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Frank in all directions

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Entries in ellen copperfield (48)

Monday
Mar152010

In Which We Go Together Like Peas and Carrots

The Bonfire of the Bosom Buddy

by ELLEN COPPERFIELD

I was watching The Polar Express last week and trying to recover the spirit of Christmas for some muffins I was planning when it occurred to me: doesn't that train conductor remind me of something ineffable and someone specific?

My aunt told me it was Tom Hanks, and I was like, "they modeled the conductor after a producer on Big Love?" She explained that Hanks was the owner of a long and storied Hollywood career, while her daschund Leopold stared at me unforgivingly for my ignorance. I spent this past weekend watching all of this old-timey actor's moving pictures, and I have summarized the plots of these films so you can easily find what interests you.

Splash

A man has sex with a mermaid and feels somewhat bad about it. The mermaid's father frowns upon the match because it conflicted with the IPO of his underwater company.

The Money Pit

A home restoration project goes south when a man realizes his wife is Shelley Long.

Bachelor Party

A famous football player insists that protection is for Ravens while attempting sex. The woman mishears "Ravens" as "cravens", freaks out, and ends up majoring in communications. Todd Phillips is passed out nearby and gets the idea for The Hangover.

Dragnet

Two white police officers pay tribute to a long-running television series by visiting Santa Claus at the North Pole. Santa tells them to come back when they're animated.

Big

A man shrinks to the size of a gumdrop to become a boy again and lives inside a huge piano with all his friends. Older women are constantly intuiting he's more advanced sexually than he professes. To return to full size, he is forced to rape a gypsy woman.

Punchline

A comedian is infected with AIDS by Denzel Washington.

Turner and Hooch

A man and an anti-semitic dog fight crime.

The 'Burbs

You may be more familiar with a recent remake of The 'Burbs, Saw IV.

Joe Versus the Volcano

A pet detective finally marries his true love (Courteney Cox) and decides that Meg Ryan is likelier to have a successful big screen career. He struggles to find a way to break off the engagement before deciding to burn his penis off in an active volcano.

The Bonfire of the Vanities

A journalist with no imagination finds it easier to make things up than interview any more astronauts than he has to. He uses a revolutionary technique to clone himself. He names the clone Malcolm Gladwell.

A League of Their Own

An alcoholic womanizer leads a baseball team of women to greatness and inadvertently creates a popular daytime television program. A text card at the end of the film specifies that they would have achieved nothing without a male manager.

Sleepless in Seattle

A woman facebooks a guy and he ends up taking it way farther than it ever has to go. She falls in love with his eight-year old by accident and they go live on a cute houseboat for the rest of their lives.

Philadelphia

The two main people in a gay man's life are Antonio Banderas and Denzel Washington, and he's still unhappy as a clam for no discernible reason. Andrew Sullivan cameos as "another guy with HIV."

Forrest Gump

The thinly disguised life story of Joe Biden. He has a sexual relationship with Robin Wright Penn and everyone has some misgivings that she took advantage of him. Biden emphasizes the fact that he rides Amtrak in his speeches because he is unable to pilot an automobile.

Apollo 13

A bunch of guys head into space, reassuring their wives with platitudes like, "We won't fuck up in space," and "It's space, what could go wrong?" and "Kevin Bacon's coming with us to space, this will be hilars." These predictions prove largely inaccurate.

That Thing You Do!

The true story of Simon Cowell's rise to public prominence related for the first time.

Saving Private Ryan

Despite the fact that Jews are dying by the millions in camps across Europe, it ends up being a lot more important for everybody's peace of mind that one goy be rescued by a squadron of morons.

You've Got Mail

A man flirts with a woman on the internet; she is somehow not disgusted by the fact it takes 20 minutes for him to type one instant message into AIM. He misunderstands "Shop Around the Corner" for a sexual euphemism, she apologizes for the miscommunication. Not only does he not accept her apology, he puts her out of business and cuts off her airway with the skin folds from his degraded neck. The funeral is a lovely affair, and each of the eulogies emphasize the dangers of misrepresenting yourself on AIM.

The Green Mile

A magical, physically imposing black man heals people with his touch, so the white prison guards murder him, but not before he cures all their urinary tract infections. It turns out that the black man had the spirit of a white guy (Rob Schneider) inside him all along.

Cast Away

High on cocaine, Robert Zemeckis has an idea that later becomes Lost; a plane crashes on an island and only the boring characters survive.

Road to Perdition

Two playwrights debate the existential nature of life over dinner one evening. Hot topic: 'what does the word perdition mean?'

Catch Me If You Can

Christopher Walken has a son, and - shock, surprise! - it doesn't turn out all that well. The son becomes a pilot and figures prominently in the September 11th terrorist attacks on America. He ends up dating Molly McAleer, probably.

The Terminal

A man who jerks off into people's luggage is apprehended and forced to copulate with Catherine Zeta-Jones while Michael Douglas looks on approvingly.

The Ladykillers

A brother-brother writer-director team misfires with their latest film and decides to nab an Oscar by utilizing the foolproof method of having Tommy Lee Jones do the movie's voiceover.

The Polar Express

A shocking expose of how the Japanese kill 500 of Santa's dwarves each year in front of a live studio audience in the Arctic.

The Da Vinci Code

Dr. Robert Langdon is infected with HIV by Denzel Washington.

Charlie Wilson's War

Mike Nichols' 100 minute logic proof that Elaine May had all the talent.

Angels and Demons

Dr. Robert Langdon gives up treasure hunting and retires to a tropical island with Audrey Tautou, Emily Blunt, and Denzel Washington.

Ellen Copperfield is a contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here. She last wrote in these pages about how to politely dump someone.

"Down by the River" - Neil Young (mp3)

"Philadelphia" - Neil Young (mp3)

"Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere" - Neil Young (mp3)

"The Losing End (When You're On)" - Neil Young (mp3)

Saturday
Dec262009

In Which I Believe In the Morning You'll Begin To See The Light

50 Merciful Ways to Dump Someone

by ELLEN COPPERFIELD

50. "Magnum P.I. did not refer to a magnum condom. We are done."

49. Have him find some pro-Hitler material in your purse

48. coat your entire body with toothpaste before falling asleep

47. "I've been letting you win at facebook scrabble for the last seventeen games"

46. "Sometimes I wish you were half-Asian" if that doesn't work, up the percentage of Asian

45. During sex, discuss the time you cupped Malcolm Gladwell's androgynous genitalia

44. Suggest that he is Bon Iver and you are Emma and that the whole album may have been a time-travel singularity

43. 'No actually meant no this time'



42. Force him to view Meatloaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" and ask him what that is with tragic results

41. Demand payment for services rendered

40. Draw a very irreverent parody of Blondie in which he plays Dagwood

39. When you kiss, jam your thumb into his anus

38. Tell him that you were an ardent fan of the Bush administration

37. Start saying "jeepers creepers" a lot, like five or six times within a ten minute period

36. Get heavily into doing magic at children's birthday parties

35. Start playing acoustic guitar

34. Live with him in his condo for awhile but don't have sex with him

33. Have him come up on you while you're watching The Passion of the Christ and hurriedly turn it off when he sees you

32. Stay mute for three weeks - they usually notice by that third week

31. "Derek Jeter's penis has deep grooves like the head of a screwdriver and smells like petunias"

30. Swallow pocket change

29. Ask him to say grace before you eat popcorn at the movies

28. Tell him you have relationship-related amnesia. 'Who are you again?'

27. Inform him you really hope to be exactly like Miranda July one day

26. Asbestos still kills

25. The Darjeeling Limited changed your life and you're off to be Anjelica Huston basically

24. A lot of craft projects, especially mucho origami, enters your life

23. Propose

22. Replace the idea of showering with the idea of bathing while crying

21. Call raspberries 'snozzberries' and wink slyly whenever you do

20. Point at him a lot with a mimed gun and whisper 'pow'

19. In the place of the part of his talking when you're supposed to nod and smile, be quietly cutting yourself with a kitchen knife

18. Bring the joy of Big League Chew into your lovemaking



15. Tell him you didn't see the point of the Panda Bear solo album

14. Start calling your shits churchills

13. Throw the phrase vox populi into casual conversation

12. Early one morning, he finds you reciting the Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire to a sock puppet



11. Demand payment for services rendered and after he pays put out your hand and demand a sizeable tip

10. "I don’t feel we necessarily like the same kinds of sandwiches"

8. "Your mother reminds me of Ellen Cleghorne"

7. Go over to the Dark Side of the Force

6. When appropriate: "I don’t like Dispatch as much as I may have pretended I did"

5. If casual mention of pubic hair as forest of tears doesn't end things, try working it in the conversation another way: "Could you try not to rub your beard up against my forest of tears?"

4. Replace oral sex with Mario Kart

3. Discuss the tidy sum of money you reaped when they turned your life story into Orphan

2. Hide the sentiment in a piece of lyric bread

1. "I used to think you read the whole internet, but now I feel like you only read part of it"

Ellen Copperfield is a contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here.

"The Man In Me" - David Bazan (mp3)

"The Man In Me" - Bob Dylan (mp3)

"The Man in Me" - The Clash (mp3)

Friday
Jul312009

In Which We Let You Down Easy

50 Merciful Ways To Dump Someone

by ELLEN COPPERFIELD

50. "Magnum P.I. did not refer to a magnum condom. We are done."

49. Have him find some pro-Hitler material in your purse

48. coat your entire body with toothpaste before falling asleep

47. "I've been letting you win at facebook scrabble for the last seventeen games"

46. "Sometimes I wish you were half-Asian" if that doesn't work, up the percentage of Asian

45. During sex, discuss the time you cupped Malcolm Gladwell's androgynous genitalia

44. Suggest that he is Bon Iver and you are Emma and that the whole album may have been a time-travel singularity

43. 'No actually meant no this time'



42. Force him to view Meatloaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" and ask him what that is with tragic results

41. Demand payment for services rendered

40. Draw a very irreverent parody of Blondie in which he plays Dagwood

39. When you kiss, jam your thumb into his anus

38. Tell him that you were an ardent fan of the Bush administration

37. Start saying "jeepers creepers" a lot, like five or six times within a ten minute period

36. Get heavily into doing magic at children's birthday parties

35. Start playing acoustic guitar

34. Live with him in his condo for awhile but don't have sex with him

33. Have him come up on you while you're watching The Passion of the Christ and hurriedly turn it off when he sees you

32. Stay mute for three weeks - they usually notice by that third week

31. "Derek Jeter's penis has deep grooves like the head of a screwdriver"

30. Swallow pocket change

29. Ask him to say grace before you eat popcorn at the movies

28. Tell him you have relationship-related amnesia. 'Who are you again?'

bella and jacob fan art27. Roleplay Edward and Bella and make him be Bella

26. Asbestos still kills

25. The Darjeeling Limited changed your life and you're off to be Anjelica Huston basically

24. A lot of craft projects, especially mucho origami, enters your life

23. Propose

22. Replace the idea of showering with the idea of bathing while crying

21. Call raspberries 'snozzberries' and wink slyly whenever you do

20. Point at him a lot with a mimed gun and whisper 'pow'

19. In the place of the part of his talking when you're supposed to nod and smile, be quietly cutting yourself with a kitchen knife

18. Bring the joy of Big League Chew into your lovemaking

17. Refer to your pubic hair as the forest of your tears

16. Suggest matching tattoos of a butterfly and change your mind to Boy George at the last second



15. Tell him you didn't see the point of the Panda Bear solo album

14. Start calling your shits churchills

13. Throw the phrase vox populi into casual conversation

12. Early one morning, he finds you reciting the Tom Cruise from Jerry Maguire to a sock puppet



11. Demand payment for services rendered and after he pays put out your hand and demand a sizeable tip

10. "I don’t feel we necessarily like the same kinds of sandwiches"

8. "Your mother reminds me of Ellen Cleghorne"

7. Go over to the Dark Side of the Force

6. When appropriate: ‘I don’t like Dispatch as much as I may have pretended I did’

5. If casual mention of pubic hair as forest of tears doesn't end things, try working it in the conversation another way: "Could you try not to rub your beard up against my forest of tears?"

4. Replace oral sex with Mario Kart

3. Discuss the tidy sum of money you reaped when they turned your life story into Orphan

2. Hide the sentiment in a piece of lyric bread

1. "I used to think you read the whole internet, but now I feel like you only read part of it"

Ellen Copperfield is a contributor to This Recording. She tumbls here.

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"I Admire You So Much" — Rivers Cuomo (mp3)

"Cold and Damp" - Rivers Cuomo (mp3)

"My Day Is Coming" - Rivers Cuomo (mp3)

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