When In Doubt, Blow It All Up
by DICK CHENEY
These are lazy days but they make me shiiiiine....
Welcome back to another edition of Ask Dick Cheney. As we approach the duel season finales of Lost and American Idol, it is time to come to grips with the fact that the only pleasures television will afford us this summer is the ongoing spectre of Simon Baker solving so many important cases while seducing the hot redhead on the force in CBS' The Mentalist, and whenever USA reruns The Godfather Trilogy.
What cliffhanger will Lost leave us with next week to stoke interest for the show's final season?
Since both Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly are incredibly important to whatever meager ratings this show is still managing, we can assume they're not about to be written off the show, or written back to whatever lives they might have led: Jack appearing on Oprah to teach kids how to count calories, Kate getting r'd in the v by the meanest lesbian in the California penal system.
Two people already know what's going to happen to the castaways who have been thrust back in time. One is Richard Alpert, who tells Sun that he watched them all die. Here's hoping it's the end of the road for Jack, but the rest are unlikely to meet a similar fate, or else Richard would be surprised to see Kate in 2006.
The other is Eloise Faraday, who as an aged witch sends Jack to the island where she knows she'll kill her son because what he's doing is that important. Jack trusts her. I don't trust her, but I do want to throw her a hot fuck in both incarnations, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
I was thinking today of the list of passengers on Oceanic Flight 815 that Benjamin Linus provided the hostiles with. Why treat them as he did? More importantly, why treat some of them one way, and others another way? The answer lies in what they meant to the hostiles back when Jack tried to detonate this hydrogen bomb.
If Richard Alpert is telling the truth in 2009, he believes Jack and his friends all died. Since they can't die, they must disappear as though they were dead.
Did you see Joe Biden and Barack Obama going to get a burger? What kind of horseshit was that?
You have to realize that when I came into office, I was met with the tragic realization that we were living in the most flammable service economy ever created. I spent every single moment of my waking life in work or prayer trying to keep American affluence going. There was no time for burgers.
God, TV lately is a barren wasteland from which there really is no return. What are you watching anything good?
Not really, I am bored a lot lately. I really don't care what Jessica Biel's tits look like, or if some Mexicans get the flu. I started watching a lot of Jason Statham movies. It's like watching a penis with a slightly off British accent punch people with the tip of his head only. The plot of The Transporter was the most retarded 90 minutes I have witnessed since The Professional didn't end in a pervese Jean Reno-Natalie Portman sex scene. Also, I saw the new Crank movie, and Amy Smart, betch you should have taken Anna Faris' career when you had the chance.
Was John Locke indirectly giving himself advice that wasn't particularly useful the single dumbest time travel moment in history?
Yeah, it wasn't great, but it beats what recently happened to Dirk Nowitzki. Dude got engaged to his girlfriend (he bought her a $250,000 ring! Stupid!) somebody asked for a background check, and that's when it started getting weird. The universe is meting out lover's karma right now. Every single sex act has a corresponding price.
What was your take on the recent Cassie and Rihanna nudes dropped onto an unsuspecting world? What was your most shocking celebrity nakedness revelation?
Rihanna's molten body is by turns disturbing and erotic. I was never that into her - I find short hair and victims to be a major turnoff. Here's my full list:
Turn Ons Turn Offs
subscription to the Weekly Standard Children
Barns with a lot of hay in them Handjobs
Domino's breadbowl pasta Congressional resolutions
The corpse of Dan Brown Dan Brown
"Jesus to a Child" "Father Figure"
What Kobe Bryant Admitted in Court What Kobe Bryant Actually Did.
Whoa I'll throw a JK in there for our younger readers. Rape is always wrong, unless consent is given first.
Have you seen the new Star Trek film? Is there anything we can learn about Lost from it?
I went to Star Trek this weekend with the lowest of expectations, given that if I saw J.J. Abrams on the street, I would eat his spleen. If you're a douchebag media fuck who knows about as much about Star Trek as Owen Gleiberjew, you probably loved it. In the end, the script was downright horrible - but what else can we expect from the minds that bring us the weekly borefest that Fox calls Fringe?
Then again, Wrath of Khan wasn't exactly Shakespeare. The new Star Trek film gets so many things precisely right that it's hard to hate on it too much, but hey, I'll try. The positives: the casting, especially of Kirk and McCoy, was actually far superior than the original series. The movie looks great, the sets are awesome, and even though there's no Klingons, the makeup was stellar. The space battles are somewhat fun, although too basic to scream about, considering they have been roundly bested about 500 times by Babylon 5.
But that's where the fun ends. I mean, the plot is inexorably, horribly stupid. It's basically the plot of Lost, but not the awesome secret island part, just the what the fuck time travel part they said they would never do.
I mean, any real fan of Star Trek knows that the time travel episodes were always the worst episodes. Time travel is dumb. I tolerate on Lost because at least they travelled back to a great period of American life. In Star Trek, you just don't need time travel. You already have aliens, space travel, galactc warfare, interplanetary intrigue. In short, you just don't need the stalest convention in science fiction.
So in the end you have what is essentially a terribly plotted pilot for a gorgeous looking restart of this franchise. Was it better than Star Trek: Insurrection? Probably, but that movie was underrated and it cost about $60 billion less than Star Trek. I'm a Next Generation/DS9 guy anyway. Fuck J.J. Abrams, fuck Ruthie, fuck Robert Orci, Fuck Alex Kurtzman for that abortion of a show Fringe, and fuck Leonard Nimoy. If I wanted to see him again, I'd just die and go to hell.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. You can read his last Lost review here. Happy mother's day.
"Recent Bedroom" - Atlas Sound (mp3)
"Winter Vacation" - Atlas Sound (mp3)
"On Guard" - Atlas Sound (mp3)