I'm Really Starting to Hate the Wall
by DICK CHENEY
Lynne and I were once Thronesing in Bretagne with two of her friends, a couple. They loved Lynne and only tolerated me, so she insisted I drop some of my best Westeros zingers on them. "Don't worry about repeating your blog posts," she suggested, "They're too rich to visit kewt websites, they only read Thackeray and the English edition of Der Spiegel." I quietly amped myself in a tastefully decorated bathroom. I emerged just as Jon Snow was entering that ginger warrior in a cave and awkwardly shouted, "His come tastes like daffodils! Hot Pie! Something about how the burned guy with Arya Stark is a fucking baby!"
The rest of the evening did not go any better. When I launched into my extended rant about how Mance Rayder was based on Howard Dean their eyes began to glaze over. They thought Howard Dean was the name of a salad dressing, and they thought Mance Rayder was Jojen Reed's father. (I was shocked by the former, and kind of intrigued by the latter.)
The Episode Beyond The Wall was boring and terrible. Thrones always seems to be getting its wars wrongs - they are either too exciting and stage-y to feel real, as this battle was, or they are too chaotic and desultory to really follow with any degree of precision. The worst part of last night is when the leaders of the two groups somehow organically faced off in sword-to-sword combat with each other and started doing pirouettes.
Actually, no, the worst part was when Jon Snow began to systematically disable the wildling army by himself and the watchmen behind Jon stood still like a clump of hair. Everything about the wildling attack plan was completely absurd and illogical, from sending people to climb the wall when there is a fucking gate into Castle Black readily available, to having a giant wield a massive bow. This was J.J. Abrams-level stupid here, so much so that when a preview for a new HBO show ran after the episode and it advertised itself as "From the Co-Creator of Lost", I couldn't even laugh at the idea that someone thought this was a toutable factoid.
Building a wall with an easily openable gate in general sounds pretty silly. If you're really intent on preventing people from entering your lands, wouldn't it make more sense to just put up an impenetrable ice wall? It's how Melanie Griffith prevented Antonio Banderas from having sex with her for over thirty years, and the ice wall seems to be decently successful at its tasks.
Maester Aemon Targaryen's conversation with Samwell Tarly was just as disappointing. This man is an important repository of historical information, and all he can do is go and on about some fucking lay he had sixty years ago? Samwell's affection for Gilly seems no more complicated than "I want to protect hurr", and it's a bit weird that after all he has gone through he is still super grossed out by a man getting an arrow through the neck. For godsakes two minutes later he put one in a guy's head.
There was also something very pretender-y about this entire thing. First of all, it wasn't even the battle. It was only the battle before the battle. Second, there seemed to be no way an outnumbered force could have been victorious. But even more than that, it felt like play fighting. Recently Nirvana was honored at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Lorde performed "All Apologies", which it turns out was actually a very poorly written song when a super cute blonde guy isn't singing it. This battle felt like that - a reenactment rather than a bloody war.
When I was meeting Lynne's buddies, I thought of when Jon Snow encountered all of Ygritte's friends: the guy with the beard, the guy with the bald head, the warg, Bates, Anna, Mrs. Hughes. At first Jon did not make a very good impression on them, but this was actually the right move. A woman does not want you to love her friends, she wants you to love her, even/especially at the expense of loving other people. Showing her that you can get along with others only reinforces a view that she is only another person in your life. This theory that I have just detailed explains every single one of Kevin Federline's children.
Ygritte had a decent body and a decent mind. I don't know if Jon really saw a future there, perhaps epitomized by when he had one of his archers kill her. As she was dying, the only thing she cared about was the one of two times when she had experienced unprotected sex with a man, like every woman who has never read Kathy Acker.
Now that Jon Snow's OTP has been put on the cold road to becoming the sexiest ginger white walker since that dead older fellow, he is free to put his soda-can shaped penis anywhere he likes. Rumors have persisted that he and Daenerys would make a cute couple, but I actually see him more with Melisandre, or maybe Stannis' daughter, the one with the birth defect. After all, the guy is a bastard, and not much of a military strategist. Have you ever seen the caliber of women that Donald Rumsfeld cheats on his wife with? They make Gilly look like Rachel McAdams, who herself looks like a mannequin.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. Next week's recap of the GoT finale will number over 30,000 words, and undoubtedly contain 7-8 jokes about Cersei Lannister/Janet Jackson concordance. Await that at your own peril.
"You'll Lose A Good Thing" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)
"Can't Believe You Wanna Leave" - Lou Ann Barton (mp3)