL: She asked for too much money.

Dany's somewhat anti-climactic line about how she is going to break the wheel aside, her vision of restoring economical equality to Westeros was very noble. She's like the William Jennings Bryan of the Narrow Sea. She even looks like him!

Hopefully Tyrion is only the first member of the Dragon Queen's small council. Varys will swish his way onto the scene at some point, and what about that particularly introspective prostitute from season two? You don't think Tyrion suddenly became celibate now that the women of Mereen are open to his particular advances, do you? If they abandon Tyrion's chance at a real romantic relationship, I will never forgive GRRM.

Good thing Jon Snow got on that last boat. What would we do without his Jennifer Aniston haircut and pathetic simpering?

But seriously, I hope this is the last we see of the land beyond the wall. Mance Rayder was super annoying and old, and the rest of the wildings weren't much better. They only have one giant, and the exteriors were simply depressing.

Still, I am forced to admit that last night's episode was absolutely fantastic compared to the mess of the season it has been so far. I didn't even mind so much when Samwell Tarly was turning Gilly's near death into something that happened to him, or letting her heal the scrape on his face when it's been like, two weeks.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

Oh Jesus is he four?

"Birds of Films" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)

"With A Sort of Grace I Walked To The Bathroom To Cry" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)

Monday
May252015

In Which This Is Not The Sex We Were Promised Gilly

You're Hurting Me

by DICK CHENEY

I can make a short list of all the things I eagerly anticipated that did not live up to the hype:

Jurassic Park 3

The return of Arrested Development
Tidal
Wii U
heroin

and now sex between Samwell Tarly and his girlfriend Gilly. What happened, if you missed it, was terrible. She gave him one kiss (no tongue), climbed on top of him after shifting her underwear to the side, and said, "Am I hurting you?" in the voice I use when I am asking Lynne if there is any piaya left over from last night.

I really hope she has bathed in the last five months.

Sam let out a small moan. I don't suppose the incest sex Gilly had beyond the wall consisted of her straddling Craster and asking him if her vagina gave him pain. After Sam saved her from what was at the very least looking like a menage a trois, the least she could do is tousle his hair slightly as she was riding him.

"SAM AM I HURTING YOU. AM I HURTING YOU!?!?!?!"

Undoubtedly this was Sam's first time. I would have serious problems if my virginity was taken just as soon as I had gotten my ass kicked. It sets a really bad precedent; e.g. are we only going to get down when some dude kicks me hard in the face?

Sam wasn't the only one not fully being pleased by his partner. Dany has to have sex with the man who is undoubtedly the worst actor in all of Mereen. He mansplains how to be a queen to her right after sex. Do you think after Lynne and I spent hours doing tantric to postpone the inevitable splashdown that Lynne was like, "You know, Dick, you should really slaughter a bunch of Iraqis?"? No. She said what any loving wife would say: "Thank you for the mess."

Khal Drogo would have loved this little guy. RIP Khal Drogo.

Pretty soon the Dragon Queen won't need his advice anymore. She will have Tyrion Lannister to give her the straight scoop on King's Landing: "Where does Jon Snow like to go to for dins?" "Where are all the cutest places to shop along the Kingsroad?" "Was Aemon Targaryen a flaming homosexual and was his boyfriend Ned Stark's dad, Tevye 'Juniorfell' Stark?" It's a rich lore we are dealing with here.

Now that the books have basically been ground up in the shredder and George R.R. Martin is more focused on empanadas than writing, we can start to really enjoy not knowing what is to come. Cersei's imprisonment in the Sept was the last thread of the novels, and it will be great fun because I am super sick of her collagen lips and frozen hair style. Margary Tyrell has never looked so good, I sort of understood why Tommen fell in love with her.

You know, irony usually takes more than ten minutes to unfold unless you're Amy Winehouse.

Stannis' move on Winterfell seems kind of silly now. He should have just sailed south. I mean who is actually going to mount a defense of King's Landing — the people who committed incest or lied are in jail. The only person left over would have been Ser Podrick, but he's not even around.

I really hope he gets the chance to play Hitler before a Sansa Stark fangirl assassinates him in 2025.

Littlefinger's cute scene with Dame Tyrell notwithstanding, I guess the idea is to make Jonathan Pryce a villain worth cutting down? He seems kind of morally ambiguous though. I mean, are we supposed to room for Team Thincest? I am confused by these moral boundaries, especially when Jonathan Pryce is giving speeches that are literally word-for-word articles from the pages of The Nation.

Sansa's reaction to her wedding night was a little patronizing. Asking a man to help her, especially one as narratively impotent as Theon, will be even more annoying if he is finally the principal who ends Roose Bolton's flaying ways. I don't like Roose, but that old woman he skinned looked a lot better without her epidermis than with it.

He's not going to be able to ever be pleased by a woman after this. Those Sand Snakes are just the best.

In Dorne, Bronn sang a song to a beautiful maiden. She used a poison known as The Long Farewell on him, which is actually the same potion I used to disassemble Ronald Reagan when his anti-abortion speeches started getting tone-deaf. I understand he thought a fetus was a child, but when I asked him to prove it, he just ate peanut M&Ms and watched Welcome Back, Kotter.

Provable facts are all I am interested in now. Subtlety and inneundo are completely lost in Game of Thrones, but this is simply because they have vanished in the real world. I still have questions about I, Claudius, as to what parts of the story are true. But with Game of Thrones the only question I have ever had is, "Would it be hard to bring myself to orgasm with my left hand if I lost my right in a welding accident or if Melisandre needed my blood for a potion?"

He may never have wintercourse again.


The story of Bronn settling in Dorne and having a beautiful young family with the girl who exposed herself to him is the kind of subplot Game of Thrones sorely needs. There has to be some coming together. It can't all be constantly only falling apart.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Bronze Head" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)

"Apparition" - My Brightest Diamond (mp3)

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