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Pretty used to being with Gwyneth

Regrets that her mother did not smoke

Frank in all directions

Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais

Simply cannot go back to them

Roll your eyes at Samuel Beckett

John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion

Metaphors with eyes

Life of Mary MacLane

Circle what it is you want

Not really talking about women, just Diane

Felicity's disguise

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Entries in dick cheney (112)

Monday
May112015

In Which We Hesitate To Move Against The Lord Commander

Dear Sam

by DICK CHENEY

Samwell Tarly gets letters.

hey Sam,

I heard you haven't made a move with Gilly yet. You should probably tell her that she excels at lots of things, like washing floors and cleaning up after her incest baby. Women always love a hot compliment, as well as Once Upon A Time. They want to feel like girls again.

P.S. You're a big bag of shit.

Allison in Moat Cailin

such a mediocre face to wake up to  hey Sam,

Boy, you're really getting a lot of mileage out of that one white walker you killed. Even Bran killed a white walker; this is not an accomplishment years later. You can find obsidian at any depth. You look ridiculous.

P.S. Your dad is fantastic.

Nina from the Iron Islands

the dragons are extremely upset they don't get wireless in the dungeon

hey Sam,

Blow me.

hey Sam,

Things really suck in Mereen since they took away the fighting pits. The only thing to do now is cower inside from the local dragon and draw pictures of our queen arranged among sconces. We think she is a really wonderful queen though.

P.S. Stop coddling that girl with the greyscale.

Greg from Hogwarts

"Master Aemon, this one is from a guy in the Citadel who says he misses you. How do I make Gilly love me?"

Approval from Stannis Baratheon is the most serious commendation Samwell has received since Jon Snow told him he was his third best friend, after Mance and the little boy who serves him his lunch.

Somehow J. Snow has arranged it so that he is making a long, arduous trip north with another ginger wildling. Funny how that happens. Fortunately, Stannis is enthralled by Jon Snow's newfound charisma and above-average likeability in polling. He stares at the guy like Bradley Cooper looks at his date at the Met Gala.

I think Jon said Stannis about fifty times in this episode. "Stannis is giving me ships, boyyyyys!"

The most exciting part of last night's episode found Tyrion and Ser Jorah Mormont taking an ill-advised cruise through the doom of Valyria. This environmental catastrophe probably indicates Valyria was at one time Central Europe, since it is filled with sketchy guys looking to steal your gondola. Mormont's fear of pirates was perhaps misplaced; what would they want with a dwarf and the biggest downer since Robb Stark's annoying common-born wife?

Performing CPR on Tyrion's mouth could not have been pleasant.

In the North, Roose Bolton has obviously not learned that remember when is the lowest form of conversation. The guy is incredibly low key and never so much as tortures a woman, but he's humblebragging about sexual violence from 20 years ago? How about a flashback?

Before that we got a lengthy introduction to Ramsay's annoying girlfriend, the one who thinks biting someone's lip makes her more than the kennel chief's daughter. She is only going to end up becoming another notch in Sansa Stark's belt, which irritates me. Like, have Sansa kill Ramsay herself. Don't set up a catfight, that's just annoying.

Damn these people for leading us to expect the return of Sansa's direwolf.

Ramsay has all the subtlety of Aemon Targaryen's blind sexual advances on Jon Snow. He just goes around snarling, informing everyone nastily about what he wants. I can't enjoy broad characters like that. He reminds me of Matlock. I really hope Stannis makes him marry Lady Greyscale or serve as the Onion Knight's secretary/treasurer.

They have a lot to discuss regarding their bad taste in men. I believe Sansa's direwolf was named
Mollycoddle?

It seems like nothing really happens on Game of Thrones anymore. I understand that keeping up the pace of one major character character dying each episode wasn't realistic. I don't give two shits about some guy who looks roughly the same as I do in the mirror (with hair) perishing in Diagon Alley. He was probably going to pass from natural causes very soon in any case. Ser Barristan Selmy should not have been fighting anything except a cold.

I hope she stroked the place where Grey Worm's balls were in the deleted scenes.

Perpetuating the weird romance between Grey Worm and Dany's slave only reminded me how little love is on Game of Thrones. Not one single person besides that eunuch is in love. Everyone I know in the real world is actively in love; in the case of Donald Rumsfeld, love with three remarkably different women. But no one on Thrones can find this happiness at all. If I was David Benioff's boyfriend, I would be deeply afraid.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Something Must Change" - Novella (mp3)

"Sentences" - Novella (mp3)

Monday
May042015

In Which We Keep Missing Littlefinger For Some Reason

The One True King

by DICK CHENEY

I really feel for King Tommen. He's sitting in his breakfast nook, waiting to dig into an adorable plate of corn and eggs, when his wife comes in to complain about her homosexual relative's detention. These are the kinds of everyday problems I am forced to fix, but I do not like to talk when I am eating.

There's a lot of issues with our country that need to be solved right now. A major city is self-destructing in front of our eyes, and the president is like, "Yeah, I'm not going over there." Cersei Lannister would send an expeditionary force to start another, more cohesive riot to overwhelm the first one.

Why didn't they just sail to Mereen to begin with? Nevermind.

Freddie Gray is the only the latest person to die in police custody. This has happened for thousands of years and it will probably happen again. It doesn't matter the reason for the expected disorder - keeping the peace is the only reasonable job of the government. Leaders are more motivated by personal considerations: "Do you have any affection for me at all?" Margaery whines.

Barbara Bush never wore a wig, and I give her a lot of credit for that.
Between your wife, your mother and your city is a tough place to be. Barack's mother lives in the White House. George W. Bush would sometimes get calls from his mom and Laura at the same time. Guess which one he took?

That was a trick question; he took whichever one I fucking told him to.

Of all the men to expose your breasts to... Samwell was right there, and he has been definitively friendzoned by Gilly.

Thrones is only a reflection of America, a satire becoming more prescient every time that Jon Snow refuses to have sex with someone. At other times in our history a religious revival has swept through the people. Unabashed belief is the only thing that can truly change a nation. The Gods of Westeros are as dead as the old dragons.

The Sand Snakes of Dorne really need to hit Talbot's for some new outfits. Yikes.

Watching Stannis Baratheon get all soft about his daughter being poisoned with greyscale just reminds me of how much the temperament of a leader affects his followers. We require a true believer, not some tongue-in-cheek professor who tweets about watching Veep. We need a leader who can focus people on the world beyond the world.

Perhaps it is a bit early to be laying down my endorsement, but the most important thing we can have right now is a person who takes this country as seriously as I don't. You can send Rand Paul and Martin O'Malley to the ruins of Valyria for all I care. The one true king is Littlefinger.

You just need to find the boy who loves greyscale, e.g. Bran. He can probably cure it in fact.

That guy looked so cute in the sept. This is a man who still lives in the past. He never forgets what happened to him. He's tiny, but very rich. He has all the straight goss about Lyanna Stark and Aerys Targaryen. He alone can greenlight the Thrones prequel series where we can watch Ned Stark fall in love with the saucy mother of Jon Snow all over again.

I honestly don't know why Littlefinger is being friendly to Sansa. (I became fully aroused when he told her, "You've learned to maneuver from the very best.") He's mentoring her before his return to King's Landing in a most affecting way. Littlefinger's plan is exciting, but I have serious concerns that the coming pairing of Jon Snow and Sansa will lead to them reflecting on the good old days where Robb hazed Bran by forcing him to masturbate Hodor to orgasm.

So many regrets. I wonder who will play you in the prequel, maybe Harry Styles?

A society that kills off its oldest and weakest members is not one that I want to be a part of. Unless that includes Bran. That guy gets to draw a paycheck for an entire season and he doesn't even have to have a crow dream once. Fuck Bran.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Lavender Philosophy" - Jenny Lysander (mp3)

"Under the Willow Tree" - Jenny Lysander (mp3)

Monday
Apr272015

In Which We Marry Margaery Tyrell At Our Leisure

Sex in the Final Hour

by DICK CHENEY

I have been to a lot of weddings. When I think back on my favorite ones, I remember Jeb Bush tonguing Eliot Weinberger's balls after a chorus of "Feliz Navidad" and Donald Rumsfeld smashing a juicebox on a woman's face when she called him "Little Terminator." If I ever get married again, I am not serving alcohol at my wedding, because it only encourages people to think that they should be the center of attention. I have that honor.

It's how Roger Ailes looks at a woman in power.

Tommen getting married and consummating his nuptials with a vaguely unwilling bride has already been thematically superseded by Amy Schumer's Friday Night Lights parody. Tommen seems a little childish for his age; also I'm not sure why Maegary couldn't just use a condom.

I actually give Tommen a lot of credit. A lot of men can't perform in the final hour. I once tried to reach orgasm during the series finale of M.A.S.H. and all that came out was a mixture of semen, tears and ground-up Fruit Loops.

"We call that splooge, Young Tommen."

Margaery couldn't have ended up with a finer product of incest to be a product of whatever she has planned for him. I'm guessing it involves lipstick, a pig and her brother's bloated member.

There's no shame in birth control. The tradition of a nice condom on your wedding night was brought to Western civilization by the Chinese nobleman Jang Wao. Unfortunately, Game of Thrones has a strict no Asians policy. Even if they did cast someone of that ethnicity, it would likely be the guy from Lost and he would be eaten by Drogon within mere minutes.

When did he find the time to get highlights?

Watching Tyrion get kidnapped into yet another Odd Couple situation caused me to roll my eyes at length. "I'm bringing you to the Queen," Mormont bleated. At this point Cersei would probably welcome Tyrion with open arms. But now, we have to have him advise Queen of the Dragons/Sarah Connor about the right table settings for state dinners.

Reunite the Lannisters! I hope that Cersei throws a hot bang at that cute Dr. Frankenstein wannabe. Maybe he could turn Tommen into a man or something like one.

He was probably going to have to play Dumbledore in the HP prequel, so this is a step up.

Jonathan Pryce at least brings more intrigue to the character of the High Sparrow, since you know for sure he will never display a penis, even as a show of charity to a homeless woman on the streets of King's Landing. At least he makes a useful foil to Cersei, because the hammy, overplayed shit between Margaery and Cersei is getting on my nerves. There is no world where Cersei Lannister would not automatically destroy anyone who criticized her day-drinking.

Cersei's wedding must have been quite the night. If I recall correctly Robert Baratheon drank himself into a distinct amalgam of gas and human being from all the kegs and hot peppers he consumed. Twyin Lannister really did not like his daughter in hindsight. It's a shame she won't be present for the ultimate GoT nuptials: the happy union of Sansa Stark and Ramsey Snow.

She really treasured that phallic object her dad gave her. Don't worry. One of the Braavosi will lend you a cute pen you can keep in your purse.

Arya's goodbye to Needle was perhaps the only moving part of this episode. I have had enough of her weirdly washing bodies and learning how she doesn't need her name anymore. This is basically Going Clear all over again. I need to focus on the positive things: a wedding between two people who basically no one else would ever be interested in.

Here are some useful wedding tips for the ginger bride and her Winterfell psycho:

1. Whenever you move quickly in your wedding gown, you have to breathlessly hrter swish and sneak a humorous look at Roose Bolton.

2. Jam on everything: jam on chicken, jam on your bannermen, jam on toast, jam on Littlefinger's tiny Mr. Finger, jam on your eunuch's blank parts and jam on you.

3. All the bridesmaids must shout in unison, "Y'all know nothing Ramsay Snow jk!"

Kind of looks like the country club where I tied the knot with Lynne, except less ostentatious.

4. After the ceremony but before the reception, sneak in a hot sob in the underground cemetery where you recall how your dad's sister was not too into Robert Baratheon either, and wasn't there a storyline that kind of fell by the wayside about one of his illegitimate children?

5. At the moment of consummation, scream out for Brienne's aid, and then when she arrives, take it back and subtly suggest she killed Renly Baratheon.

6. Invite Lady Stoneheart (R.I.P.)

shouldn't she be happy to be free of her uncle? She can run to the north and have a weird on again, off-again relationship with her half-brother perhaps?

7. If a small shitling formerely known as Theon Greyjoy starts badmouthing the new love of your life, threaten to cut even more of his scenes from A Feast for Crows.

8. If you watch enough episodes of Bates Motel, maybe you'll forget how bad this season is so far.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Love Your Loved Ones" - Nicki Bluhm & the Gramblers (mp3)

"Heart Gets Tough" - Nicki Bluhm & the Gramblers (mp3)

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