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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (88)


In Which We Hide In A Freezer During A Wildling Skirmish

I'm Really Starting to Hate the Wall


Lynne and I were once Thronesing in Bretagne with two of her friends, a couple. They loved Lynne and only tolerated me, so she insisted I drop some of my best Westeros zingers on them. "Don't worry about repeating your blog posts," she suggested, "They're too rich to visit kewt websites, they only read Thackeray and the English edition of Der Spiegel." I quietly amped myself in a tastefully decorated bathroom. I emerged just as Jon Snow was entering that ginger warrior in a cave and awkwardly shouted, "His come tastes like daffodils! Hot Pie! Something about how the burned guy with Arya Stark is a fucking baby!"

The rest of the evening did not go any better. When I launched into my extended rant about how Mance Rayder was based on Howard Dean their eyes began to glaze over. They thought Howard Dean was the name of a salad dressing, and they thought Mance Rayder was Jojen Reed's father. (I was shocked by the former, and kind of intrigued by the latter.)

do you have any idea how much it would cost to feed such a creature? And it died within minutes. This was just fucking stupid.

The Episode Beyond The Wall was boring and terrible. Thrones always seems to be getting its wars wrongs - they are either too exciting and stage-y to feel real, as this battle was, or they are too chaotic and desultory to really follow with any degree of precision. The worst part of last night is when the leaders of the two groups somehow organically faced off in sword-to-sword combat with each other and started doing pirouettes.

Actually, no, the worst part was when Jon Snow began to systematically disable the wildling army by himself and the watchmen behind Jon stood still like a clump of hair. Everything about the wildling attack plan was completely absurd and illogical, from sending people to climb the wall when there is a fucking gate into Castle Black readily available, to having a giant wield a massive bow. This was J.J. Abrams-level stupid here, so much so that when a preview for a new HBO show ran after the episode and it advertised itself as "From the Co-Creator of Lost", I couldn't even laugh at the idea that someone thought this was a toutable factoid.

Wildings give you every opportunity they can to receive an ice facial. Cover your face good womyn.

Building a wall with an easily openable gate in general sounds pretty silly. If you're really intent on preventing people from entering your lands, wouldn't it make more sense to just put up an impenetrable ice wall? It's how Melanie Griffith prevented Antonio Banderas from having sex with her for over thirty years, and the ice wall seems to be decently successful at its tasks.

Maester Aemon Targaryen's conversation with Samwell Tarly was just as disappointing. This man is an important repository of historical information, and all he can do is go and on about some fucking lay he had sixty years ago? Samwell's affection for Gilly seems no more complicated than "I want to protect hurr", and it's a bit weird that after all he has gone through he is still super grossed out by a man getting an arrow through the neck. For godsakes two minutes later he put one in a guy's head.

"Maester, this is hard for me to say, but how do I make my pee-pee feel super warm and juicy?"

There was also something very pretender-y about this entire thing. First of all, it wasn't even the battle. It was only the battle before the battle. Second, there seemed to be no way an outnumbered force could have been victorious. But even more than that, it felt like play fighting. Recently Nirvana was honored at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Lorde performed "All Apologies", which it turns out was actually a very poorly written song when a super cute blonde guy isn't singing it. This battle felt like that - a reenactment rather than a bloody war.

"Post some of my break-up emails on Jezebel. Goodbye Jon Snow."

When I was meeting Lynne's buddies, I thought of when Jon Snow encountered all of Ygritte's friends: the guy with the beard, the guy with the bald head, the warg, Bates, Anna, Mrs. Hughes. At first Jon did not make a very good impression on them, but this was actually the right move. A woman does not want you to love her friends, she wants you to love her, even/especially at the expense of loving other people. Showing her that you can get along with others only reinforces a view that she is only another person in your life. This theory that I have just detailed explains every single one of Kevin Federline's children.

Ygritte had a decent body and a decent mind. I don't know if Jon really saw a future there, perhaps epitomized by when he had one of his archers kill her. As she was dying, the only thing she cared about was the one of two times when she had experienced unprotected sex with a man, like every woman who has never read Kathy Acker.

This could be a godsend at the border fence between the U.S. and Canada

Now that Jon Snow's OTP has been put on the cold road to becoming the sexiest ginger white walker since that dead older fellow, he is free to put his soda-can shaped penis anywhere he likes. Rumors have persisted that he and Daenerys would make a cute couple, but I actually see him more with Melisandre, or maybe Stannis' daughter, the one with the birth defect. After all, the guy is a bastard, and not much of a military strategist. Have you ever seen the caliber of women that Donald Rumsfeld cheats on his wife with? They make Gilly look like Rachel McAdams, who herself looks like a mannequin.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. Next week's recap of the GoT finale will number over 30,000 words, and undoubtedly contain 7-8 jokes about Cersei Lannister/Janet Jackson concordance. Await that at your own peril.

"You'll Lose A Good Thing" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)

"Can't Believe You Wanna Leave" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)



In Which We Romance A Eunuch Of Our Very Own

Mad at Ya


You know what's super kewt about a Wildling army on the march? They have their own hotelier, the best in the business. Every day you wake up in the Wildling army you have a copy of USA Today at your door, and housekeeping never arrives until you're ready to leave your tent. There's a lot of women in the Wildling army, so you can also be assured of a hot cuddle and perhaps some spelunking in the caves beyond the wall. Game of Thrones always makes me think of how I don't want to ever forget the good times in my life, like when that eunuch who looks like Barack Obama tried to masturbate in the river with his stump.

Couldn't we rule like a nicer place you guys? I hear Mereen has tons of adorable slaves.

Cutting off my balls wouldn't really do much. I keep a spare reserve of sperm in my cheek where a squirrel hides his food for the winter, and there is a second prostate at the base of my neck as well. (What other people call "morning wood" I call an idea.)

Daenerys' obnoxious aide harassing Grey Worm about how much of his dick was left was not her finest moment. She should probably just translate Dany's words into High Valyrian and leave it at that. Instead she was like, "Grey Worm. That name means penis...but what percentage exactly?"

"Roose, your new name is Schenectady Bergsdorf. You will rule the land of Juicy Juice. Now get on your knees."

Given the failings of public education in America we can only depend on constant Thronesing to educate our young ones.  We will repeatedly show them the scene with all those whores. Which scene? There's pretty much one in every episode, so I will leave it up to Lynne. Now that she has seen how castrating Theon Greyjoy is improving him in every way, she wants to do it to our border collie Drachma. I said no, but tbh it wasn't a firm no.

Catelyn Stark's new fashion line is all the rage in Riverrun. It's like she always said: before you go out everyday, remove one accessory, as long as it's not your diaphragm or direwolf. I'll get my coat.

It is impossible to not start to sympathize with the people who try to do positive things without relying entirely on their family name. I have to admit that Sansa's adorable new outfit engendered roughly the same feelings inside me that it stirred in Littlefinger, although this new Shailene Woodley habit she has of talking out of the corner of her mouth sort of makes me wish she had also gone out the Moon Door. Littlefinger amazingly plotted the perfect murder of the King of the Seven Kingdoms but accidentally left a witness to a super casual murder? Just no.

This was roughly the same look Ted Kennedy gave the girl in his car

Sansa's disturbing confession reminded me of the time Donald Rumsfeld weepily confessed to pulling an enemy combatant's heart out of his chest with his bare hands. He then hugged Condi Rice and stared at me like I was next. It was unnerving.

"My lady, wtf happened to your neck? Brb watching Season 1 for a comparison video. We will recast your role if you do not meet our demands. Goodbye."

Apparently from the map of Thronesland Jorah displayed in his cute little outdoor office, Mereen and King's Landing are separated by what appears to be a day's journey. What I don't understand is how he plans to navigate it entirely on horseback.

Yes, Sir Jorah Mormont was unceremoniously banished to Westeros after Barristan Selmy got in his only speaking part in the entire season. It's pretty obvious they shot all Daenery's throne room scenes on the same day given that the Mother of Dragons is also the Mother of Only One Outfit. Emilia Clarke's "acting" in these scenes was roundly terrible; her idea of showing anger is showing her teeth - but that is only a shadowplay a golden retriever makes to try to frighten her enemies (or horny eunuch slaves) away.

So, every single morning after in the Pitt-Jolie bedroom basically?

So after sleeping with every male or female prost in the entire city of King's Landing, Oberyn Martell turned out to be a loving brother and husband. Or was that his sister? I couldn't tell from the way they kissed, which is the way Littlefinger kissed Sansa and the way Ned Stark kissed his mother, Catelyn Stark. Kisses are very confusing in general; I was once kissed by Sarah Palin and I wandered around in a fugue state for days. I think she secretes LSD from her hidden cheek pouch: it would explain a lot.

Is the bug one of Varys' spies? Thinking ahead here.

In general this episode did a great job of making the exciting things boring and the boring things exciting, like when Tyrion touched a bug. (I guess metaphorically he was the bug? The lighting was so dim in his cell I struggled to care about what he was saying, but I sensed it may have been important. For example, could an antidote in the bug restore White Walkers to the humans they were before? Thinking out loud here.)

The battle itself was also a bit anti-climatic. Benioff, Weiss and director Alex Meyer eschewed using music to build the tension, preferring to focus on Tywin and Cersei's reaction to these events. It all came off a bit cold, like maybe the seven gods really were against Tyrion? I guess what I'm saying is that he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He last wrote in these pages about the second season of House of Cards. You can view an archive of his Thrones reviews here.

"All In My Mind" - James (mp3)

"Quicken the Dead" - James (mp3)


In Which The House Of Cards Is All Up In Here

The following screed contains spoilers for the second season of House of Cards. Reader discretion is advised.

Frank In All Directions


We admit with all sincerity that our first duty is within our own household.

- Teddy Roosevelt

Robin Wright's face is entirely composed throughout the second season of House of Cards except in two instances: the first is during a hard cry she has at betraying the trust of brunette friend; the second occurs before a climatic ménage à trois. The first is understandable, the second is a bit of an odd smile.

Is it cool to throw your main secret service agent a hot bang for his considerable loyalty? Agent Edward Meachem was in on the plot from the beginning, firing a "stray" bullet at Doug Stamper (Michael Kelly) early on in the series. His skeptical yet turgid handsomeness is familial in nature. Wright's Claire Underwood decides against children; they are entirely too much of a temptation. She was chosen for something different.

You darling piece of chocolate. Would you like some bourbon? Kiss my hand.

Many have lost their lives in the Underwoods' King's Quest, but no murdah was felt as deeply as that of the precious Zoe. Sure, her apartment was a bit shit at times, and the erotic portraits Frank took of the Zoester as insurance only get me excited when my face is in a plastic bag, but she was a fantastic cub reporter.

On occasion it even felt like Frank had penetrated an actual bear cub, for the Slugline reporter developed claws. Her texting was subpar at best, however. The only emoji she knew how to use was the yellow face of a very scared man displaying his teeth.

Claire, I can't believe that androgynous reporter touched your favorite dress. She also said the word 'now' more often than was necessary.

The hammy and unexpected nature of her death astonished my wife Lynne, who loudly exclaimed, "The bear cub is down! DOWN!!!" I rushed in the room wearing only my Valar Morghulis tee-shirt and a cock ring. I had a similar reaction to Rachel's brave murder of Douglas Stamper in the deep woods, except I was substantially more judgmental of everyone involved. You let a prost overpower you with a pebble just because her voice sounded like Heaven?

Someone needs to drape a lacey veil over his bald head, as is appropriate for each of us who perishes.

The somewhat grating Stamper probably met his end in the Virginia countryside, although there have been internet rumors that he will turn out to have an identical twin who is able to consume a glass of scotch without falling apart. Stamper's bizarre enjoyment of Charles Dickens and Jewish women reading the New Testament is completely understandable. What he did that I could absolutely never forgive is contradict a man with hair.

"You know what I should do? Get an eskimo pie."

It is hard to know exactly how sers to take House of Cards, since the actual easiest route to The White House is just to become the sitting vice president/puppetmaster of a guy who doesn't give two fucks. House of Cards oscillates from comedy to drama at a consistently rapid pace, but what is more difficult to discern is where the satire diverges from reality. Frank's hamfisted commentary through the fourth wall got old right after he sold out his only African-American friend, and it got downright tedious when he started giving as many looks in that direction as Adam Scott does on Parks & Recreation. To get away with that, you need a shirt like this.

She hitched her wagon to the wrong train smh

Sometimes the show touched a really emotional nerve. You don't even know how many times I tried to get Lynne to say she had been r'ed on national television. I even wrote her a poem about how it was the key to all our hopes and dreams. That moment, and others, allows us to sympathize with the Underwoods even when we logically know it's absurd. By the end of the second season I had enough of Garrett Walker (Michel Gill) and his wife Patricia (Dani Englander): they reminded me of Home Improvement, which was terrible.

My most hated character in the Cardsverse was former Washington Herald reporter Lucas Goodwin (Sebastian Arcelus). The way Lucas melted before Zoe seriously charred my ballsack, and his treasonous acts merited a long stay in federal prison. In addition, I did not care for his hair.

Catherine Durant is one fine piece of foreign policy expertise. Ttyl Secretary Durant.

Let's face it: Zoe probably deserved a far worse fate than she received in a more just America, she would have been abandoned to a hopeless existence like that of an anchor at CNN.

Frank's final manipulation of the president was his most farfetched. His wife encouraged him to cut his own heart out in order to get Garrett to resign, and the weepy letter that followed was not Frank's finest work. In the end all it accomplished was getting the president to rescind Tusk's pardon but a Democratic president backed by China would never last anyway, and Frank shouldn't have gotten by on luck alone, even after he raps his ring on the table for it.

No one is ever unhappy when they get surprised with an elliptical.

Now that President Underwood has taken his oath, given his wife and Ed Meachem soft kisses on the mouth in front of everyone, redonned that ring from his entirely homosexual ways at The Sentinel, and hit his desk with the ring, the show would ostensibly seem to be over. Or is it meow? Frank's new adversary is likely to be a Putin-esque figure portrayed by the brothel owner from Deadwood, since House of Cards seems so keen to cast the denizens of the Old West in fractured roles in the New One.

Then again, more House of Cards could offer a bevy of unexpected surprises that were impossible when the Underwoods are so singularly goal-oriented in their plan to become the leader of the free world. Other than much-needed sexual assault reform in the military, it is unclear what actual policies the Underwoods plan to pursue. Perhaps it is best, Beau Willimon seems to believe, when politics is an incestuous but self contained orgasm directed or controlled by outside forces which ultimately know better. I for one welcome our new overlords.

Raymond Tusk killed a parrot, but he was only doing what we were all thinking.

It was never really explained to my satisfaction why Frank had to leave Peter Russo alone in that carbon-monoxide filled car. Possibly his attraction to the man got a bit out of control? Christina too turned out to be nothing more than a red herring, although her return in Season Three as Jackie Sharp's lesbian fling is much anticipated. The two can stroke each other's tattoos and continue to dye their hair opposite colors. Grow up everyone.

Washington used to be full of adults. Bob Woodward's book Obama's Wars describes the president-elect pulling up for a meeting with the top brass in the C.I.A., where he was set to learn all the gory details of the agency's torture methods. When Obama approaches the two men, the first thing the president says is, "They just arrested Governor Blagojevich for trying to sell my seat!!!" like a thirteen year old girl describing the decor at the Kimye wedding. I'm not entirely sure that Frank and Barack Obama are not saints compared to Lyndon Johnson.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He returns next week when Game of Thrones does.

"Heartbeat" - Alan Brando (mp3)

"Heartbeat (instrumental version)" - Alan Brando (mp3)


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