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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (145)

Monday
May302016

In Which Mace Tyrell Resembled A Beagle Wrapped In Gold Foil

History Lesson

by DICK CHENEY

Last night I was promised in words and deeds that I would never have to watch Jonathan Pryce act again. Jaime Lannister's failed movie career was on the verge of slaughtering the religious fanatics who held Margaery Tyrell's failed movie career hostage. The guy who plays Lady Tyrell's husband looked super-cute in his armor, and I finally understood how he was originally able to win the heart of such a magnificent babe. Cersei was nowhere to be found because no one could tolerate Lena Headey's list of demands during a day-long crowd scene.

Then Jonathan Pryce was spared, and I was no longer spared the indiginity of watching him portray this annoying character. Fuck Tommen for being such a prick to his dad, and congrats to Samwell Tarly on being such a dick to his father. Although to be completely fair to Randyll Tarly, everything he said was the God's honest truth. He sent his son to lose some weight and kill wildlings, not marry a wildling and fill up on hard bread and other empty calories.

The Tarly stronghold was fantastic and nearly as imposing as Drogon. What I didn't get was why after Samwell specifically told her not to, did Gilly inform his entire family that she was a wildling. I mean, she couldn't keep this secret through one single fucking dinner, which incidentally was probably the best dinner of her life and the selection of bread was absolutely astonishing?!

Lady Crane is truly the queen of the Braavosi stage. The commitment to historical accuracy in the theater of the free city is impressive for such a local institution, although the guy who played Twyin Lannister came across as a bit of a dick. It is great to see us finally dumping this storyline and revealing what disturbed freaks these faceless assassins turned out to be. I mean, at some point. I started wondering myself why I was sympathizing with a dude slicing corpse's face off, until I realized that is why I am the man that I am.

Bran should have taken the out-of-body possession of his own legs, since he has returned to his annoying, "What are we going to do you guys" whining and not even the retcon of his Uncle Benjen "Why was I sent to the wall again?" Stark could bring him out of his shell. Bran's flashbacks to the past are the only saving grace of this dogshit plotline, as it was great fun to see The Mad King give orders to burn his citizenry in this episode directed by Lost veteran Jack Bender.

George R.R. Martin wrote Game of Thrones as a basic reimaging of the story of the Plantagenets. What is missing from our current political discourse is the possibility of changing our ideas and aims depending on the circumstances. A king can alter his thinking without appearing weak, since he is the supreme ruler, but a democratically elected leader is beholden to his people. The small fiefdoms of Westeros behave more in this way, depending on the loyalty of their bannermen. While essentially undemocratic, this system also had its virtues. Stability was not particularly among them.

The surveys of this period in England are some of our first, best modern nistories. Yet events of even fifty years fade from us now, despite how their shape contemporary lives. It was not even half of a century ago when blacks were allowed civil rights, and to expect certain things in less than a generation is unrealistic. We will so completely forget the people we were in another fifty years that the whole world is likely to become unrecognizable. Giving us the sense of time stretched out behind and ahead of us is part of what made Game of Thrones into HBO's only remaining viable show.

This is the great problem for the Dragon Queen. She knows a lot about the people with which she intends to conquer Westeros. They smell absolutely terrible, and his best lieutenants suffer from dwarfism, greyscale, eunuch love, failed movie careers and castration. She knows absolutely zero about the place she intends to rule. To date, her entire political philosophy has been to end slavery; but there are no slaves in Westeros. Her plan is somewhat akin to raising an army of free men in the American South to liberate the North.

I hope there is a twist coming soon, because I do not think Jonathan Pryce and Tommen Baratheon are useful enough villains to make their removal by dragons very satisfying. If Drogon bit the head off of Randyll Tarly and forced Littlefinger to insert his manhood into the dragon fireduct maybe I would be happy for a bit, but I still doubt this can be wrapped up in a satisfying way, e.g. Jon Snow turns heel and burns the Night's Watch to death or Roose Bolton marries Lord Tully's young wife.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Oblivius (Moretti remix)" - The Strokes (mp3)

Monday
May232016

In Which We Climbed The Red Keep So Many Nights

Bran Is 40

by DICK CHENEY

It's been a hard year so far. It hasn't been as hard for me as it was for Bran Stark. First of all they didn't have the money to get Sean Bean to play his father again. Sean Bean is under contract with TNT so he couldn't come back and play a younger version of himself. Instead it was a guy who looked a lot more like the actor playing Ned Stark in Braavos, who I have to admit was suspiciously accurate in his portrayal and could he be the real N.E.D.? Second of all, Bran is aging at a rate of ten years per episode like Robin Williams in Jack.

Bran's stupidity and love for the dream world allowed him to learn a somewhat pertinent lesson about the Children of the Forest. Those magical creatures may have erred in turning some blonde guy into a White Walker. Given that these weird female children knew the principal weakness of the demons they developed to destroy the wildings, I don't know much of a threat these cold ones really are. Just burn them. It's easy.

Hodor's time travel moment was cute, but it is even better I don't have to hear his stupid grunting anymore. Apparently the white walkers got as far as that door and decided not pursue Meera and Bran. It was very nice of Summer the direwolf to go down fighting, which I believe means there is only one direwolf left. These important budget reductions give us all the CGI money HBO needs when you add it to the cash they saved by firing their head of programming.

I was enthusiastically looking forward to the drowning of Euron Greyjoy. I don't know why the interminable saga of the Iron Islands ever became important at the expense of houses with interesting stories and purposes, but wrapping up the entire saga in one episode was basically a mercy killing.

The dragon queen's tearful dispatching of Iain Glen to cure the gross rash he has on his arm was well done. They should honestly just pause the show here and give us a spin-off season of Iain Glen traipsing through Valyria and meeting another Targaryen, twisted by his environment into something resembling a scientist. As in all of my GoT fanfictions (don't tell GRRM), there are intense sex scenes where someone is always like, "Forget the throne, being inside you is all that's crucial at this juncture," to which their wintercourse partner inevitably responds, "Don't talk that way about the throne."

It was funny how Arya was gleefully laughing when watching the reenactment of a man who loved her father gored by a boar, but as soon as her own family entered the diegesis, the frown emerged. I'd say all things considered, this drama hewed closely to the truth, although I will always be seriously let down that Sansa didn't fall in love with Tyrion. In retrospect, there was no reason that should not have happened. Think of the fanfic!

Sansa clutched the dwarf's trembling paw in her hand and held it to her bosom. He tasted of whiskey and camomile, an overpowering combinationthat simultaneously repulsed and aroused her like nothing else. "Where do whores go?" she whispered to him. "Come on, what?" he replied, flossing her teeth with some string and eating what fell out. Tyrion could think of nothing better than to be this massive ginger's baby bird.

That's just my opening salvo for the characters. Eventually the story would have featured Sansa biting a chunk out of Shae's leg and whimpering like a direwolf when challenged by her tiny husband. People, certain people, would have really enjoyed my approach to this period in the history of Westeros. I would not have included yet another scene where we fully detail when and where Varys' balls were removed. I felt the previous eight hundred renditions of this piece of backstory were probably enough.

I'd suspect with no romantic prospects on the horizon the dragon queen might start having some intimate feelings for her own personal high priestess. As I said last week, the pure, unadulterated impact of fictional romances has become a way of all around living for me. That's why the interplay between Eric the Red and Brienne has spawned an entire novelette I call Climbing the Blonde Keep.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Sandy" - Nancy Wilson (mp3)


Monday
May162016

In Which We Miss The Stolid Romance Of Our Thrones

Momma

by DICK CHENEY

Now that Littlefinger is back, I don't have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't have to, but I still do, mainly because The Grinder was canceled and I have no way to feel better about things besides googling the words "Rob Lowe old." We all need small comforts. I don't know what Littlefinger does when he is feeling a little down; maybe masturbates a dire wolf? Possibly he just takes a day off from plotting and feeds the birds.

Littlefinger's return could have presaged the death of an honorable warrior of the Vale, but I have truly no idea what the point of this character is anymore. In the coming war against the Lannister-Tyrell armies Daenerys faces an opponent who cannot even evict a bunch of religious wretches from their city. What possible match could the armies of Westeros be for dragons?

In two out of three episodes of Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke displays her chest. This feat has gotten progressively less interesting over time, especially since in this episode she slaughtered a bunch of guys who only made vague threats along the lines of, "You are subject to the patriarchy," and "You will not be reading Jezebel in the near future." If they were going to harm her, they probably would have already.

Sexual violence is indistinguishable from actual violence in Game of Thrones, which is how you know this is a series conceived by men so that they can imagine women in their own image. Whether there is any actual difference between the sexes I don't really know, except to say I would not be caught dead in Dame Tyrell's outfit.

The conversation between her and the Lannisters was long overdue — I mean how long were these people going to sit around having small council meetings, like another three seasons? Queen Margaery has been eating gruel and her own hair this whole fucking time.

The writing for Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones is more painful than ever. He has zero chemistry with Grey Worm and there are no romantic options for him in the East at all. Daenerys gave him someone to play off of, but they were separated as soon as he got to Mereen, which turned out to be a terrible dramatic decision.

The set design in this episode was really on point, though. The temple where Tyrion met with the slavers, giving them seven years to end slavery seemed like a livable house, and the big tent that Daenerys burned down had a ghostly symmetry reminiscent of Braavos. It's disappointing that the only history we get into is the events of Robert's Rebellion — I long thought that the later part of Game of Thrones would explain such mysteries as the environmental disaster that was the doom of Valyria. I don't have much hope for that anymore.

Last episode probably should have ended with the triumphant Jon Snow-Sansa Stark reunion, instead of him tromping south but then returning when he realized he did not have any of his things. Now that Jon has an entire ginger army ready to fight for him, I hope he takes out Ramsey Bolton quickly. Then we won't have to see Ramsey doing something kind of mean each week to remind us of what a dick he is.

Like most people, I have no memory of Sansa Stark being cruel to Jon Snow. I guess she said he was just a bastard. Given how things went, it would have made more sense to have them be friends when they were children, which suggests George is just throwing shit at the wall.

I was going to say we only saw one death this week, but I guess it was more like fifty or sixty. A lot of unimportant characters will be on the chopping block soon. Tommen Baratheon is so ineffectual I expect that his mother will slaughter him every time she goes in for an embrace. As an aside, the constant weekly emphasis on how Cersei would do anything for him seems to be leading to a betrayal of some kind, but I suppose it could also be leading to the end of Cersei. The Lannisters don't seem to have a lot of clear direction and I'm really unsure if we are supposed to hate or love them at this point.

I don't really remember the Onion Knight meeting up with Brienne, but I suppose if they could find love with each other, that could potentially be a best-case scenario for all involved. They could pillow talk about who loved which Baratheon brother more, and fantasize about the two becoming close friends again and ruling Westeros in a partnership for the ages. 

Maybe that is stretching, but Game of Thrones needs some romance, badly. It used to be someone was getting fucked right and left, but now sex has been relegated to the alleyways of the Dothraki settlement, where one young lady was having the best feast night in recent memory. No one has fallen in love in some time in the land of Seven Kingdoms, and even Samwell has been unable to consummate things due to his seasickness. Time to couple up you guys.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Gamma" - Rodion (mp3)

"Colazione" - Rodion (mp3)

 

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